Monday, 31 December 2012

Goals

About 6 months ago I had the goal of being able to do the westwood 5k and polar bear swim on January 1st 2013. 6 months later and I can only run 20minutes at a snails pace. 6 months later and I have gained weight and lost motivation.

I tried to do a video day in the life and was floored at what I saw of myself. I edited myself out. Andrea tried to take a picture of my face yesterday, just my face, and I had to say no. I used to think I had a pretty face. Now - it's just fat.

This entry is going to get more self pitying for a little while.

I wish people wouldn't make me feel like I am lying. It's just fact that over the last two years I have gained weight. I am medically obese, or at least over weight. When they tell me I am not fat it makes me feel like they are lying to me, or thinking that I am kidding myself. I'm not though. I know I don't have to hate myself as much as I do, but the truth is the truth - I got fat.

End self pitying here.

I got a self esteem book to help me with my, well, self esteem. My first exercise is to pay attention to how often I put myself down mentally. After that I am supposed to carry around a book and write down all the critiques; I am afraid my hand will get tired before I reach afternoon. I am going to dilligently do this book though.

Andrea told me a couple of days ago that I am draining to be around when I am like this (low confidence). That comment has stuck with me as a pivotal tranceformation point. It is also one of the most brutally honest things she has said to me and I would be lying if I said it didn't and doesn't sting. But it motivated me to get some help - even if  I am doing this on my own. I am hoping I stop hating myself to the core.

The thing is though I think my self hatred would go away if I was thinner. I honestly didn't hate myself at all when I was thinner. Even when I was 30lbs lighter I was happier, even at 10lbs lighter I was happier. Its the lack of change that has me the most frustrated. But we've been over that in previous entries.

I had so much more to say but I am finding myself overwhelmed with all the kids and stuff around me right now. I give up trying

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