Thursday, 31 January 2013

Running Doesn't Care

"Running doesn't care how your last run went." Very wise words from Craig.

You see, my last two runs have been brutal on me. I am supposed to be at 30 minutes, but I have only managed 20 and the last time 12. It has become a mental thing for me and I don't know how to get past it. Further, my last two runs have taken place during this depressive cycle I'm on right now - so when they fail, I see myself and my life as a failure. Last night I was so angry at myself that I wanted to punish myself: cutting, eating so much I puke, depriving myself of things I like - something to take my anger at myself out on myself. I didn't do any of those things. Instead I took Andrea's advice and allowed myself to be angry and upset for 15 more minutes (after 45 of already being that way) and then moved on. I did the things I was avoiding doing - like showering because it seemed like too much work. I was successful in getting over my bad mood.

However, a combination of my meds and the energy it takes to both be in and get out of a depressive mood took a toll on my ability to stay awake. I couldn't do it. I tried watching a show I like, tried reading, tried writing - tried numerous things - but nothing could prevent me from sleep - so I went to bed early :(

I fell asleep driving this morning, no accidents though; I just had to pull over until it was safe to drive again. After this scary incident I decided it was time to get into an appointment with Wiggers rather than just waiting for him to e-mail me back. He is away this week, and unfortunately the only time I can get in is February 25th. That's just under a month away. What am I supposed to do until then? I can't keep risking my life in may car and having my work suffer - nor can I risk the severe and crippling depression I may feel off the medication completely - I feel stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. I am hoping I get a cancellation appointment, and I'm hoping I get it soon.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Back to square one

So off my meds or on my meds who knows the cause

All I know is I could take my inderal, its the only one I have that could do the trick, I could just be done with these feelings once and for all.

There is no grey with me, it's all black and white. I don't do mild depression - I go big. I go straight to suicide and self harm.

Andrea and I had a very honest talk last night about how she feels when I am in one of my depressive moods, and it actually helped me. It enabled me to identify when my critic was speaking, and though I couldn't tell it to shut up then - when I was on my (crappy) run later on I was able to tell him to shut up and say my positive reinforcement saying: "I am finding peace with and for myself, I am okay." And it quieted my tears a little.

I don't know why I immediately go to ending it. Andrea tells me its selfish - and I've read that before. But it's so hard to feel this bad - even though I know it will pass logically. Emotionally speaking I see no way out of this. Even if it does end, how long until I have to suffer through one again.

I know, logically again, that my meds work and that it was my 5 days off of them that is doing this to me, but what if I get sick again, what if I forget to take them...what if what if what if.

I know that I can't live my life in "what ifs" there are too many of them. Who knows, maybe I'll get out of this one and then not suffer for a long time - actually enjoy life.

I need to tell wiggers, I know this - but I don't want another med change, I don't want to have my meds increased because of a down, maybe a self inflicted down due to not taking my meds for those days. I just want something to help me feel like me. It's hard to deal with my own emotions when all of my energy is going to keeping myself awake, and trying to function at work or at home. I don't know what a doctor will or can do - but there must be something.

I told Andrea how I feel, and I worry that was a mistake. I don't feel that way right now, but right now isn't later. My hardest times are in the evening when I am seriously drained and find it hard to be present at all.

Andrea tells me I have been mean to the kids, and I don't see it - but maybe I can't see it. She tells me I am not present with them - but I feel I am being present. I just don't get excited over the same little things that she does, but maybe I need to. Those small things are what make up a child's life, so not enjoying that with them may be detrimental. I do honestly enjoy reading them stories, just sometimes it's hard to stay awake and my eyes blur and as a result I seem distant. I don't know. The talk about the kids last night reminded of a conversation Andrea and I had two Decembers ago where she told me I wasn't being a good mother, and if I continued that way she didn't know if she could stay with me. She did not say those things last night. But the talk about parenting was a flashback. It was that talk that convinced me to seek help in the first place.

