Wednesday, 26 September 2012

All the things

I've decided to stop seeing mark. For a few reasons. First because I'm not sure I can do his EMDR - not because I don't think it works, but because the way my eyes are lately I just can't have them moving like that without them burning. Also, as of late most of my depressive feelings are caused by my weight. So I feel I need to deal with that before I can deal with my underlying emotional issues. On that note - I have hired a trainer. I met her before but decided I couldn't afford her and mark. And I can't, but I've switched now. I meet with her this Friday at 5:30a and am so nervous. I am so out of shape and fat and she is in shape and pregnant and all the things I am envious of at the moment. My weight is really bothering me again - still I don't know. The sickening feeling in my stomach about it went away for a while; but it's back now. I feel disgusted and icky at the way my body looks, and the fact that I can't lose weight just makes me all the more frustrated with it. Maybe I'm the type that can never, not once, slip up on a diet. Maybe I can't have chocolate once in a while or ice cream. Maybe all that stuff has to be gone for good. That doesn't seem like a very fun life though. I enjoy those things; but it'd be worth it, I think, to look how I used to look. Hell to lose like 20lbs and fit into my first goal jeans would be nice. It's sad that 20lbs is my *first* goal. *sigh* I need to get better at taking my meds again. I forgot again this morning and I think that combined with the hormone crash of my period, has made me feel all out of it and loopy and a little spacey. The days have been good but hard at the same time. I have succumb to temptation twice, and I have resisted more often. I think I'm at the maintenance stage now...and that's really really terrifying.

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