Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Sad Fat Girl - 15

Ug.

I went clothes shopping the other day at the second hand store. I had only two pairs of pants - a pair of maternity ones that Andrea wore when she was pregnant with Roman, and a pair of dress pants (a size 16) that I bought nearly a year ago that now no longer did up, and I had popped a button on. I walked down the pant aisle and looked at the sizes 5 and 7 I wore what seems like lifetimes ago, and turned around to the other side where the 16+ was. I tried on 16's - no go. Tried on 18's - no go. Tried on 20's no go. The only thing left was 24+ and they were all elastic waistband ugly pants - not acceptable for work. I cried - right there. I went to the jeans aisle, and ended up getting a pair that was a brand from the plus size store.

I am giant.

I hate it.

All my shirts are large or extra large. Andrea bought me a jacket and its a men's extra large.

I am disgusting. I am embarrassed to be seen in public, embarrassed to come to work every day, I hate it.

I look back on pictures of the size I used to be, how I used to look, and I am floored. How could I ever let myself get so big. I looked back on an old journal entry where I was hating on myself for being 150lbs...now I would kill to be that weight again.

How have I done this to myself?

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Hitting the ground hard

I hit the ground hard. Like really hard. I was quite depressed. I was suicidal, and making plans. One night while sleeping on the couch I almost got up and got my pills and was going to walk out the door and just end it all. I was failing at work, failing at school, failing at home, failing at life in general. I was not in a good place. I tried to talk to Andrea several times but always just felt more alone anytime I tried.

I know this came at the worst time ever. I know it was her biggest fear that I would get depressed when she needed me most. And I feel awful that I was/am in that place. She felt alone, I felt alone - we were just existing and I was doing a poor job at that.

My work was piling up on my desk because I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself. it all seemed so pointless. I felt like I was on the verge of being fired - and am only now clawing my way back up through the mess I created for myself. I stopped going to classes, and as a result missed my mid term. It took coming clean to my professor and the head of the department about my bipolar and depression in order for me to get a second chance at this thing. I can't waste this chance. It all still seems like so much work, and I am still not back to functioning completely. I'm worried about my future.

Every time I enter a depression whether mild or severe it gets harder and harder to rationalize with myself. This isn't something I want to live with for the rest of my life. This isn't something I want to subject others with. It's just going to keep happening, and even if I get a hold on it now it is just going to come back at some point. There is no cure. This is a life long fight and not one that I think I am prepared to fight. Sure, I can fight it now, this time - but what about next time?

I did email Wiggers, and we upped my anti-depressant, and I guess that seems to be helping. I am not suicidal anymore - which I think was the main goal. I still don't see the point of most things though. I still can't feel feelings. I still don't have half the energy of a normal person. I'm still struggling. I'm tired of struggling.

I still weigh 200lbs and am incredibly self conscious. I refuse to buy myself clothes, or be bought clothes, because I am ashamed of my body size. I have two pairs of work pants that fit me - one pair are maternity pants so that feels great. I have a limited number of shirts and I am thanking my lucky stars that its fall, and soon winter, so I can cover myself up with one of the two sweaters that fit me.  I don't like being touched. Maybe if I could get out of my head a bit it wouldn't bother me so much, but I live in my head. I am always aware of how big I am, and I am big. I have no self confidence, which I am sure does not help my depression. *sigh*

Sometimes I feel like a waste of space...a lot of space.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Sad Fat Girl -14

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I am disgusted with myself.

I weighed myself the other day. I weigh 200lbs. I haven't been this heavy since I was pregnant with Kahlan. Its no wonder clothes that fit me a few months ago are now tight. I've sized out of most of the clothes I own.

I'm back in hiding mode. I want to hide myself all the time. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen in public. I want to just sit in a hole and hide all the time.

This has taken my already down mood and amplified it greatly.

I need to do something to change it. I need this to be my rock bottom, the moment in which I look at myself and say "NO MORE" but I cant seem to do that.

I feel powerless. I know I have given up. I have given up hope that I will ever be that 120lb girl I was only 3 years ago. 80lbs in three years. I know I should never give up but even when I was really and truly trying nothing was happening. I feel so stuck and hopeless about this whole thing.

I have a BMI of 36.6, that's in the obese range. I'm disgusting.

I know I need to make healthier food choices, and I need to find a way to exercise. But really, all I can do right now, until my knee surgery, is make healthier food choices. And I should do that, I need to do that - for my physical and mental health.

Right now I just hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the person I have become since my breakdown. I hate what this and I have done to my body. I am just so unhappy. This is not how I pictured my life.

I am now one of those people that others look at and hope they never look like. I have a waddle. I get breathless going up the stairs. I snore. I can't keep up with my kids. I can't sit on the floor with them for long periods of time. There are so many things my weight is preventing me from doing. I don't want to be this way.

I hate myself.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Its coming.

It's coming.

Im biting the inside of my mouth and realized Ive only been doing it for about 3-4 weeks, a sign of stress. A sign of being off my meds?

I need to see wiggers. I need to tell him how the meds make me feel, how being off the meds are making me feel, how afraid I am, how I can feel it coming and how I know the only way to stop it is the meds but how there must be a way to take them and still feel normal.

There must be another solution? ECT maybe? Is it worth risking losing some memory? Now would be the time to do it, before the next round of school starts.

My whatever I have, bipolar, is not treatment resistant, it can be helped with medication but medication drains every part of who I am, makes me exhausted, and essentially just makes me able to function.

If who I really am is bipolar, if I am prone to these wild and crazy up and down swings of mood, then maybe that's who I am and maybe I need to learn to deal with it rather than trying to cover it up with pills. I know that doesn't work.

I have a baby on the way, I should take my meds, I can feel it coming.

I don't want to take them. I dont want to be muted. I don't want to be hidden. I want a chance to find out who I am.

Andrea has commented a lot lately how I am not as stubborn, or passionate as I once was - before the breakdown. She says she loved those qualities about me. Are those gone, or are they just hidden by a medication? How can I find out?

Sometimes I just think - oh nevermind. It's not important.

I need to see wiggers.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Being bad but feeling good - relatively speaking

*cough*

In the past two weeks Ive maybe taken my meds like 3 times. I know I know I know! But they make me so damn tired, even on the modafinil I am so tired, I am sick of being tired because of medication. Today I am tired because of lack of sleep, which is more acceptable to me. I'm angry at having to take medication, Im angry at thinking I need it.

I feel fine. I am more emotional than usual the past few days, but that has happily coincided with my period, so Im attributing my emotional fragility to that. I have energy, I feel balanced, I feel fine.

I've been wondering over the past two weeks if I really am bipolar, or if the meds make me bipolar. Maybe I am not as sick as I think or they think I am. Maybe I don't need these medications to survive on a day to day basis, I seem to be doing fine thus far.

I know, I need to talk to Wiggers about this, I shouldn't just go off my meds, Andrea will be pissed, I know all of these things. Yet, I feel fine, and its my body (mind?) why shouldn't I be able to exercise some control over what affects it. I missed an appointment with Wiggers on Monday, and need to make it up on a Friday when he has walk in hours. Which can't be this Friday, but maybe next. I know he is going to tell me to go back on them, I know we will probably switch a med, and I also  know that in the end the decision to take them is mine. No one can force me to take them.

I don't want to take them. I don't want to pay for them. I don't want the pharmaceuticals coursing through my body affecting every part of me. I just don't want that. I want the ability to be  me again. I have no idea who I am anymore, I want to find myself and I cant seem to find myself when I am on them, I am too busy being tired, and muted. I feel more alive when I don't take them. I feel more like a person and less like I don't know..less emotionally restrained.

I feel like I am where I was before I started taking medication. I have that fear again of taking it, I have that internal hatred of myself for maybe needing them. I doubt their ability to work, only now I wonder if I am sick at all. Yes, I was depressed, yes I had a psychotic break, and yes I look back on my growing up and wonder if some of my actions or inactions were because of bipolar (or maybe I am just looking for an excuse for my actions).

I feel like a fraud in so many ways.

Also, I spent the last twenty minutes writing this instead of paying attention in class, after falling asleep in class for 15 minutes...I'm so going to fail this course.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Olanzapine

Olanzapine is the devil I tell ya.

