Monday, 17 December 2012


So I went to go buy boots today from a local thrift store. I found like 3 cute pairs that would have fit me - had my calves not have been so large :(

I know I posted about feeling more confident in my body - and I still am overall, but I had a few setbacks this weekend. It started with seeing myself in the mirror before a shower. I found new creases where there weren't any before. I also have some spots of irritation on my body that sting when water hits them from not being exposed to the air enough - that's how fat I am.

Craig asked for a boob picture and I was all too okay to send him one as I don't care, and I tried to take one and saw it and felt hideous with myself. It was quite discouraging. To that end, the caffeine pills are giving me energy so I'd like to get back into running in the evening's with the dogs - alternating that with speed walking on the off nights. I would like to get into working out again, but after I walk the dogs I just don't want to. I'm excited to try out boot camp in the spring - I got a gift certificate from my trainer for it. Yay bootcamp - two weeks of 3times per week - should be intense and hopefully results producing. I would really love to see some results.

On another note, though I may not hate my body as much - I'm wondering if I value it. All my life I have used my body to get things, or sent pictures to people, or for sex so they would like me or pay attention to me or so I could have a reputation where I wouldn't be forgotten. I have been so many people's firsts - that I know they at least will never forget me. I'm wondering if I have any respect for my body. I was willing to send craig a half naked picture - how come? Because I just don't care. Obviously I care about the way the picture looks but if it had been halfway decent I would have sent it. Maybe if I had respect for my body I wouldn't hate it so much.

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