Monday, 31 December 2012

Goals

About 6 months ago I had the goal of being able to do the westwood 5k and polar bear swim on January 1st 2013. 6 months later and I can only run 20minutes at a snails pace. 6 months later and I have gained weight and lost motivation.

I tried to do a video day in the life and was floored at what I saw of myself. I edited myself out. Andrea tried to take a picture of my face yesterday, just my face, and I had to say no. I used to think I had a pretty face. Now - it's just fat.

This entry is going to get more self pitying for a little while.

I wish people wouldn't make me feel like I am lying. It's just fact that over the last two years I have gained weight. I am medically obese, or at least over weight. When they tell me I am not fat it makes me feel like they are lying to me, or thinking that I am kidding myself. I'm not though. I know I don't have to hate myself as much as I do, but the truth is the truth - I got fat.

End self pitying here.

I got a self esteem book to help me with my, well, self esteem. My first exercise is to pay attention to how often I put myself down mentally. After that I am supposed to carry around a book and write down all the critiques; I am afraid my hand will get tired before I reach afternoon. I am going to dilligently do this book though.

Andrea told me a couple of days ago that I am draining to be around when I am like this (low confidence). That comment has stuck with me as a pivotal tranceformation point. It is also one of the most brutally honest things she has said to me and I would be lying if I said it didn't and doesn't sting. But it motivated me to get some help - even if  I am doing this on my own. I am hoping I stop hating myself to the core.

The thing is though I think my self hatred would go away if I was thinner. I honestly didn't hate myself at all when I was thinner. Even when I was 30lbs lighter I was happier, even at 10lbs lighter I was happier. Its the lack of change that has me the most frustrated. But we've been over that in previous entries.

I had so much more to say but I am finding myself overwhelmed with all the kids and stuff around me right now. I give up trying

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Footsteps

I want an identity, but am too afraid to undertake the journey to get one.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

I will always be bipolar

This is Kind of How I feel

I read this article today. I can relate to so much of it. From the staying on top of my meds, to feeling more stable, to knowing I will always have bipolar and episodes will happen again. It's so nice to read articles and blogs that sum up how I feel. It's nice not to feel so alone.

On that note, she says she died her hair purple and that's how she began to feel more comfortable in her own skin. This is how I feel about putting dreads back in my hair. When I had them, I felt more comfortable with my appearance. I never felt like I was hiding, but I felt like I stood out, and that they suited my personality - they gave me a confidence I never felt before. And who knows, I might put them back and not feel the same way - but its so worth it to try. Its unfortunate that I have to wait like two years before I can get them in again. I will be patient though - its worth it for the opportunity to gain some more confidence.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Boots

So I went to go buy boots today from a local thrift store. I found like 3 cute pairs that would have fit me - had my calves not have been so large :(

I know I posted about feeling more confident in my body - and I still am overall, but I had a few setbacks this weekend. It started with seeing myself in the mirror before a shower. I found new creases where there weren't any before. I also have some spots of irritation on my body that sting when water hits them from not being exposed to the air enough - that's how fat I am.

Craig asked for a boob picture and I was all too okay to send him one as I don't care, and I tried to take one and saw it and felt hideous with myself. It was quite discouraging. To that end, the caffeine pills are giving me energy so I'd like to get back into running in the evening's with the dogs - alternating that with speed walking on the off nights. I would like to get into working out again, but after I walk the dogs I just don't want to. I'm excited to try out boot camp in the spring - I got a gift certificate from my trainer for it. Yay bootcamp - two weeks of 3times per week - should be intense and hopefully results producing. I would really love to see some results.

On another note, though I may not hate my body as much - I'm wondering if I value it. All my life I have used my body to get things, or sent pictures to people, or for sex so they would like me or pay attention to me or so I could have a reputation where I wouldn't be forgotten. I have been so many people's firsts - that I know they at least will never forget me. I'm wondering if I have any respect for my body. I was willing to send craig a half naked picture - how come? Because I just don't care. Obviously I care about the way the picture looks but if it had been halfway decent I would have sent it. Maybe if I had respect for my body I wouldn't hate it so much.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Caffeine!!!!!

So I've started to take caffeine pills. I know what you are thinking, be careful etc. And I know that. My biggest worry is that one of medications slows my heart rate and blood pressure and caffeine pills raise it. But I figure it will balance out in the end. My other medications were making me so sleepy, I couldn't stay awake at work in the morning, or in the evenings. I needed like 12 hours of sleep to feel even the most remotely rested - and well, that wasn't popular.

So, a coworker told me about these green tea/caffeine pills he was taking. He brought them in and they worked a little bit. I went to the drug store to get more and they didn't have any so I got straight caffeine pills. These are much stronger. I have so much energy, and sitting at my desk is hard. I can now stay up until 11:00 easy and still wake up at 6:00a to head out. Granted I take them in the morning and in the late afternoon. But it is certainly helping.

I'm thinking I should email wiggers. I think its about time that I can start weaning off some of these medications, and to confirm that the caffeine pills aren't going to kill me.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 12

Sad Fat Girl has not disappeared. She has just quieted herself so as not to disturb others. She has been working with her trainer, and before she stopped working out on her own had only lost a pound. It's demoralizing.

I hate the way I look. My jeans are giant. Every time I see them lying on the floor they look huge and I can't believe they fit me. Every time I fold Andrea's jeans I hate that I used to wear them. I used to be smaller than those. It's frustrating. I feel like no matter what I do I can't catch a break. Since stopping working out, and eating like crap (which makes me feel physically yucky, but at least I fell emotionally/mentally better) I haven't gained any weight. I have stayed the same. Makes me think this is the size I am supposed to be right now.

And maybe it is. We all go through different changes in our lives, so maybe right now I am supposed to weigh 1--lbs. Maybe this is the stage in life I am at. That doesn't mean I should get complacent. I should still be working out and still be eating healthy it is good for my body and the exercise is good for my mind. I don't want to spend my evenings doing that though. I am already so tired in the evenings, and can barely stay up past 9:00pm. How can I do a workout until 8:00p and then still have time to knit or spend time with Andrea. I don't want to spend that time doing something that I feel I suck at it.

I know if I get back into it I'm going to have to go back down one or two levels from where I was before, and that in and of itself is also demoralizing. I just feel so helpless and stupid when it comes to losing weight. Everyone around me is having success and no matter what I do I can't shake the pounds.

I have one more session with my trainer, and then she will do final weight and measurements. I wonder if working out for the remainder of the week will help at all. I don't know what to do. I feel hideous. Whenever someone touches me all I can think of is the layers of fat they are touching. It's really starting to affect my mood again. I was doing so well ignoring it - and maybe that's the problem. I can't ignore it - I actually have to deal with.

Problem is - I still don't know how.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Tired and Forgetful

The drive to and from work is taxing on my energy levels - and I know that's no excuse. I get tired far easier and by 9pm I am ready to go to bed. I fall asleep on the couch watching Prison Break even. I can't think of any other change in my routine that would cause me to feel so tired so quickly. Its frustrating and annoying and I hate it.

I have also been very forgetful. I forget to take and write down Andrea's temps, so now she does it. I forget to make her tea. I forget to feed the dogs. I forget to do the laundry. I forget that I have her keys. I forget promises made to the kids. This attribute of mine needs to change as its draining on everyone - especially Andrea who has to pick up the slack for everything I forget to do.

I feel like I am sucking as a person and a partner lately. I want to change this. I am going to change this. I am not going to let this bring me down, or send me into a shame spiral. I am going to fight my way out of this and become better. I have to, and I am confident I can.