So after pretty much not sleeping one night, and the next night beginning to rationally think another long walk (my last walk was 17km's) was a good idea, I caved and took an olanzapine. It's like my make you go to sleep because you're hypo manic drug. It did put me to sleep.

Unfortunately, it made me a zombie the next day. I was so tired, and was falling asleep while playing with the kids. Also, like last time I took it, I was so apathetic towards everything. I just didn't care.

It also has sent me into a bit of a down mood. It could be the partial drop from the hypo manic state, combined with the lack of modafinil making me tired - but I am feeling quite down and hopeless about things.

Everything is stressing me out. The amount of time I spend with the kids, how I should be working harder, what other people think of me, what *I* think of me, how my relationship with Andrea could be improved, etc etc etc..oh and don't forget all the money worries floating around my head. They are just all bombarding me and clouding all of my thoughts.

I don't fully blame the drug, I mean I blame it a little. I would definitely prefer to be manic, I just need to find an outlet for that evening energy I have. Something I actually want to be doing. I really enjoy night time walks, and the long ones really get rid of all that pent up agitation I feel. But there must be something else I can do with that energy, something more productive that isn't disruptive to myself or my family.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Beginnings

I feel like I am at the beginning of a hyper manic state. I thought it yesterday when I wasn't my usual tired in the evening. I stayed awake through all my classes two days in a row - which is great for me.

Today, I have tons of energy, and want to spend ALL THE MONEY. I won't because I know we are broke but the temptation is so strong. Andrea needs a circular saw, I want these special pens from the bookstore, as well as a pencil case and highlighters, and a VIU sweater (I'm aware its fucking hot out, but it won't be in the winter, and I always get sweaters from the school I attend - it's like a thing, I'm hoping to get one that says Masters of Business when I graduate as some programs do special things like that. Wouldn't that be cool, I mean I could proudly show that I have my masters, hello outright bragging lol, I don't care).

I need the energy right now, I am facing another long 3 weeks of working and school and this 'semester' has tons more reading to do and things to keep up with. I need the energy so I am awake enough to work and to study and to retain the information.

I am also finding that I am really hot all the time, which is an indication of not only the heat we are facing but my increased blood flow due to my increased heart rate.

Andrea is not pleased, she doesn't think this will be a good things, but I don't know, since being out of my modafinil I have had no energy and am exhausted all of the time. It's nice not to feel so tired. It's nice to be able to stay awake and eat ice cream in the evenings. I am sad we are out of ice cream.

I know my hypo mania won't cause me huge problems, but I am concerned it will cause little ones. I always get a bit more aggressive and impatient with things. And I am much more sexually needy, which isn't great with a pregnant/tired wife on hand.

I'm also quite excited over a big renovation project, which has me surprised. Maybe a symptom of my mania, may be a symptom of my confidence in Andrea's abilities. Plus I have been wanting to turn the "office" into a pantry for a long time. I think it will be a much better use of the space, and will open up the kitchen more. We have already moved the fridge so it's so much bigger already. Hopefully doing the pantry will make the kitchen look better because it's a hole.

I'll keep this blog posted on my hypo-manic state.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Staying Awake and Present

So I am without my wakeup pills, and back on my regime of my regular pills. For about a week I would only take them every other day, I honestly kept forgetting - even though, as Andrea pointed out, I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them. I have no good excuse other than forgetting to. Being back on my pills without the Modafinil to counteract that fatigue and drowsiness I am once again in a constant state of being tired.

The lack of modafinil is combined with my insane work and school schedule, a lack of a proper nights sleep, and not eating enough/properly. All of these factors make me incredibly tired. I actually had to pull over driving the other day because I couldn't stay awake - I haven't done that in a long time.

I have an appointment with Wiggers where I will tell him this information. He is going to be, I don't know, surprised. He was expecting to see a weight loss at this next appointment as my prescription for modafinil was increased so I would have more energy to work out or go for runs. What he doesn't realize is that even if I had the modafinil, I wouldn't have time for those things really, and my knee is so gibbled that even if I wanted to work out or run, I couldn't do very much at all because of the pain and my lack of range of motion.

Speaking of my knee, I have an appointment with Gutmanis, my orthopedic surgeon, about my knee coming up. I am so worried he is going to say that my knee is bad because of my weight - in which case I am screwed. I can't run or work out because of my knee, but the weight is putting too much pressure on my knee - it's a cycle. I am hoping there is actually something wrong with it, and not just my weight.

With the tiredness comes the racing back of all those negative and manic thoughts that I was doing so well to keep at bay. It's harder to fight them when you are too tired. It's like the tiredness feeds these thoughts and they only grow stronger. So far, I have managed to stay in the present, and not put too much weight onto these thoughts, but they are still there and they are stronger than they were before. Especially the manic thoughts. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to go for another 3 hour walk just because, or spend a lot of money. The biggest one for my has always been sexual hyperactivity. For me it manifests itself as a desire for sexual recognition and attention - from anyone. This got me into a lot of situations when I was younger that I regret now. I am not sure what's worse - mania or depression. At least I can function relatively well when I am hypomanic.

Friday, 19 July 2013

Balance

I need to find a work-school-home balance. I suck at it.

It's like working so much has caused me to forget how to be home. It's not that I don't want to be home, it's that I dont know what to do with myself at home. I just keep thinking of the school I could be doing, or the money I could be making if I had decided to work that day.

I miss my family dearly, but I don't know how to just "be" with them anymore without my mind racing to things I should be doing instead.

Maybe that's my problem. Working isn't something I *should* be doing, it's just something I *have* to do. I need to stop thinking about it that way. I need to find a way to be at home again. Maybe I worry I am not good at it anymore. I'm good at working, I can do that, I know how to do that. But taking care of the kids and everything is not something I excel at anymore - and that breaks my heart.

Even with Andrea, we have been so off the last week or so that it doesn't even seem like she wants me around much. I am unable to make her happy. She tells me that nothing is good enough for me, and I just seem cranky all the time. The truth is I am not cranky. My thoughts are distracted and I am downright tired. I am tired because I don't sleep long or well enough, and because my damn medication makes me tired and I havent had my wakeup pills for like 4 days now. Sometimes that powernap helps me function in the later evening, sometimes it makes me more tired. Idk...

I hate being so tired, I hate feeling so useless at home. I don't hate working because I feel that's all I'm good at. The kids actually enjoy being around me because I hardly see them, they cherish their time with me now because its so few and far between, if I was with them every day, I don't know how Id do it. I don't know how Andrea does it, she is a stronger and better person than I am.

I have forgotten how to be a homemaker. In the month or so that I have been working two jobs I have lost my home life balance. It probably didn't help that I started school at the same time I started a second job, so it threw everything off kilter. There is a balance to be found somewhere.

I need to focus my time, buckle down, find more time, and just be a better parent and partner.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Failure

I have one of my wake up pills left - I am supposed to be taking 4 a day. I will take it tomorrow morning and then that's it. We can't afford, right now, for me to get any more. Especially since the pharmacies are out of the generic ones and only have the more expensive name brand ones in stock.

I hate money. I hate hate hate it.

I get so frustrated that I work so damned hard 60 hours a week, plus 20 hours of school time (not including studying at home) and can't even afford a damned cup of coffee. I work so we can get by.

But to the outsider we look great. We own a house, our kids go to private school and we have two vehicles. Little do they know that we may have to pull the kids from school, are looking into selling the house, and the one vehicle was bought by my boss and is a work vehicle because we couldn't afford one when I needed one when Craig moved out.

I'm so angry lately.

I'm angry at Craig for getting to move out and leave us with this mess. I'm angry at us for working off of an incorrect budget. I am angry at me for not figuring that out sooner/doing it in the first place. I'm just angry. I am mostly angry at myself for allowing us to get into this situation where we are being forced to take the kids out of school or sell the house. I'm supposed to provide for the family, for the things we need.

I am the breadwinner, it's my job. Andrea is the homemaker and she does her job well. The kids are always fed, always seem happy, get out and do things, and the house is always relatively clean. But me, I can't even keep said house's roof over our heads. I feel like such an absolutely failure here.