We also discussed the fact that the kids aren't my number one priority - she is. My kids have never been my number one priority. Yes, they are up there, but I've always felt that I need to take care of other areas of my life fully before I can take adequate care of my kids. Unfortunately, my top priority has become Andrea - much to her dismay. In the past I have been so petrified of losing her that I've done everything in my power to keep her happy. Now, I am not so scared of losing her but I don't know how to change my priorities. I need to make myself my number one priority, take care of me, love me, before I can be there fully for anyone else. I don't know how to do that.

Maybe I am depressed and my pills were able to hold it at bay for a while, and now my depression is stronger and over powering it. Maybe stress is getting to me. Maybe Maybe Maybe. I can't tell you why I feel this low lately (and it's only been like a week or so), and I need to figure out the why - I think. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I should concentrate on getting out of it instead of figuring out the reason first.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Medically Affected

I was off my medication for 5 days. And for 4 of those days I felt wonderful. The tiredness subsided - the caffeine pills actually made me super way above normal energetic and made me feel almost high. I still felt balanced. It was so great to feel like I was getting a piece of my head back. Even work became a little clearer. Then on day 5 I started to feel intense anxiety and irritation over everything. I was on the verge of tears, and was up all night stressing about a new job I was going to do. I managed some sleep only when I was cuddling with something or someone.

Now let me be clear, I didn't purposefully stop taking my pills. For two days I honestly forgot in the hustle of the morning, and for three days after that I was sick as a dog and couldn't really keep anything down or was afraid to try. So it's not like I was doing a trial run of what it would be like off my medication. However, I wonder if the anxiety and irritability would have passed eventually. I wonder if I would have been okay. These thoughts plague me sometimes. Some of the pills I am on are not supposed to be long term, but for me they are - so I wonder if I just become physically dependent on them rather than needing them for my mental sanity.

So I am back on my medication and the tiredness has returned with a vengeance. Today my lower dose of caffeine pills, as the store didn't have the 200 mg ones - only the 100 mg, are barely keeping me awake. It's painful. Yesterday evening/night I could hardly keep my eyes open again as the extreme drowsiness and fatigue began taking over my body and my head. It's unbearable and very annoying. I hate it. The tiredness is honestly the second worst part (the first being the weight thing), it's exhausting (lol) to always have to rely on another three pills to even function at below baseline. How am I supposed to keep up with work and home and life if I can't stay awake to be present in it.

On the weight front I bought new jeans, a smaller size - although they are skinny jeans and I am not sure I like them, and a jacket that could not do up before can do up now. One would think I would be happy - and I am. But yet the scale is not being kind to me, I remain the same weight or higher. I know weight is just a number, and the key is to remember how you feel and how clothes fit but I can't help but think the weight is just redistributing itself elsewhere on my body. I just wish I could see the number drop. I have been eating well, even snacking on broccoli and carrots in lieu of chocolate, and sickness aside I have been running every other day - nearly at 30 minutes! But the scale continues to be mean.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Day 1

Today is Day 1. Day 1 of trying to get my work life back in order.

I have become so used to not knowing what I am doing that I have let my work slide and am now drowning in paperwork that needs to be filed, mail that needs to be opened, bills that need to be paid, etc etc. My desk looks like a war zone and I am dead in it. Instead I distract myself with the exact task at hand, and then forget about it if I cant finish it. I am getting new things piled on me every day and I can't keep up. It's my own fault.

I was up until the wee hours of the morning today unable to sleep and on and off crying because of how lost at work I really I am. I am paranoid and petrified that Cliff is going to find out how much of a slacker I am and then fire me, and then I will be without a job. I need to get my ass back in gear. I need to get down and focus.

I know if I could start from zero, that is start from fresh, I would be okay - but i need to dig myself out of this hole that I have gotten myself into. I am going to take baby steps to do that today. I am going to deal with all the bills/mail/and filing. That is my goal. It is doable if not a lot of work. It's the filing that scares me, because I've never really had to do a filing system before, so mine is crap.

