Monday, 10 December 2012

Sad Fat Girl - 12

Sad Fat Girl has not disappeared. She has just quieted herself so as not to disturb others. She has been working with her trainer, and before she stopped working out on her own had only lost a pound. It's demoralizing.

I hate the way I look. My jeans are giant. Every time I see them lying on the floor they look huge and I can't believe they fit me. Every time I fold Andrea's jeans I hate that I used to wear them. I used to be smaller than those. It's frustrating. I feel like no matter what I do I can't catch a break. Since stopping working out, and eating like crap (which makes me feel physically yucky, but at least I fell emotionally/mentally better) I haven't gained any weight. I have stayed the same. Makes me think this is the size I am supposed to be right now.

And maybe it is. We all go through different changes in our lives, so maybe right now I am supposed to weigh 1--lbs. Maybe this is the stage in life I am at. That doesn't mean I should get complacent. I should still be working out and still be eating healthy it is good for my body and the exercise is good for my mind. I don't want to spend my evenings doing that though. I am already so tired in the evenings, and can barely stay up past 9:00pm. How can I do a workout until 8:00p and then still have time to knit or spend time with Andrea. I don't want to spend that time doing something that I feel I suck at it.

I know if I get back into it I'm going to have to go back down one or two levels from where I was before, and that in and of itself is also demoralizing. I just feel so helpless and stupid when it comes to losing weight. Everyone around me is having success and no matter what I do I can't shake the pounds.

I have one more session with my trainer, and then she will do final weight and measurements. I wonder if working out for the remainder of the week will help at all. I don't know what to do. I feel hideous. Whenever someone touches me all I can think of is the layers of fat they are touching. It's really starting to affect my mood again. I was doing so well ignoring it - and maybe that's the problem. I can't ignore it - I actually have to deal with.

Problem is - I still don't know how.

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