Tuesday, 23 October 2012


I've been keeping up with my workouts! I promised myself I'd do 10 days in a row, and then weight myself again. Wednesday is my last day so I will weight myself on Thursday. I'm quite nervous. After Wednesday I will start the next level of the 30day shred. I really want to try the P90x - everyone is raving about it, and it seems to produce great results. I want great results.

I've been feeling more stable, and overall happier. Except on weekends. On weekends I have to get dressed to see people. I hate getting dressed. Hate Hate Hate it. No clothes look good on me. I have all my clothes in one drawer now to save me from digging through the other drawers, and I don't even like those. I feel giant and unattractive in all of them. So the having to get dressed really sets me off in a bad mood on the weekends. I think I need to pre pick out my clothes the night before like I do for work and just wear that - whatever it is. Take the choice away from myself.

I still want to try ECT I think. I don't want to be on these pills forever. And if it doesn't work at least I can say I truly did try everything. Andrea doesn't want me to because she doesn't want me to lose any memories from us being together. I understand that and had honestly not thought of that - I had only thought of losing childhood memories or high school ones, which I was okay with. I don't know what to do.

I'm acutely aware that it is approaching the one year anniversary of my first hospitalization and the 3 year anniversary of the Vancouver event. The end of October will forever be hard for me because of those two things. I find myself thinking about them often and reliving them in a way. I don't know how to stop this.

1 comment:

  1. Please don't do ECT. A good friend of mine has been doing it... and she's.... um.... she's not HER anymore. Its not just the meds. She can't remember anything. We'll make lunch dates and since her short term memory is borked, she can't remember plans. I've shown up at her apartment and she's been surprised (happy to see me ! but surprised) because she's forgotten we made plans. From what she says, she remembers stuff like memories with her husband, but not what she ate for breakfast that morning.

    Although I know, I don't know exactly what your'e going through- I've only dealt with mild depression, and mild PPD, and have no idea with you struggle with daily so maybe I shouldn't be saying "don't try it". But I've seen what it does to my friend and so I just... I wish there was a better solution.