I work for the kids, for Andrea, for the home, and I can't even take care of those things well. We are losing the home (most likely), the kids will be miserable without the school they love and lost if they go to public school. They will be made fun of for being different, and for not having the normal knowledge a kid of their age does. They will be outcasts, all because I couldn't make enough money for the things we thought we had enough money for.

There is a lot of pressure on me, even if its placed on me, by me - to provide. I have to provide. We cannot survive even a week without my working. I can't get sick, I can't get hurt, I can't do anything but work. And even when I do work, it's still not enough. If there was more time I'd get a third job - but then I wouldn't sleep. *sigh*

Thursday, 11 July 2013

We are Responsible for our own happiness

"If you are depressed - you are living in the past,
If you are anxious - you are living in the future,
If you are at peace, you are living in the present"
                                             - Lau Tzu

Can I just tell you how much I hate this saying. It simply is NOT that easy, at least not for me, and I doubt most people with mood or anxiety disorders find this that easy either. Being depressed doesn't mean you are living in the past. Being depressed can simply be your reality, your present emotion/thought/energy etc. That's not to say that no depression is based of living in the past, but I have to argue that when you are Bipolar, your brain simply doesn't work the same way as someone without bipolar, those down feelings, that depression, is not simply caused by focusing on all the negative stuff that *has* happened. A lot of it is caused by the feelings that are, the present - your current and present reality. Most of my negative thoughts that cause depression are not rooted in my past (though I grant that some of them are), a lot of them take the phrase of "you are *insert negative attribute here*", they play over and over again in my head, without any grounds built into my past. Yes sometimes my own brain does bring up instances from the past that support such personal insults, but all it takes is a thought repeating itself over and over again for it to begin to be true - regardless of its factual basis. What you tell yourself, you become, when my brain tells me over and over again that I am not worthy of living, even though I can try to counter it with all the good and positive thoughts, there comes a point where I begin to believe it. That is not living in the past, that is dealing with my present reality. 

It's frustrating to always be told to just be happy, or to exist in the moment. I think the steps towards happiness and peace in someone who is bipolar are different than the steps one without bipolar would take. The road to peace is a little more rocky, and a little more bumpy. We get lost easily. 

I am not trying to make excuses here, we are responsible for our own happiness, but there can be (and in the case of Bipolar - are) road blocks in our way, and it isn't as simple for us. We require tools that non ill people don't require in order to find our own peace. Those tools are often changing, and are often some form of medication as well. Medication is a tool, even if we hate that we have to take it. It helps us quiet those thoughts, and even our emotions out - but does not get us to a state of "normal" - btw, what is normal anyways? It gets us to a place where we have a fighting chance of beating down those thoughts and finding our own peace and happiness. But the thoughts, still exist, our Bipolar is still there - and no amount of medication, or living in the present is going to change that. 

Monday, 8 July 2013

Failing and Falling

I'm struggling, so much so that Andrea has noticed. I just feel so negative, pessimistic, and down about life, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to reign those thoughts in, to keep them under control.

My life isn't bad at all. I have no reason to be feeling the way I feel. Yes, I encounter the daily frustrations of life - but those never brought me down before. Now, they are.

The lawn mower broke my necklace (the chain that you pull to start it got caught on the chain), and then kept shorting out until it eventually ran out of gas - and that whole 45minute ordeal caused me to cry 3 times.

The blow dryer in the bathroom also shorted out on me, for some reason it overloads the plug all of a sudden, and that caused me to cry.

These are just minor instances, yet it's the small things that seem to be bringing me down.

I don't want to go down, I want to just handle those frustrations with ease.

I'm hoping this down mood ends quickly, and doesn't get any worse.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Connections

I thrive on connection. My biggest pillar of support is Andrea. Without connecting with her, at least once a day, I feel less stable, more prone to letting my negative thoughts take over my head, and just generally a less happy person.

This is true for my kids too. Being with them provides a distraction from the negative obsessive thoughts that are in my head all the time. Unfortunately, due to my work schedule I haven't been able to connect with them much. I mean, I go see them every night when I get home, and when I tuck them in and give them a kiss (while they are asleep) I always hope they will wake up a bit and say a few words to me, so I can tell them I love them. Remy normally does. Regardless, they all get kisses, and they all have their blankets adjusted by me so they aren't too hot or too cold. It's the least I can do.

With Andrea, we talk during the day, which helps me feel closer to her, but in the evening, when I get home from work, we connect even more. It's that hour of the day that has been keeping me on track lately. As I have recently said those dark thoughts are creeping in stronger and stronger, they are becoming more obsessive, and louder. Without that hour of the day, I am not sure I would be able to control them. I look forward to it all day, and love it as it unfolds. I put my hands on her stomach and feel our little Ziggy move, we talk about our day, share stories; she tells me about the kids, I tell her about the silly people at my work or school.

It's so simple, but it does so much for me.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Darker Thoughts

I went through a bit of a panic attack this weekend, and with that attack came many dark thoughts. The kinds that are obvious, and seem (and I still think are) so true.

"I'm awful"
"I'm a horrible person"
"I don't deserve my kids"
"Ziggy would be better off without me"
"Why is Andrea still with me"
"How has this become my life"

etc
etc
etc

They are very hard to shake, and very hard to reason my way out of, because they seem so reasonable. I am trying though - but they just keep getting stronger, with every passing day.

I'm still taking my medication.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Talking with Friends

I have a friend on facebook who messaged me out of the blue asking questions about my medications and my bipolar. She was curious for herself. But that's not what this entry is about. 

I hadn't realized how little I talk about my bipolar with people. It feels great to share my experiences with people. Tell them how the medication affected me, what hospitalization was really, how I feel guilty for Andrea, and everything else that comes with being bipolar. It feels almost cathartic and healing. 

I don't know how I would go about talking about it more, sharing my experiences and what not. I would like to talk about it more, educate people and heal myself at the same time. It feels freeing. Like getting the fact that those negative thoughts are coming back out in the open makes them feel less strong, like I am taking control over them by not trying to hide them or protect myself from them all the time. 

I blog, which I guess is me talking about it, but when I blog or keep a journal I always pretend that people are reading it. I write so people will read it. I know no one is reading this blog - which is fine, as I don't promote it and my posts aren't that great. So aside from blogging I don't really talk about it much. I would like to. I would like to end the stigma that goes along with being bipolar. I am functional. I am on medication that helps me. I will always be bipolar but that doesn't mean I'm less of a person. 

Monday, 24 June 2013

The start of a hectic week

So I worked monday to friday last week, and then on saturday and sunday I worked at a hotel cleaning rooms. Then I work monday, tuesday, wednesday at my regular job on top of going to my schools orientation meetings. On Tuesday and Wednesday I also have training for a new job at Bell Canada. On thursday I work my regular job, go home, sleep, then start work at a merchandising job at 9:00p until 6:00a, wherein I will drive to work for my friday shift here. Then I will go home and sleep and work the merchandising job again from 9-6. On saturday I work at Bell Canada from 10-6, then do the merchandising job again from 9-6, and then on sunday I work at Bell from 11-5. It's a crazy ass week. I am hoping adrenalin, and a combination of coffee and my wake up pills keep me going. Oh yeah, On friday I go to orientation at my school from 9-12, then work here for 2 hours, then leave here to go to a midwife appoint for 3:15. Plus I have an appointment with wiggers tomorrow at 3:30.

Am I nervous about my mental health? For once not at all. I need to make sure I am sleeping whenever I can, and that I am taking my pills - this will help me keep sane and balanced during this week.

Andrea is taking such good care of me, she made muffins for my breakfast this morning, as I got to work at 6:00a and intend to do that while I go to school for the 8 weeks so I can get more hours in. She had a smoothie all ready for me, and I have been drinking it all day - it has kept me going and kept my belly full with food. She is an amazing partner and without her I don't think I'd make it through anything.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Creeping

I have been feeling some dark depressive thoughts lately that I know aren't logical. They are creeping into my mind, subconsciously, and becoming my thought patterns. I can feel them, which I suppose is a good thing, as it allows me to fight them off a little better.

Most of it is stress about money and working. Thoughts like "you don't work hard enough to support your family." "you'll never be able to get out of this situation" and "you're pathetic, you're on meds and you still can't function to your full potential." I know they aren't logical but it's stemming from real fears and the real situation right now - which makes them seem all the more valid.

