Saturday, 29 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl -10

Sad Fat Girl's Random Sadness:

- I broke teo's bed, well not broke broke, but my weight made it shift and crumble. No more sitting on his bed for me.

- The problem with fat people wearing tight pants is that there inner legs rub together and holes start earlier; this is happening to the jeans I bought a week ago.

- I've accepted I'm fat. Even if I don't like it, I know I am medically fat.

- The scale was not my friend today even though I have been working so hard. *sigh*

Just *sigh*

Friday, 28 September 2012

Hello

Hello crippling depression. How are we doing? Present and accounted for I see.

However, I will beat you this time. My strength, my support and yes my meds will overpower you.

I can do this!

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Down and Up

I think I figured out my crazy. The last few days I have been feeling off or crazy or whatever. I think I am going through an upswing/crash with my bipolar but my meds are trying to keep it in check. The crazy feeling lasted about a week, and now for the past couple of days I've been feeling a little low.

Yesterday I forgot my meds again, and sunk quite low - hiding in my room and everything. It's been a while since I have felt that badly about things. However, taking them and then a nap seemed to help - problem was by the time I felt better it was too late to actually take advantage of it.

So now I'm stuck. I can tell that I'm in a depression, and that makes me not want to take my meds, but they are the things that are currently keeping me as stable as is possible. It's weird to feel myself go high and then low but not actually experience it. I don't like it one bit. It is unnerving and a little scary to be honest. My head physically hurts with the confusion of it all.

But at least I'm stable for now....

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

All the things

I've decided to stop seeing mark. For a few reasons. First because I'm not sure I can do his EMDR - not because I don't think it works, but because the way my eyes are lately I just can't have them moving like that without them burning. Also, as of late most of my depressive feelings are caused by my weight. So I feel I need to deal with that before I can deal with my underlying emotional issues. On that note - I have hired a trainer. I met her before but decided I couldn't afford her and mark. And I can't, but I've switched now. I meet with her this Friday at 5:30a and am so nervous. I am so out of shape and fat and she is in shape and pregnant and all the things I am envious of at the moment. My weight is really bothering me again - still I don't know. The sickening feeling in my stomach about it went away for a while; but it's back now. I feel disgusted and icky at the way my body looks, and the fact that I can't lose weight just makes me all the more frustrated with it. Maybe I'm the type that can never, not once, slip up on a diet. Maybe I can't have chocolate once in a while or ice cream. Maybe all that stuff has to be gone for good. That doesn't seem like a very fun life though. I enjoy those things; but it'd be worth it, I think, to look how I used to look. Hell to lose like 20lbs and fit into my first goal jeans would be nice. It's sad that 20lbs is my *first* goal. *sigh* I need to get better at taking my meds again. I forgot again this morning and I think that combined with the hormone crash of my period, has made me feel all out of it and loopy and a little spacey. The days have been good but hard at the same time. I have succumb to temptation twice, and I have resisted more often. I think I'm at the maintenance stage now...and that's really really terrifying.

Monday, 24 September 2012

Good Days

Yesterday was a great day! It was a combination of a stress free environment and keeping busy and getting to spend a whole day with Andrea. I needed that. The kids were in Nanaimo visiting their respective people and they left early in the morning. I feel immensely guilty that my good was partially due to the lack of children. But here we are. Andrea had some studying to do, and me? I did a run, a workout, finished sewing my doll, knit some stitches and folded a butt tonne of laundry. I also got the two of us coffee and coffee always makes me smile. Andrea also had a good day with me which was an awesome surprise. It was awesome to have a day free of tears, free of arguments and free just to have fun.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Yesterday

Yesterday I forgot to take my pills.

ARG ARG ARG - point proven that I need them. I had an emotionally awful day and didn't even realize I had not taken them until I get home. I was extremely irritable, and down, and even asked one of the guys at work for a hug because I was feeling like I wanted to cut.

Such an awful feeling to have yk?

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Today

Today is a serious of deep breaths, moments, and trying to calm my racing heart and insecurities down.

Today is a day of excitement and nervousness.

Today is a day where I feel sorry for myself and am trying to stop.