My lack of focus or whatever at work is really playing on my moods. It makes me feel like crap about myself, and then the paranoia about losing my job, and then the what would my family do etc. I hate being the breadwinner for this reason. There is so much pressure. SO much pressure. I feel like I need a vacation from work where I can just regroup my thoughts and come back clear headed. A vacation due to sickness does not count. I need to get away, get reenergized, and come back. It is my goal to get "caught up" and out of this hole within a week. I think it can be done, it's just going to take a lot of work.

Once out of the hole my emotional turmoil about work should lift and I should hopefully be able to ask for help where i need it.

But what if I cant get back on track, what if I need help even to do that?

I cant afford to think like that. My family cant afford for me to think like that.

Thursday, 17 January 2013


I've found something I really like to do! Reading! I forgot how much I love getting lost in a book. It's a way to escape. Between that and running I'm feeling pretty good lately. I just need to find time to read, and some good books. This is why I think I would love a kindle. I love the tactile stimulation that is turning pages, but with a kindle you can just download books without having to search for them, and buy them or go to the library to get them. As it stands I am trying to get my hands on Mockingjay - the third and final book in The Hunger Games series. I loved the second book, and adored the first movie.

Running goes decently, I took some time off because I got sick but was back at it yesterday. I am now at running 25minutes with a pace of 12 minutes 48 seconds per kilometer. I'm pleased. My goal is to once again run 5Km in 30 minutes. I know I am still far away from that as I can probably run 3.5 in 30 minutes - but it's a definite start. I'm proud that I have stuck with it and have found my enjoyment with it. Now if only the dog would co-operate nicely with my running.

I still need my caffeine pills to function. I didn't take them yesterday and was dead. I was literally falling asleep at work and could hardly concentrate. I hate what my meds do to me. I can't believe how exhausted I get and how quickly.

Good things...I like good things.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Ramblings and Renos

I'm still feeling overall down, and it's only gotten worse. I find it a struggle to be involved and to stay positive.

I'm sure, in fact I know, that part of it has to deal with this self esteem book I'm working on. I don't think it takes into account that some people who may be using it are bipolar or suffer with depression. I just had to list all my faults, including asking others to tell me what they thought of me (positive and negative) in 8 different areas of my life. It is very demoralizing to see that I listed more negative attributes than positive ones - by far. Then to have to go through them one by one and be more specific about each fault. For example, one of my faults was "Double Chin" I changed that into "Extra fat around my face caused by my medication, lack of exercise during depression, and eating habits. Something I must accept for now but am determined to change." Even saying that it is still a negative. It made me feel really shitty about myself.

As a result I spent most of yesterday sulking and being sick. I'm sure my attitude did not help my sickness and vice versa. I found it hard to be involved with renovations and often felt awkward, unneeded and out of place. Partially true as Andrea and Craig didn't really need me and couldn't use me for much. I did feel useful in watching the kids and getting Andrea and Craig sustenance though :) Andrea has even said that it would take longer to teach me to do things than for her to do it. I need to find a way to learn some of these things on my own, without being afraid of failing, so that I can be of use to people when it comes to the reno stuff. I dislike that Andrea does all of it, but at the same time the things I have tried to do (taping the window, priming the dining room ceiling, scraping/sanding the bedroom ceiling) have not gone too well and have needed re-doing. I don't know how to practice this stuff, when it is easier and more efficient for her to just do it. We are about efficiency here, given that we are on a time limit.

Andrea spent most of the day frustrated with me because she thought I was being a martyr. I wasn't, as I know how I feel when I am, I was merely trying to stay out of the way so things could get done. I helped when I was needed - like moving paneling and  drywall, as well as holding the drywall up so it could be screwed in - but other than that wasn't really required for anything. Do you know I have never used a power tool in my life: save for a sander, and a nail gun twice. That makes me quite useless when it comes to this stuff. I lack the man strength to rip floor up or do the heavy stuff as well - which is acceptable given that I am not a man.