They are making me feel very down and negative about life right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not entering a depression, but I can feel those thoughts trying to seep in and send me into one. I know the medications, and my hard work, is keeping them away. But that's another thing I feel awful about, the fact that I need medication in order to keep my own thoughts away. That's another thing this depression thing uses to get me to feel down.

It's hard work keeping them away. It requires a lot of my concentrate some times, and yesterday, it led me to feel very unmotivated around the house, eventually needing a break from the kids, because I couldn't handle anything. It was a very overwhelming situation.

What if I am not strong enough to keep this one away?

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Working Hard for the Money

I'm feeling a lot of increased stress and thus anxiety over the fact that my working supports our family. I have had several panic attacks at the thought of me getting into a car accident, or tripping, or becoming otherwise impaired - not because I would be injured, or in pain, but because I wouldn't be able to work and then what would my whole family do? I need to work, I have to work - and knowing that is a lot of stress and pressure.

I'm trying to calm my anxieties by realizing that if I were injured there is insurance or whatever, I think that's how it works, to help cover things. And we have very loving family members who would help out either with finances or with child care so Andrea could go to work. I am also trying to tell myself that things are no different now than they were 6 months ago when I wasn't having anxiety over this.

Maybe things are different now, now that we are having another baby. With the girls, I wasn't the primary breadwinner. Even now Craig pays child support and still helps take care of them, and Dave pays child support for the boys - so the kids we already have are being supported by us *as well as* their fathers. With this new baby on the way we will be the sole providers for it - there will be no one available to help us, financially, should things get rough. I think that is playing a part in my anxiety over this.

Plus, I am starting school soon and am really beginning to wonder if now is the right time. I feel like I should hold off for a year and get settled with Ziggy and the new budget, and then go to school - rather than doing it all at one time. I don't know how to approach Andrea and/or Cliff with this as they are both so gung-ho on me going. I know it's also partially nerves that are swaying my decision on whether or not I should be going. And I know, realistically, that though things will be tight, we can do this. We can afford for me to go to school, and it will be good for me in the long run - financially speaking. I'm just so worried. What if I don't get that raise because the company doesn't have enough money? What if the company falls under because we can't get our tea business together? What if, What if, What if?

So much anxiety lately, it's really taking a tole on me.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Confused

I am having gender issues again. Mostly because my work attire is mostly feminine. Some days I still wont to dress more like a male, because I am feeling more like a male that day - but unfortunately I have no work/office appropriate clothes that match that persona.

That being said, I am currently in a more girly phase. I have my nails painted and am wearing a ring. I'm embracing my shape as a woman and trying to find beauty in the state I am in.

The confusion however, and the lack of being able to outwardly express how I feel inwardly has caused some inner turmoil for me. I don't know how to act one way if I feel another. I don't know how to, well, I don't know. I don't think its possible to dress like a woman and feel like a man without some sort of conflict that causes anxiety. I have definitely felt my anxiety heightened in some of these instances.

I am also confused because my role with Ziggy (baby#5) is more of a fatherly role, in the sense of my participation - with the exception of the sperm donation. I feel more protective of Andrea and the baby, and more pressure to perform at work in order to keep our lifestyle the same. That also is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel the weight of our life on my shoulders as I know I *need* to work in order for us to survive. It's a lot of pressure, and most days I think I handle it gracefully, but as my start of school approaches I become more and more apprehensive.

Is it the right time for me to be going to school?

Should I focus more on my work and making sales in order to increase our income?

Should I focus on what they want me to focus on so I can be the best team player?

How am I going to support the family while I am in school?

Can I mentally handle the stress and pressure of going to school to get a Masters, working as close to full time as I can, 4 kids, and a pregnant wife who likes to renovate the house all the time thereby causing more chaos?

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Solitary Peace in Chaos

Today was a busy weird day. I was with the kids all day and we had a blast, of course there were a few snags, whines, and screams but that is par for the course with kids. However, when we got home there was such a different vibe in the house that it as hard for me to transition back.

Andrea and Craig have this kinship with each other which is very cool to witness, but very hard to break into once they have established their rhythym for the day. So that plus my sudden weird mood after dinner made things awkward. \

I had fun playing with Roman, and we snuggled and laid together and read stories all cuddled in a blanket. But then Roman went to bed and I didn't leave the playroom I felt such a sense of peace being in the chaos today that going to the quiet adult time was really hard for me. Plus that aforementioned kinship that was already established. I just felt that I wanted to be alone, or with kids; not that I didn't want to be around other people, just that I felt more at peace by myself.

However, as she was going to bed, Andrea came in and tucked me in and snuggled with me, and I was grounded once again in adult interaction and in our relationship. It felt wonderful, and was a beautiful end to a chaotic, weird day.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Lost

Yesterday was the first day in a while where I felt truly alone and lonely. Though I think Andrea was feeling the same way - which doesn't bring much consolation to either of us I'm sure.

We had a rough afternoon wherein we fought, about Ziggy, and then stopped talking to each other. When I get home I asked her two questions, about yarn, and those were the only words we really said to each other. I had to go out for a meeting, and when I got home she was already asleep in bed.

I think we, everyone, forget that even when we feel alone, sad, depressed etc we still have partners and children to care for. It's easy to get through it and care for the children, but we expect so much of our partners. We assume they will always be our rock, and always be compassionate - but the truth is they have their own shit to deal with. That's the case right now. This pregnancy has been more difficult for me than I imagined it would (also way better than I imagined it would be - very conflicting), and, historically speaking, I have become dependent on Andrea to help me through these rough times. What I realized yesterday, and for a while now, is that though I do need compassion and support I also have to be willing to hear Andrea's emotional turmoil and be there for her in more ways than I have been. Not to say I have been completely negligent to her needs, but I could have been a lot better of a partner yesterday. I think we both could have been. We were both so wrapped up in what we were experiencing that it was impossible to be compassionate with the other side.

Everyone falters, no partnership is without these issues, I am glad that today we have managed to work through it and are talking again. I know we can support each other, and I know we can be there for each other - it's just a matter of remembering that we both need each other.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

I am one of those people

So my meds work well when I take them in the mid afternoon.

Here is my problem - remembering to take them in the mid afternoon. I have been cranky, irritable, fed up with life, and altogether an overall miserable person without motivation and it was only on my drive to work that I realized how long its been since I've taken my meds.

Here is the problem, I see them when I grab my lunch at around 10:00a, and think to myself "I am going to take those at 2" then I see them again around noon for some reason and think the same thing. Inevitably I get busy in the afternoon and forget, and then see them at 4:30 when I am packing my bag to rush home and I think to myself "I'll take these as soon as I get home" and then I get home, and inevitably I forget and don't remember until about 8, wherein I could take them but then I think to myself "that'll screw me up for tomorrow when I take them at 2" but then I forget the next day too.

Needless to say, I have been off them for a while and I think they along with this cough, plus my very late and thus making me crazy period have all contributed to my mood thus far.

I hate being one of those people that has to rely on medication. I was hoping there would be a day, soon, that I could start weaning myself off of these meds - but it doesn't look like that's in my future any time soon. I seem to need them to function at base level. This sucks...and note to self - take meds at 2 today!

Monday, 22 April 2013

Good for my psychosis

So Cliff, my boss at work, informed me that I have psychosis. I'm not sure this is the right term, it certainly rubbed me a bit the wrong way. Psychosis is defined as: "A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality." Which I guess partially describes me. When I am in a hypomanic state I do lose contact with reality a little bit. I mean I can still function but things are a little different, a little off. When I am depressed, I still exist in reality - it's just my reality is a sad one. Perhaps both are a form of psychosis because I am not living in true reality. I don't know - but I didn't like the word.

He also told me that being busy seems to keep my "psychosis" in check and under control. This I believe fully. When my mind and my body are busy I don't have time to think all the negative shit that is constantly in my mind. I can't dwell on it because I am doing other things. That being said, when I am in a 'normal' mood it is easier to be busy. When I am hypomanic it is super easy to be busy. But when I am depressed, it is near impossible. I cannot keep those thoughts in check, and that's what prevents me from being productive. So I am unsure as to whether the busy-ness is a result of being normal, or is actually keeping me from being depressed. It's a bit of a vicious cycle if you ask me.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Being in love with a bipolar spouse

I've been thinking a lot lately on what it must be like to be Andrea. To always be wondering if I am going to slip back into another deep depression, or be worried that I will go into hypomania and she will have to baby sit me again. It must be hard to enjoy the normal times.