Today is a day of potential lifetime happiness.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 9

I'm doing a lot of these posts lately - perhaps because it is always haunting me...

So I got two shirts yesterday with my jeans (that I realized in the evening look quite hideous on me because they are too tight :( ....) I went to go put them on this morning and neither of them fit. I got a large and an extra large and they are both suffocatingly tight. I'm sure Andrea would say they fit, but I don't feel comfortable in them at all. I hate things that are tight on my mid section. It shows my fat in an obvious way. I'd rather hide the rolls and look larger then having something tight that shows them but look smaller. It's more about how I feel than how I present myself and look to others.

I admitted to her that sometimes she makes me cry. It was a mistake to say it out loud, and I knew it the moment I said it. It's the truth though. I am so excited for her and the hard work she has put into looking and feeling the way she does. Not to mention how healthy she is. I guess looking at her just makes me feel, not jealous, but frustrated that even doing them same things, or close to the same things, I am seeing no results. That's what makes me cry - the frustration. Not the way she looks because I am lucky to be with someone as hot as she is.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 8

Ugh.

I had a breakdown today about the way I look. A complete and utter shutdown of all senses except sadness. It's so hard to be the only fat one/overweight one in the family. I feel like I am failing all of them because I can't shake the weight off. Further, I feel like I am failing myself because I feel like I'm trying (though I guess I AM eating chips right now). I guess its all my fault.

To try to make myself feel better I went to try on jeans. I was honestly expecting to be a size 40. I was a 36 - and I got the *only* pair of size 36 pants in the store. The ONLY ones. Now I could take that as there are so many 36 sized people that they sell out - instead I take it as they don't often make them that big. I felt so giant trying them on in the store - especially since they dont fit perfectly or like I want them to. But seriously - I am 10 sizes bigger than I used to be - how demoralizing.

I don't know. The metformin isn't working, the running isn't working, the eating healthier isn't working. Nothing is working for me. I'm failing and I'm disgusting.

I don't believe her when she says she finds me attractive or pretty or hot or whatever. A) who could possible find this disgusting body of mine appealing. B) she doesn't see me the way she used to (could be the change in my personality too) and c) just no. I have learned that no one will find you beautiful unless you believe yourself to be beautiful - and I don't. And that's probably the biggest reason I don't believe her. I want to be beautiful again.

Friday, 14 September 2012

blah

For the past week or so I've been suffering from this blah feeling. Before I thought that I was just unmotivated at work and that I was "something" at home and then yesterday I realized that it has been going on for a while. It's like an overall meh feeling, I don't really care to work, don't really care to *do* anything at home. Not that I am angry or whatever, or don't care - I do care and it does bother me but I cant seem to rouse a reaction out of myself.

I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the meds. I mean most things do it seems - but not everything can be. So maybe its me. Maybe I need to motivate myself somehow. Well, I know I do. I need to find a way to get over this hump as its affecting my work and home life.

I explained my lack of motivation for work yesterday. Its not that I am getting no work done, its that I'm incredibly slow with it. Simple tasks take an hour, and complex tasks take days.

At home, Andrea and I are off and aren't connecting like we normally do. I'm not anything other than blah. Like I said, I still care, I just can't seem to express it in a meaningful way.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Fat, Environment, Sex, Therapy, Babies, Fat

I was so excited that I had lost 4lbs, sad thing is I seem to have gained it back. Im still stuck at 180. Sigh.

I got into a conversation at work today with one of the boys over the causes of depression and mental disorders in general. While I know he wasn't trying to be offensive to me (as they know my condition), it was hard to hear that there is an environmental route to everyone's problems. Somewhere down the line something happened to fuck your brain up, and that by dealing with that stuff and eating properly it can be fixed. Like I am somehow doing this to myself. Like I want to be bipolar. Like I want to have my relationships suffer. I didn't want any of this, and while I admit that in my darkest days it kind of felt like I was addicted to the sadness - I think that's how this works. You have to fight the addiction, and then deal with the disease. I have beaten the addiction now. I am trying to manage my disease - with 8 pills a day and some therapy.

