Saturday, 15 September 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 8

Ugh.

I had a breakdown today about the way I look. A complete and utter shutdown of all senses except sadness. It's so hard to be the only fat one/overweight one in the family. I feel like I am failing all of them because I can't shake the weight off. Further, I feel like I am failing myself because I feel like I'm trying (though I guess I AM eating chips right now). I guess its all my fault.

To try to make myself feel better I went to try on jeans. I was honestly expecting to be a size 40. I was a 36 - and I got the *only* pair of size 36 pants in the store. The ONLY ones. Now I could take that as there are so many 36 sized people that they sell out - instead I take it as they don't often make them that big. I felt so giant trying them on in the store - especially since they dont fit perfectly or like I want them to. But seriously - I am 10 sizes bigger than I used to be - how demoralizing.

I don't know. The metformin isn't working, the running isn't working, the eating healthier isn't working. Nothing is working for me. I'm failing and I'm disgusting.

I don't believe her when she says she finds me attractive or pretty or hot or whatever. A) who could possible find this disgusting body of mine appealing. B) she doesn't see me the way she used to (could be the change in my personality too) and c) just no. I have learned that no one will find you beautiful unless you believe yourself to be beautiful - and I don't. And that's probably the biggest reason I don't believe her. I want to be beautiful again.

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