I know she doesn't think of anything but the now in terms of my bipolar. I dont think she can afford to. If she thinks about the what might be or could be than she would always be on the guard. Or maybe she always is a little bit.

It's my biggest fear sometimes that I am not doing her proud, or not good enough for her because of my bipolar. I worry that she deserves so much more than someone who is broken. I don't think it would be fair to subject her to another one of my deep depressions. It was hard enough the first go around, I worry what will happen to us if I go through another one - which statistics tell me is likely at some point in my life.

Sometimes it makes me want to be alone, just me. I cant hurt the people I love most if I am not with them or around them. Sometimes I think it would be better if I were away from them all. That's impossible now, but I dont feel good enough for her. I feel like she deserves so much more. More than I can ever be.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Winning

I emailed wiggers about getting an increase on my modafinil - that's my wake up drug that was designed to give me energy in lieu of taking the multitude of caffeine pills I was taking. I still haven't heard a response.

I have managed to keep a depression episode at bay, I could feel it coming on - including thoughts of self injury and self hatred, and while it did hit me a little bit, I put my focus into my work and into knitting to help me distract myself from those thoughts. The trick is, for me, to always keep my mind busy. When it is not busy I have to chase down and contain the many negative thoughts that I feel. They are ever present, I just try to keep them in the back of my mind rather than the forefront.

I still haven't really been able to run, I tried a few days ago and got about 15 minutes in before I got this wicked chest cramp that would not go away and was affecting my ability to breathe properly. I opted to stop at that point. I'd like to try doing workouts again, but I am hating the fact that I will have to start at the beginning of level 1 again rather than halfway through it like I was before I had to stop. I hate having to start things again, but such is life when you are trying to get into shape.

I think part of my leg problems is my shoes. I now wear heels or slight heels to work - as per my talking to where they implied I needed to dress more office like. And in the heels my feet hurt like a bitch, but in the mini heels they don't hurt at all. However, when I put my flats on after wearing other shoes all day my legs and calves and knee really hurt. Maybe I can't wear flats anymore, and need to wear good supportive shoes when I am not in my dress shoes - I'll try that.

With the exception of that depression episode I managed to keep away, things are going well emotionally. I am not obsessing over my weight as much, and I am not self hating all the time. I am beginning to find joy in the every day stuff, and becoming more comfortable with chaos (kind of have to be in our house).

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Weight and Sex

My weight is wrecking our sex life. Im so self conscious because of the way I look that I cringe when Andrea touches me. I LOVE when she touches me but I wonder if she is disgusted with my rolls, and folds, and creases. I wonder if she notices how large I have become, and if so how she can still be attracted to me.

I know it comes down to me needing to be confident in myself, and then I will be more comfortable. I have accepted what size I am. When I go thrifting I look in the big sections now instead of crying over where I once was. I have accepted that I am a 16 pant size (OMG). So I can accept clothes, I just can't accept being out of clothes.

That lack of acceptance is ruining our sex life. We dont have any for many reasons but one of the biggest has got to be my lack of confidence. Looks aside, confidence is sexy - and because I am without that as well, how can I expect her to actually want to be intimate with me. She believes me when I tell her how attracted to her I am, and god I am - she is stunning, and it's not that I think she is lying to me, I just done find myself attractive and thus have a hard time relaxing in my own skin. If I can't relax, I stay in my head.

What needs to happen is one instance of sex where I am out of my head and can relax completely. If I could get it done once than I would know it could happen, and thus would be able to relax more easily the next time.

I don't know how to make it happen that first time.

I feel more confident when I am doing something about my weight, and because I cant right now I feel even shittier about myself. I can't lose the weight because the stress of said weight on my body is causing it swell and be angry. I don't know how to go slow enough to actually lose the weight, while not adding stress on the body. It's a viscious cycle.

Stupid lard.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated. My knee is so swollen and angry. It hurts nearly all the time. I can't squat, or kneel or anything the requires putting stress on it. This means that I can't do workouts or run - I was actually starting to enjoy running, and I loved the way doing workouts made me feel. How am I supposed to lose this weight if I can't do anything to be active? It feels like one setback after another when it comes to my weight and fitness.

I know I said before that one of my triggers that signals when I am going into a depression is my not wanting to work out. But I think not being able to work out can push me into a depression as well. I'm not there, but I can feel my mood being a little low. I was enjoying the endorphins, enjoying the progress. *sigh*

Friday, 22 March 2013

Not so sad fat girl

Fat girl is still fat - but isn't so sad. 

I've been doing really well with my eating, and have done my workouts 4 days in a row, even on a day where a run failed (due to the dog). I am proud of myself. The scale doesn't care about my efforts yet - but it will. It has to. Im eating enough, Im exercising, Im thinking positively (something I was missing in the past), so it will agree with me at some point. 

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

My triggers

Taking my meds in the mid afternoon seems to be working better for me. I feel much more balanced and much more like myself lately. I have even started knitting on a regular basis again. I know this is, as bipolar goes, a good wave - but I'm hoping it sticks around for a while.

Im stressed a bit about money lately, and about the potential for me going back to school. I don't know how we are going to manage on one income, or me with my workload if I get into school. How am I supposed to take care of my work and family obligations, which I don't have a balance of yet, and add to that an MBA workload? It is going to be a challenge - however, I do enjoy being busy and find it focuses me more and keeps away the dark thoughts. I like to keep those away.

I still cry when I think about my body, but I have found renewed motivation to do something about it. It seems to come with my more balanced moods. I guess that should be a good indicator of an impending down mood - a lack of motivation for fitness. Yay, I recognized one of my signs. It's one of the first things to go when I am feeling low.

I did end up joining that facebook group that I talked about and I am enjoying reading the articles. I have yet to post anything in it, however, because I am still a little shy on that front. But, in a non-direct way, I have told the world (the facebook world) that either I am bipolar or I know someone who is. This is a huge step. I always saw it as a weakness, but I am beginning to see it as merely a part, and not all, of who I am. This is another sign of a down for me, when I feel it consuming me, or feel it becoming all of who I am then I should know I am on my way in a downward spiral.

It's good that I can recognize some of my signs, however, I still don't feel I have the correct tools to deal with them when they come. I need to think of some and get them in place before my next down comes so that I am adequately prepared for it.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Life Update

So things are going well. I had my appointment with Wiggers, and he split up my medication, put me on another instead of my caffeine pills that will hopefully keep me awake. It seems to be working, and I didn't suffer caffeine withdrawal - except for the headaches.

I was tempted to join bipolar burble's facebook page the other day. I enjoy, tremendously, reading her articles and the comments on them. However, I didn't want to announce to the world that I was bipolar - and I think that would. However, with some thought I think I am going to. Why should I let the opinions of people I hardly see stop me from supporting the people who have helped or enlightened me throughout this journey.

I feel relatively normal lately, I have good days and bad ones just like anyone else who isn't suffering a mental illness, but that's a good thing. If my life were always on the level than I wouldn't know what a good day was. I feel a little on the cusp of a hypomanic episode but I think that because of the recent big changes that are taking place. They cause my adrenalin to rush and that feels similar to the beginnings of that kind of mania.

There are big, and scary, changes ahead for me. I am going back to school which will be an added stress on me that I am sure I can cope with, and there are some family things going on as well which are exciting and wonderful that also come with some stress. I know the tools I have, the medication I am on, my experience, and the support of those I love will enable me to get through any of the oncoming challenges I am going to be facing.

I am so happy to not be rapid cycling anymore. It was so rough to have those highs and lows every other day, and so draining to go through it. It really made me question, even on good days, if I wanted to continue living like this, living with bipolar. It's a rough road to go down, and I didn't really grasp how permanent this was going to be until this last rapid cycling. This really is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

But not right now, right now I am still fighting off those thoughts successfully, my brain is in check and I am going to keep it that way for as long as I can hold on.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Sad Fat Girl 13

We dont have a full length mirror at home. This is probably a good thing. They had one, well, almost one, at the hotel we were staying at in Vancouver, and I caught many glimpses of myself both clothed and naked in that mirror.