Andrea and I have been great lately. With the exception of one thing. Sex. I know, logically, that she isn't doing it on purpose - but 6 nights out of 7 it seems she has a headache, or is too tired, or is not feeling well, or whatever. She says I am not being bold enough - but I'm kind of tired of being the one to initiate and get turned down. I tell her lots throughout the day that I am turned on or whatever - but idk. I'm starting to get a complex. Like she doesn't really think I'm attractive anymore so thus doesn't want to sleep with me. The sex, when we do have it, is awesome in my opinion - there just isn't enough of it. I don't want pity sex, but I do want to feel attractive to her - regardless if I think I'm attractive myself.

I'm incredibly sensitive to being made fun of lately. My mom has done it, and Craig has done it recently. I find it completely dampens my mood and puts me in a dangerously angry mind set. Seriously, it makes me want to run away, or cut myself - or otherwise separate myself from the rest of my family. I don't know when I became so sensitive to it - you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

I go see Mark next week. I must admit I'm kind of looking forward to it - I have some things I want to discuss. I want to throw them out there to someone objective and just be heard yk? Get his opinion.

The baby talk has increased, and is actually productive now. I'm more okay with it this go around. I think realizing I couldn't, no, shouldn't carry a child due to my bipolar really helped put things into perspective. That, and Cooper has been helping a lot too. Everytime I see him I feel more okay and generally learn something about myself or this whole situation. I'm still incredibly sad at what I am losing but it no longer reduces me to tears and a great depression. It no longer results in a decrease of my self worth - which is a great thing for me. All I have to do as my prerequisites is to get better in the head lol, more stable anyways, and get healthy (IE lose some weight). I don't want to be an overweight mom any longer. I'm not setting a good example for the kids I do have, nor do I want to bring a new child into this world and (as vain as this sounds) be in pictures looking like this. This will be my last baby - I want to remember it fondly and not be disgusted by the pictures I will see.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 7

Still sad and fat.

I feel so giant lately. Like even more giant than I did before. Even more unattractive. Even more ugly. I have wrinkles on my forehead, rolls on my stomach, cellulite on my legs. I have no curves, I have no boobs and no ass. I'm so disgusted with myself. It's so hard to get dressed every morning knowing that anything I put on isn't going to make me look or feel any better. Plus I am slowly running out of pants/shorts. Soon I'll have one pair.

I had to go out in public the other day to a parent's night. All the mom's there were thin, or thinner than me. They were healthy and vibrant looking. I hate going out in public. I hate being one of the largest people in a crowd. I hate knowing that when I go I have no confidence in myself so I look how I feel. I know that if I could find a way to get some confidence in my looks that I would present myself in a much better way. As it stands, I don't, and as a result, I hate going out in public. Yet I have to - again and again. Even work is getting hard for me to go to. They are all young and fit and in shape. And I am old and bulgy and unhealthy.

IDK....I'm just tired of hating myself.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

No progress and progress

I've been on the metformin for two weeks now and still haven't seen an improvement over that time. I gained weight last week and have kept at the same weight this week. It has severely affected my appetite in that I am hardly ever hungry. I'm trying to be mindful of that and eat healthy nutrient rich foods, and I'm going to start taking a multivitamin to compensate for the lack of vitamins and minerals I am getting. But really, after two weeks I expected some change.

I don't know what's happened in the last like two weeks, but I am feeling more like myself lately. More like I used to feel. My weight is still a big issue but I think that is not due to my depression (as I think it causes my depressive feelings) but other things aren't affecting me like they used to about 2 months ago. I feel more balanced, more stable, more opinionated and just more like me. Now if I could just cut down on my meds and maintain that, that'd be awesome! I wonder if anyone else has noticed the change.

I am still sensitive to being made fun of, but I think that is due to my work with Mark. He has made me aware of how much I let myself be a pawn to others and how I let people walk all over me in order to get their approval. While I agree with him, I think the occasional teasing is okay - I do it too. Yet I still can't shake being made fun of and it puts me in a sour kind of angry mood. I don't know how to communicate that in a way that doesn't make me seem like a big baby.