Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 6

So I went and saw a trainer yesterday. I was blunt with her and told her how embarrassed I was to be there and why. I told her how I have gained 11lbs in 4 weeks, and how impossible every thing to do with this seemed. I was honest with her about my food, including coffees. I was honest about my meds. And then....then...

We get to her form. You have to fill out medical history and she asks them out loud. I was doing all fine until she asks "obesity?" you see no one that I know of has been classified as obese - except for me, so I had to say yes for myself - out loud in front of a trainer who is 22weeks pregnant and small and perfect looking. It felt awful, like a knife in my stomach.

It was really at that point how big I have allowed myself to become. I am classified obese, and not even by a little bit. That's an awful awful feeling.

That couples with Andrea and my decision we made last night - can't say what it is. It's my choice really, I have partially chosen this path which makes it both easier and harder.

I HATE BIPOLAR. It has taken over my life and affected everything. There has been no good to it, the longer this goes on the more it seems to take from my life. It has changed everything. I'm not even close to the same person I used to be, I'm fat, I'm unstable, I've had medical choices taken away from me - it's just all take take take.

What will bipolar eventually give back to me, or is this just something I am sentenced with and have to endure for the rest of my life? moreover, is this something Andrea has to endure for the rest of her life with me.

Sometimes, it's just too much.

Fat Fat Obese.

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