How has this become my body? I didnt go into a shame spiral thankfully, but I did become really self conscious - and that continues to today. All I can think of is how is this my body?

How did I let myself become this person who has rolls, and folds, and cellulite. How did I allow this to happen?

I need to do something to change this. Im going to step up my running, and run harder - or try to. When we get our computer back I am GOING TO DO WORKOUTS on my off days. Any time I need motivation I just need to think of looking in that mirror.

However, for the time being, I want to hide. I want to wear baggy clothes, even if they make me look bigger - I just feel better in them.

I am going to change this. I am embarrassed to be in public, ashamed that Andrea is with me, and now incredibly aware of every part of my body. It isn't fun.

I am disgusted with the way I look. I thought I looked better than I actually do. I mean, I know I am large, but I still didn't realize it was this bad.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Torture

This article is probably one of the best I've read in a while. I was looking around yesterday on my phone for bipolar resources. It started with looking at my ECT options, then therapy options, then being a mother while having bipolar, then on what it's like to have a bipolar spouse - sorry Andrea. \

I ran across the article when looking for therapy options. Essentially, it's like an inside look at what some people's bipolar brains are like. In it she says things like:

"I find that my brain is always off and running in places I don’t want it to go and the only thing I can do is desperately chase it and try to slow it down. All I can do is erect wall after wall and try to box it into somewhere reasonable. All I can do is try and try and try. And never slip up, or forget what I’m doing. Not for a minute. 
This kind of concentration is torture. Dealing with errant brain signals all day is torture. It’s a torture that others can’t see or feel, but it’s there. All the time. "
 This is me. My brain is always thinking so many things I don't want it to, and it's a constant struggle to keep up with and control those thoughts.

Further, I was reading some comments about cognitive behavioural theory, which is my self esteem book, and it was talking about how part of the CBT is to list the negative things (what I just recently did), and then see where your patterns lie. Problem with this, is like the commenter, I can think 1000 bad things about myself, and writing them all down just makes me focus on the negative more. When I actively think the negative, rather than erect walls and chase the thoughts down, I can't escape them. I want to escape them.

Where am I now? Well, I'm back in a depression.

I dont want to live with bipolar for the rest of my life, It's not fair. It's cruel and I don't want to do it.

Friday, 8 February 2013

Not feeling depressed!

Waaaaahhhoooooo!

I am not feeling depressed. Or at least I wasn't yesterday and am not today. I ran 4km yesterday in 30 minutes which is awesome! If I can do it again I'm going to move up programs to learn to run for 60 minutes. How exciting!

I've been plowing through my self esteem book and even hung my affirmations around the house. It was a little embarrassing to be honest - but it's done and hopefully it will help.

I have tons of energy, and am feeling happy - it's wonderful.

I want to rewrite my letter to myself to make it a little more positive, and a little less long. That was I will be more motivated to read it because it won't be two pages long. I am supposed to read this letter out loud to myself two times a day. I've been fairly good about doing it before and after work, I'm proud of myself.

Has this self esteem book made a difference? IDK yet, maybe it has. I am recognizing when I am talking down to myself which is a good first step I guess, I just need to figure out how to combat that and get that thinking out of my head.

I wish I had more to say - I really want to type things.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

If this is bipolar....

....I hate it even more.

Andrea and I were talking last night about my depression as of late. She says normally it last for a couple of days, but I know this one has lasted for a couple of weeks - it is a true depression.

I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. Exercising, eating well, trying to take time for me, working on my self esteem book - but I cant seem to shake it. I kept trying to think of what the one piece I was missing was. What I wasn't doing that would just snap me out of it.

Then Andrea pointed out that "maybe this is just what bipolar is"

This is bipolar? I get depressed for no reason, and can't get out of it until the cycle goes away. This is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life? This is what my family has to go through?

That's not fair to me, or to them. But it's part of the disease evidently. I hate bipolar. I hate hate hate hate it, but I need to find a way to learn to accept that this is who I am now, but I am still okay.

I talked to wiggers on the phone yesterday. He was less than helpful. He told me the stomach issues were probably caused by the metformin - which I knew. He said to stop taking them, and maybe without the vomiting etc - I would come out of my depression. WTF EH? No mention of the tiredness, no mention of how to get out of this depression except for the metformin. This is the one I didn't want to go off of. It's the weightloss one. What if it's keeping me stable at my weight, and now that I am off it, I am going to start gaining again. That's what I was doing before. I'm worried, and upset, and angry.

Monday, 4 February 2013

My Critical Dark Passenger

My down appears to be kicking around. I just cant seem to shake it. Even when I cam keeping busy - like at work or whatever, It's like this shadow that is looming around me. It's like I can feel the presence of my dark passenger, and I havent felt him for a while. I have started taking ativan again when the thoughts or feelings get to scary levels - not suicidal, the ativan prevents those. I have also emailed wiggers to give him an update on whats going on and hopefully get an appointment in sooner than the 25th of february. I know its only 3 weeks away, but 3 weeks is a long time in my emotional and functional world.

Between my down feelings, my tiredness, and my sick feelings all the time it's hard to function on a daily basis. Today I think I found a caffeine pill dosage that allows me to work while at work so I suppose that's a positive. Now I just need to find something to help with the drive to work. I don't like the uncertainty I feel every time I get behind the wheel for a longer drive.

I'm ploughing through the self esteem book, and recently wrote a letter to myself that was supposed to be an accurate (both positive and negative) portrayal of myself. I have to read it twice a day. Per Andrea's suggestion I am going to read it before and after work when I have privacy so I am not embarrassed. I also need to take index cards and write positive affirmations on them and hang them around the house - I am nervous to do that - what will people think. They will judge me. And how pathetic must I be to have to remind myself to think something positive about me, shouldn't I be able to do that on my own? Idk. It's definitely embarrassing.

So now I have my dark passenger around me, and my critic is always hanging around...I really feel bipolar now lol, or schizophrenic; with so many people within me. I am trying to ignore them and be stronger then the both of them but they like to team up on me. I'm doing better on the self esteem stuff - except when it comes to my body. I still can't get on board with that.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Running Didn't Care

I ran last night, even though in my journal I had said I was quitting. The reason I ran was Andrea, and the reason I kept going through my walls when I'd hit them was Craig. You see, I wanted to prevent Andrea from having to deal with my deeper depression by feeling like a failure about quitting. During my run, anytime I wanted to stop I kept thinking about Craigs, "running doesn't care" line and it kept me going. It didn't matter that I had only run 12 minutes last run, and 20 the run before - this was a brand new run, and I could do it. And I did. I ran 3.7km in 30 minutes. A far cry from the 6 I used to do, but better than I was two months ago.

Something is wrong with me. Between the tiredness (in the past two weeks I have had near misses with a car and a pole), the vomiting every other day, the stomach issues, the leg twitch, and the headaches - I feel so broken and run down. Maybe I'm still sick - though I doubt it. Maybe something is happening with my medication. Maybe I shouldn't be taking caffeine pills. But dammit, I don't know what to do and I can't see him for another 23 days. I'm so angry with the system, honestly, what am I supposed to do until then. If I am not suicidal then I can't see or hear from a doctor.

I'mm too tired to write anymore.

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Running Doesn't Care

"Running doesn't care how your last run went." Very wise words from Craig.

You see, my last two runs have been brutal on me. I am supposed to be at 30 minutes, but I have only managed 20 and the last time 12. It has become a mental thing for me and I don't know how to get past it. Further, my last two runs have taken place during this depressive cycle I'm on right now - so when they fail, I see myself and my life as a failure. Last night I was so angry at myself that I wanted to punish myself: cutting, eating so much I puke, depriving myself of things I like - something to take my anger at myself out on myself. I didn't do any of those things. Instead I took Andrea's advice and allowed myself to be angry and upset for 15 more minutes (after 45 of already being that way) and then moved on. I did the things I was avoiding doing - like showering because it seemed like too much work. I was successful in getting over my bad mood.

