Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I miss

I've lost what makes me, me: even though I appear to and think I am getting better. Even Andrea says she doesn't know me anymore. How can she be in love with me if she doesn't know me? I wish I were my sociable self, my outspoken self. The thing is, at work I think I am. They all know I'm bipolar yet I don't care if I look fat here, or how I come across to others. I am just me at work. Why can't I be like that every where else? Why do I hate talking to people, or people seeing me?

I miss me. I miss smiling. I miss talking.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012


I've been keeping up with my workouts! I promised myself I'd do 10 days in a row, and then weight myself again. Wednesday is my last day so I will weight myself on Thursday. I'm quite nervous. After Wednesday I will start the next level of the 30day shred. I really want to try the P90x - everyone is raving about it, and it seems to produce great results. I want great results.

I've been feeling more stable, and overall happier. Except on weekends. On weekends I have to get dressed to see people. I hate getting dressed. Hate Hate Hate it. No clothes look good on me. I have all my clothes in one drawer now to save me from digging through the other drawers, and I don't even like those. I feel giant and unattractive in all of them. So the having to get dressed really sets me off in a bad mood on the weekends. I think I need to pre pick out my clothes the night before like I do for work and just wear that - whatever it is. Take the choice away from myself.

I still want to try ECT I think. I don't want to be on these pills forever. And if it doesn't work at least I can say I truly did try everything. Andrea doesn't want me to because she doesn't want me to lose any memories from us being together. I understand that and had honestly not thought of that - I had only thought of losing childhood memories or high school ones, which I was okay with. I don't know what to do.

I'm acutely aware that it is approaching the one year anniversary of my first hospitalization and the 3 year anniversary of the Vancouver event. The end of October will forever be hard for me because of those two things. I find myself thinking about them often and reliving them in a way. I don't know how to stop this.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Determined and Lazy

So it's been nearly a week since I gave up trying in terms of workouts and runs. Needless to say - I feel like crap. I thought that if I didn't pressure myself to do them, that I still would most of the time and it might actually become a lifestyle change for me like I wanted. Turns out, if I don't feel I have to do it, I don't do it at all.

So, I think I need to try again. And I'm scared shitless about it. I  need to find a way to motivate myself to do these things, and eat healthier again. I don't know, honestly, why I keep trying when nothing is working and nothing is wrong with me. But try again I will because I refuse to be a complete quitter in this regard. If I quit completely I will end up 350lbs and alone.

I wonder if Andrea is embarassed to be seen with me?

I also wonder if they think I'm lazy for not being able to stay awake whenever I sit for too long. I don't know why it happens, but I honestly can't stay awake - like at all. I hate medication.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 11

According to the scale, I weight 3lbs heavier than I weighed last week. I chose to weigh today instead of tomorrow because I'm eating thanksgiving dinner tonight. 3lbs. I now weight more than I ever have (barring pregnancy).

I'm giving up. I'll go see my trainer because I've signed a contract. I'll continue to eat healthily because it makes my body feel good. I'll continue to do workouts and runs when I want to. There will be no more feeling like I have to do things. If I want chocolate - fine, in moderation. If I don't want to do any workouts or runs for 5 days - I'm not going to. Clearly something isn't working. I weighed less when I wasn't trying, maybe not trying again is what's going to work. Who Knows? *shrug*

I knew I had gained weight though - both pairs of my actual pants are tighter. I have one shirt that I like wearing because it is big enough to hide everything. Unfortunately, it is only one shirt. I have two sweaters - one of which I should never wear out of the house and another which gets dirty so fast that it too shouldn't be worn out of the house. I have a pair of workout pants that fit, and a pair of brown non pant pants that have holes but I still wear. My two actual pants are too small.

I have a double chin. How hideous. I wonder how long it's been there.

I hate this. I'm officially giving up the hardcore trying.


I don't wanna take em. That's for sure. Every day is a struggle to take them. I don't know why this changed. Could be I am still in the midst of a a depression, and that is affecting my judgement. Could be I am staring to question the validity of the pills and whether or not they work or are working.

Another thing is, I want to nurse the baby. The medication I am on now prevents me from doing so. I want to wean off of them, but wiggers tells me I can't, and Andrea I don't think wants me to. It's like everyone is conspiring against me to keep me on these damn pills when I don't want to be on them anymore. I KNOW I KNOW I will probably be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life.I know I have a condition, a disease, that prevents my brain from functioning normally - but does that mean I have to be on so many medications or that I can't be on one's that will help me be closer to my baby and share the mother role more with Andrea?

It's frustrating. It's frustrating to have to be reminded to take my pills. If she wasn't watching me or asking I wouldn't take them. Not because I forget but because I simply don't want to. I take them so I don't disappoint or anger her. I hate that she is my babysitter. She should be my partner.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

The Guys

It's interesting to be involved in and listen to the conversations at work. They talk constantly about how the meds are what's making things worse and who knows what I would be like if I weren't on them. That's very true - no one knows what I would be like if I wasn't on them. It's scary to think my meds could be making worse, or they could be making it better. That's the hardest thing for me - the not knowing. Part of me wants to find out what it would be like not on them. Just to confirm that I need to be. I know if I go off of them for a day or two I feel negative consequences - but that could just be the drop in chemicals from not take the drugs. Who knows again?

Regardless, its frustrating to hear them talk about these things like they know what they are talking about. They say things like "everyone has ups and downs" "maybe you should just accept who you are" etc etc. It's like they think they have all the answers. If only they knew what it was really like.