Tuesday, 23 October 2012
I've been keeping up with my workouts! I promised myself I'd do 10 days in a row, and then weight myself again. Wednesday is my last day so I will weight myself on Thursday. I'm quite nervous. After Wednesday I will start the next level of the 30day shred. I really want to try the P90x - everyone is raving about it, and it seems to produce great results. I want great results.
I've been feeling more stable, and overall happier. Except on weekends. On weekends I have to get dressed to see people. I hate getting dressed. Hate Hate Hate it. No clothes look good on me. I have all my clothes in one drawer now to save me from digging through the other drawers, and I don't even like those. I feel giant and unattractive in all of them. So the having to get dressed really sets me off in a bad mood on the weekends. I think I need to pre pick out my clothes the night before like I do for work and just wear that - whatever it is. Take the choice away from myself.
I still want to try ECT I think. I don't want to be on these pills forever. And if it doesn't work at least I can say I truly did try everything. Andrea doesn't want me to because she doesn't want me to lose any memories from us being together. I understand that and had honestly not thought of that - I had only thought of losing childhood memories or high school ones, which I was okay with. I don't know what to do.
I'm acutely aware that it is approaching the one year anniversary of my first hospitalization and the 3 year anniversary of the Vancouver event. The end of October will forever be hard for me because of those two things. I find myself thinking about them often and reliving them in a way. I don't know how to stop this.