However, a combination of my meds and the energy it takes to both be in and get out of a depressive mood took a toll on my ability to stay awake. I couldn't do it. I tried watching a show I like, tried reading, tried writing - tried numerous things - but nothing could prevent me from sleep - so I went to bed early :(

I fell asleep driving this morning, no accidents though; I just had to pull over until it was safe to drive again. After this scary incident I decided it was time to get into an appointment with Wiggers rather than just waiting for him to e-mail me back. He is away this week, and unfortunately the only time I can get in is February 25th. That's just under a month away. What am I supposed to do until then? I can't keep risking my life in may car and having my work suffer - nor can I risk the severe and crippling depression I may feel off the medication completely - I feel stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. I am hoping I get a cancellation appointment, and I'm hoping I get it soon.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Back to square one

So off my meds or on my meds who knows the cause

All I know is I could take my inderal, its the only one I have that could do the trick, I could just be done with these feelings once and for all.

There is no grey with me, it's all black and white. I don't do mild depression - I go big. I go straight to suicide and self harm.

Andrea and I had a very honest talk last night about how she feels when I am in one of my depressive moods, and it actually helped me. It enabled me to identify when my critic was speaking, and though I couldn't tell it to shut up then - when I was on my (crappy) run later on I was able to tell him to shut up and say my positive reinforcement saying: "I am finding peace with and for myself, I am okay." And it quieted my tears a little.

I don't know why I immediately go to ending it. Andrea tells me its selfish - and I've read that before. But it's so hard to feel this bad - even though I know it will pass logically. Emotionally speaking I see no way out of this. Even if it does end, how long until I have to suffer through one again.

I know, logically again, that my meds work and that it was my 5 days off of them that is doing this to me, but what if I get sick again, what if I forget to take them...what if what if what if.

I know that I can't live my life in "what ifs" there are too many of them. Who knows, maybe I'll get out of this one and then not suffer for a long time - actually enjoy life.

I need to tell wiggers, I know this - but I don't want another med change, I don't want to have my meds increased because of a down, maybe a self inflicted down due to not taking my meds for those days. I just want something to help me feel like me. It's hard to deal with my own emotions when all of my energy is going to keeping myself awake, and trying to function at work or at home. I don't know what a doctor will or can do - but there must be something.

I told Andrea how I feel, and I worry that was a mistake. I don't feel that way right now, but right now isn't later. My hardest times are in the evening when I am seriously drained and find it hard to be present at all.

Andrea tells me I have been mean to the kids, and I don't see it - but maybe I can't see it. She tells me I am not present with them - but I feel I am being present. I just don't get excited over the same little things that she does, but maybe I need to. Those small things are what make up a child's life, so not enjoying that with them may be detrimental. I do honestly enjoy reading them stories, just sometimes it's hard to stay awake and my eyes blur and as a result I seem distant. I don't know. The talk about the kids last night reminded of a conversation Andrea and I had two Decembers ago where she told me I wasn't being a good mother, and if I continued that way she didn't know if she could stay with me. She did not say those things last night. But the talk about parenting was a flashback. It was that talk that convinced me to seek help in the first place.

We also discussed the fact that the kids aren't my number one priority - she is. My kids have never been my number one priority. Yes, they are up there, but I've always felt that I need to take care of other areas of my life fully before I can take adequate care of my kids. Unfortunately, my top priority has become Andrea - much to her dismay. In the past I have been so petrified of losing her that I've done everything in my power to keep her happy. Now, I am not so scared of losing her but I don't know how to change my priorities. I need to make myself my number one priority, take care of me, love me, before I can be there fully for anyone else. I don't know how to do that.

Maybe I am depressed and my pills were able to hold it at bay for a while, and now my depression is stronger and over powering it. Maybe stress is getting to me. Maybe Maybe Maybe. I can't tell you why I feel this low lately (and it's only been like a week or so), and I need to figure out the why - I think. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I should concentrate on getting out of it instead of figuring out the reason first.


Thursday, 24 January 2013

Medically Affected

I was off my medication for 5 days. And for 4 of those days I felt wonderful. The tiredness subsided - the caffeine pills actually made me super way above normal energetic and made me feel almost high. I still felt balanced. It was so great to feel like I was getting a piece of my head back. Even work became a little clearer. Then on day 5 I started to feel intense anxiety and irritation over everything. I was on the verge of tears, and was up all night stressing about a new job I was going to do. I managed some sleep only when I was cuddling with something or someone.

Now let me be clear, I didn't purposefully stop taking my pills. For two days I honestly forgot in the hustle of the morning, and for three days after that I was sick as a dog and couldn't really keep anything down or was afraid to try. So it's not like I was doing a trial run of what it would be like off my medication. However, I wonder if the anxiety and irritability would have passed eventually. I wonder if I would have been okay. These thoughts plague me sometimes. Some of the pills I am on are not supposed to be long term, but for me they are - so I wonder if I just become physically dependent on them rather than needing them for my mental sanity.

So I am back on my medication and the tiredness has returned with a vengeance. Today my lower dose of caffeine pills, as the store didn't have the 200 mg ones - only the 100 mg, are barely keeping me awake. It's painful. Yesterday evening/night I could hardly keep my eyes open again as the extreme drowsiness and fatigue began taking over my body and my head. It's unbearable and very annoying. I hate it. The tiredness is honestly the second worst part (the first being the weight thing), it's exhausting (lol) to always have to rely on another three pills to even function at below baseline. How am I supposed to keep up with work and home and life if I can't stay awake to be present in it.

On the weight front I bought new jeans, a smaller size - although they are skinny jeans and I am not sure I like them, and a jacket that could not do up before can do up now. One would think I would be happy - and I am. But yet the scale is not being kind to me, I remain the same weight or higher. I know weight is just a number, and the key is to remember how you feel and how clothes fit but I can't help but think the weight is just redistributing itself elsewhere on my body. I just wish I could see the number drop. I have been eating well, even snacking on broccoli and carrots in lieu of chocolate, and sickness aside I have been running every other day - nearly at 30 minutes! But the scale continues to be mean.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Day 1

Today is Day 1. Day 1 of trying to get my work life back in order.

I have become so used to not knowing what I am doing that I have let my work slide and am now drowning in paperwork that needs to be filed, mail that needs to be opened, bills that need to be paid, etc etc. My desk looks like a war zone and I am dead in it. Instead I distract myself with the exact task at hand, and then forget about it if I cant finish it. I am getting new things piled on me every day and I can't keep up. It's my own fault.

I was up until the wee hours of the morning today unable to sleep and on and off crying because of how lost at work I really I am. I am paranoid and petrified that Cliff is going to find out how much of a slacker I am and then fire me, and then I will be without a job. I need to get my ass back in gear. I need to get down and focus.

I know if I could start from zero, that is start from fresh, I would be okay - but i need to dig myself out of this hole that I have gotten myself into. I am going to take baby steps to do that today. I am going to deal with all the bills/mail/and filing. That is my goal. It is doable if not a lot of work. It's the filing that scares me, because I've never really had to do a filing system before, so mine is crap.

My lack of focus or whatever at work is really playing on my moods. It makes me feel like crap about myself, and then the paranoia about losing my job, and then the what would my family do etc. I hate being the breadwinner for this reason. There is so much pressure. SO much pressure. I feel like I need a vacation from work where I can just regroup my thoughts and come back clear headed. A vacation due to sickness does not count. I need to get away, get reenergized, and come back. It is my goal to get "caught up" and out of this hole within a week. I think it can be done, it's just going to take a lot of work.

Once out of the hole my emotional turmoil about work should lift and I should hopefully be able to ask for help where i need it.

But what if I cant get back on track, what if I need help even to do that?

I cant afford to think like that. My family cant afford for me to think like that.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Reading

I've found something I really like to do! Reading! I forgot how much I love getting lost in a book. It's a way to escape. Between that and running I'm feeling pretty good lately. I just need to find time to read, and some good books. This is why I think I would love a kindle. I love the tactile stimulation that is turning pages, but with a kindle you can just download books without having to search for them, and buy them or go to the library to get them. As it stands I am trying to get my hands on Mockingjay - the third and final book in The Hunger Games series. I loved the second book, and adored the first movie.

