Friday, 30 November 2012


When Life gives you lemons....

you spill the damn lemonade all over your floor.

It's like one thing after another again, and I'm trying hard to keep my head above water. From mortgages, to matt, to craig, to the roof, to arguments with andrea over the house, work,  money - its just impossible to keep up with. I'm dealing well in terms of my depression. I haven't sunk to the pit of despair but I have certainly felt very hopeless, but I'm trying not to let it show - trying to fight through it and persevere.

The hardest part, as always, is the mis-communication and troubles with Andrea, she is my rock and I falter in being hers. Last night she was upset about missing the green house, and the difficulties with our house and it wasn't until this morning that I realized how it was her time of need, and not a time for argument like I did. I felt awful. (Then even more awful when she told me she had to leave the bed cause of my snoring).

My emotional intelligence needs some work.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Plan G

My plan G expired last week. Plan G was what allowed me to get my psychiatric medication without having to pay. If I just go with the health coverage I have then I still have to fork out $100 per month. If I didn't have health coverage it would be...well...$100 is 20% of the like $500 per month. We simply can't afford either of those things. If I don't get approved again I'm going to have to come off my meds, or severely cut back on them.

I'm scared and worried.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

The End of Dreams

- We can't afford for Andrea to quit her job.
- We can't afford for her to go to school.
- We can't afford to send me to school.
- We can't afford for me to get a car to commute to work.

Dreams are funny things, you can have them and feel passionate about them, but that doesn't guarantee they will happen. You can work hard for them, but it doesn't mean they will come true. Things happen in life that we have no control over, sometimes you need to take care of the needs of others; sometimes it's being an adult and having responsibilities - there are a number of things.

Even if a dream isn't lost forever, it still is hard to lose it in the present.

I'm sorry Andrea, at the loss of our dreams.

Monday, 19 November 2012

I'm tired

I'm tired of people telling me I look tired all the time. Everyone comments on it. A) I know I'm tired, I have kids and they still wake up often. B) My meds make me tired and I hate it too and C) What am I supposed to say? No, I'm not tired, I actually slept well last night but thanks for telling me how I look.

It's frustrating for me. I too am tired of being tired all the time. I'm sick of falling asleep anytime I stay sitting for more than 20 minutes. I know I've written about this before,  but I had three people I look tired today, and the thing is, I actually slept last night, and feel well rested. Granted it was half a sick sleep - but I didn't have to get up at 5:30a with a child. In my books that's a good sleep!

On another med causing note and one I've talked about before. Andrea saw a picture of me from just after I had Remy and commented how happy I look and how my eyes look like they want to be smiling more. This makes me cry every time she brings it up. Especially since their are times when I actually feel truly happy, only, I guess, my eyes and face don't express it the way they used to. I think my meds dull me. I mean they dull my depression and my mania - why wouldn't the dull my usual every day self too.

This devastates me. How am I supposed to convey to her how happy I am with her, and how happy she makes me when my face lies and just shows that I'm tired (lol) or emo. She does make me truly happy, I just wish I could show her that with my eyes.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

First Time

Sex talk ahead, consider yourself warned......

For the first time last night, I was so self conscious during sex. The light was on - but it wouldn't have mattered. It was more her feeling me, feeling the rolls and folds in my skin. I tried to stretch my body out so that they wouldn't be as defined, I laid on my back as much as possible - yet I was constantly aware of my body. There were times, definitely times, that I forgot - but then it would come back and I was deathly afraid that she felt my body in those moments. I know she thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, but I am so self conscious that now it has spilled over into my sex life. 

Thursday, 8 November 2012

No Subject

Time to try to stop living in the past?

sad fat girl - 12

Look at how thin I once was

Look at how defined I was

Look at how happy I was

Then this happened

And there is no picture of my current weight. Let's just say large.

I'm currently hating on myself. I went to the store to grab two shirts I couldn't stop thinking about and good thing I tried them on, the sizes I was going to get were way to small. I am a men's extra large. I used to be a woman's small. There was a full length mirror in there and I caught a glimpse of myself just in a bra and jeans...I was so disgusted. I haven't actually seen a full image of myself for quite some time. It was hideous. Motivation to work harder I guess, but after 6 weeks of working with a trainer, eating semi better, and exercising nearly daily I have lost 1.5pounds. That's it. I'm not giving up - but what's the point. I'm honestly considering taking pseudo-ephedrine or something like that to just get this kick started.

I feel like going insane with it. Two workouts a day, eating nothing but apples and carrots, just going crazy. It's like the only thing I haven't tried yet. 

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Looking Back

It has been just over a year since my first hospitalization, and nearly a year for my second more real one. It's a somber time for me - remembering where I was a year ago. Remembering how desperate I was. How I walked 17km in one night, how I strangled myself with a belt, how I thought those very very bad thoughts that I still can't bring to share with anyone or say out loud. I remember so clearly various stages of my hospital stay.

- pacing the hallway after I was given a tranquilizer in pain because I was so tired and needed to lay down.
- waking up periodically to see Andrea at my bedside.
-the walk in the wheelchair
-Sitting in the common room writing in my journal while the other patients carried on their business.
-Having a shower and crying.

Mostly I remember how I felt during that time. The desperation. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been good for me, as much as it would have sucked, to stay in longer than two days. The break from reality was nice in a way, and it truly was a break, but I felt guilty for being away and for not contributing at home. Looking back I realized the reason I didn't want to stay was more because I didn't want to miss work because I didn't want to financially burden my family. How crazy is that? I let myself be exposed and vulnerable when I needed the most help because of work. That's so irresponsible of me. Maybe I would have gotten better quicker if I had given myself that time. Who knows now.

All I do know is I can't get those 3 weeks out of my head. Can't forget about being released so close to halloween and nearly crying as we went trick or treating because I felt like such a failure at life. I will never forget those 3 weeks of pure misery wherein I was hospitalized twice. This, being the first year anniversary, makes it so much harder.