Running goes decently, I took some time off because I got sick but was back at it yesterday. I am now at running 25minutes with a pace of 12 minutes 48 seconds per kilometer. I'm pleased. My goal is to once again run 5Km in 30 minutes. I know I am still far away from that as I can probably run 3.5 in 30 minutes - but it's a definite start. I'm proud that I have stuck with it and have found my enjoyment with it. Now if only the dog would co-operate nicely with my running.

I still need my caffeine pills to function. I didn't take them yesterday and was dead. I was literally falling asleep at work and could hardly concentrate. I hate what my meds do to me. I can't believe how exhausted I get and how quickly.

Good things...I like good things.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Ramblings and Renos

I'm still feeling overall down, and it's only gotten worse. I find it a struggle to be involved and to stay positive.

I'm sure, in fact I know, that part of it has to deal with this self esteem book I'm working on. I don't think it takes into account that some people who may be using it are bipolar or suffer with depression. I just had to list all my faults, including asking others to tell me what they thought of me (positive and negative) in 8 different areas of my life. It is very demoralizing to see that I listed more negative attributes than positive ones - by far. Then to have to go through them one by one and be more specific about each fault. For example, one of my faults was "Double Chin" I changed that into "Extra fat around my face caused by my medication, lack of exercise during depression, and eating habits. Something I must accept for now but am determined to change." Even saying that it is still a negative. It made me feel really shitty about myself.

As a result I spent most of yesterday sulking and being sick. I'm sure my attitude did not help my sickness and vice versa. I found it hard to be involved with renovations and often felt awkward, unneeded and out of place. Partially true as Andrea and Craig didn't really need me and couldn't use me for much. I did feel useful in watching the kids and getting Andrea and Craig sustenance though :) Andrea has even said that it would take longer to teach me to do things than for her to do it. I need to find a way to learn some of these things on my own, without being afraid of failing, so that I can be of use to people when it comes to the reno stuff. I dislike that Andrea does all of it, but at the same time the things I have tried to do (taping the window, priming the dining room ceiling, scraping/sanding the bedroom ceiling) have not gone too well and have needed re-doing. I don't know how to practice this stuff, when it is easier and more efficient for her to just do it. We are about efficiency here, given that we are on a time limit.

Andrea spent most of the day frustrated with me because she thought I was being a martyr. I wasn't, as I know how I feel when I am, I was merely trying to stay out of the way so things could get done. I helped when I was needed - like moving paneling and  drywall, as well as holding the drywall up so it could be screwed in - but other than that wasn't really required for anything. Do you know I have never used a power tool in my life: save for a sander, and a nail gun twice. That makes me quite useless when it comes to this stuff. I lack the man strength to rip floor up or do the heavy stuff as well - which is acceptable given that I am not a man.

I am okay with my lack of involvement, and the two of them have been nothing but welcoming and have not tried to exclude me at all. I just wish that I had the strength, or know-how to actually be of use for something. However, I don't mind spending the extra time with the kids - I hardly see them, so it's nice to be able to read them stories and listen to their games. It gives me faith in my parenting, plus I folded a ton of laundry yesterday. So while I wasn't productive with the construction stuff, I was productive with the household stuff which is something I've been missing since I started working.

That was a tangent I didn't mean to go off on. The point of this entry was to talk about my feeling down as of late. I can feel the medication holding me up, which I guess it should be doing. I wonder how bad my depression would be if I wasn't on the medication, would I be as low as I was last time? Would I be hospitalized again? I am thankful for the medication at times like these, even though I forget to take it on the weekends sometimes. I hate that I need it to stay some semblance of normal but I'd rather be fake normal than severely depressed.

Friday, 11 January 2013

Two parts positive

I got shin splints in one of my legs so that took me off running, though only for a week. But in that time I went crazy. I wanted to run so badly - I am glad I am starting to love running, it makes it that much easier to get out of the house.

I weigh myself quite frequently, to try to see some trends in my weight - like when I weigh less, how my general weight loss is going etc. So far there has been very little improvement. I have gained weight overall - still. In fact, the scale read the highest its ever read the other day. I am trying to eat a baselines amount of food, though every instinct in my body is screaming for me to become anorexic again and just limit my food intake entirely.

I did find out that my first goal jeans are not a 32-34 like I thought they were, like they said they were but are in fact closer to a 29. This makes me feel better that I can't even come close to doing them up. My shorts are a size 38 men's and my jeans are a 36 women's, and they are getting too big. This means that I am probably a 34 now. When I get to a 32 I will be happy. That's where I was before I lost all the weight originally, and that seems like a workable average number. Being a 36 just seems so large. At least for me on my small stature.

I was laying on the couch last night on my side and Andrea was rubbing my side and she put her hand on my stomach. I almost died right there. I was so grossed out by what she was touching and nearly moved away. I didn't because I knew she would get offended if I did. But man was I embarrassed. I know no one is particularly attractive in their mid section when laying on their sides, but still - my stomach is so large.

Emotionally speaking I have had a hard couple of days. I can feel myself feeling down, but being kept up by the medication - which I suppose is what it's there for. I can still feel the urge to hide in my bedroom by myself but I am fighting it as much as I can. Running gives me the opportunity to be alone, and most of the time distracts me from my negative thoughts.

I am now, according to my work book, supposed to be giving myself affirmations every time I tell my critic to shut up! My affirmation is "I am finding peace with and for myself. I am okay." I know it isn't overly positive, but its a start for me, and really it's what I want to accomplish most of all. I want to be at peace with me. I want to feel that I am okay just the way I am. That's why I chose it.

So that's my update. Two parts positive one part negative. That's an improvement for me!

Monday, 7 January 2013

Jeans

So my jeans have been big on me for a couple of weeks now. They are a size 36 (I holy crapped when I realized that was my size, considering I used to be a 26-28). But nonetheless they are big now, even when washed. So I went to the local thrift store to find out what size I am now. My first goal jeans are a 32, and I was so hoping to fit into 32's. Well, they do up, but they aren't pretty. So I am a solid 34, which is a one pant size difference. No weight loss, maybe just a redistribution.

I was excited for all of 5 seconds. Then I realized, again, how small I used to be and wondered why I was happy that I was still 6"-8" bigger waist than I was before. I was crushed.

But you see, I am reading this self esteem workbook thing, and it tells me that I am supposed to pay attention to my critic and tell him to shut up. So I did. I decided to turn off my brain and not think. I allowed myself to be content, but did not feel negative about the situation.

I'm going to try on my first goal jeans tonight and see if they do up. I've been pining after wearing these jeans since the summer.

Friday, 4 January 2013

Guilt

I love my kids - all of them. But I don't know how to parent them. Since being at work I have forgotten what it's like to have them for a day, or even a few hours. I've grown accustomed to seeing them in short bursts of time. It's not that I don't want to parent them, it's that I am afraid to. I am afraid of screwing them up, afraid of doing it wrong, and afraid of my own potential as a parent. I'm aware my feelings are cowardly.

So, what do I do with them? I give them every opportunity to go see Craig. I pass my kids off so I don't have to face my fear of parenting them. It has nothing to do with being a martyr, it has to do with fear. Why not allow them to be mostly raised by two people, Craig and Andrea, who know what they are doing and who are comfortable with it.

I haven't really been all there as a parent since December 2009. That's when life started. I entered a depression, then got so distracted with the ins and outs of polyamory, then had my mental breakdown. It's been three years since I truly felt capable as a full time parent. Yes, I parented during the ins and outs of our situation, but I didn't feel present. My feelings kept taking precedence over the proper raising of my kids - and that is something I feel guilty for as well. Then I started working - and that took me out of the house for longer and longer periods of time. Now I am gone for about 10 hours per day. My habits dictate that my life is mostly work with small amounts of parenting.

The guilt I feel about this is overwhelming. I gave birth to two of them, and have been a parent to the other two for years - yet I am unable to actually parent them. I am a coward. I am too afraid of my own failures to be there for my kids. I obviously do not put them first. That fact alone makes me terrified to parent them, if I don't put them first how can I be an adequate mother?

I don't know what to do. I don't want to not have a relationship with my kids, but I don't want them to be able to detect my fears and uncertainties. I feel trapped in between a rock and a hard place. I want to be a mother - but I am incapable of doing it properly.

I am guilty. I am afraid. I need to learn how to be a mother again, and the only way to do that is to keep trying.