I am okay with my lack of involvement, and the two of them have been nothing but welcoming and have not tried to exclude me at all. I just wish that I had the strength, or know-how to actually be of use for something. However, I don't mind spending the extra time with the kids - I hardly see them, so it's nice to be able to read them stories and listen to their games. It gives me faith in my parenting, plus I folded a ton of laundry yesterday. So while I wasn't productive with the construction stuff, I was productive with the household stuff which is something I've been missing since I started working.

That was a tangent I didn't mean to go off on. The point of this entry was to talk about my feeling down as of late. I can feel the medication holding me up, which I guess it should be doing. I wonder how bad my depression would be if I wasn't on the medication, would I be as low as I was last time? Would I be hospitalized again? I am thankful for the medication at times like these, even though I forget to take it on the weekends sometimes. I hate that I need it to stay some semblance of normal but I'd rather be fake normal than severely depressed.

Friday, 11 January 2013

Two parts positive

I got shin splints in one of my legs so that took me off running, though only for a week. But in that time I went crazy. I wanted to run so badly - I am glad I am starting to love running, it makes it that much easier to get out of the house.

I weigh myself quite frequently, to try to see some trends in my weight - like when I weigh less, how my general weight loss is going etc. So far there has been very little improvement. I have gained weight overall - still. In fact, the scale read the highest its ever read the other day. I am trying to eat a baselines amount of food, though every instinct in my body is screaming for me to become anorexic again and just limit my food intake entirely.

I did find out that my first goal jeans are not a 32-34 like I thought they were, like they said they were but are in fact closer to a 29. This makes me feel better that I can't even come close to doing them up. My shorts are a size 38 men's and my jeans are a 36 women's, and they are getting too big. This means that I am probably a 34 now. When I get to a 32 I will be happy. That's where I was before I lost all the weight originally, and that seems like a workable average number. Being a 36 just seems so large. At least for me on my small stature.

I was laying on the couch last night on my side and Andrea was rubbing my side and she put her hand on my stomach. I almost died right there. I was so grossed out by what she was touching and nearly moved away. I didn't because I knew she would get offended if I did. But man was I embarrassed. I know no one is particularly attractive in their mid section when laying on their sides, but still - my stomach is so large.

Emotionally speaking I have had a hard couple of days. I can feel myself feeling down, but being kept up by the medication - which I suppose is what it's there for. I can still feel the urge to hide in my bedroom by myself but I am fighting it as much as I can. Running gives me the opportunity to be alone, and most of the time distracts me from my negative thoughts.

I am now, according to my work book, supposed to be giving myself affirmations every time I tell my critic to shut up! My affirmation is "I am finding peace with and for myself. I am okay." I know it isn't overly positive, but its a start for me, and really it's what I want to accomplish most of all. I want to be at peace with me. I want to feel that I am okay just the way I am. That's why I chose it.

So that's my update. Two parts positive one part negative. That's an improvement for me!

Monday, 7 January 2013


So my jeans have been big on me for a couple of weeks now. They are a size 36 (I holy crapped when I realized that was my size, considering I used to be a 26-28). But nonetheless they are big now, even when washed. So I went to the local thrift store to find out what size I am now. My first goal jeans are a 32, and I was so hoping to fit into 32's. Well, they do up, but they aren't pretty. So I am a solid 34, which is a one pant size difference. No weight loss, maybe just a redistribution.

I was excited for all of 5 seconds. Then I realized, again, how small I used to be and wondered why I was happy that I was still 6"-8" bigger waist than I was before. I was crushed.

But you see, I am reading this self esteem workbook thing, and it tells me that I am supposed to pay attention to my critic and tell him to shut up. So I did. I decided to turn off my brain and not think. I allowed myself to be content, but did not feel negative about the situation.

I'm going to try on my first goal jeans tonight and see if they do up. I've been pining after wearing these jeans since the summer.

Friday, 4 January 2013


I love my kids - all of them. But I don't know how to parent them. Since being at work I have forgotten what it's like to have them for a day, or even a few hours. I've grown accustomed to seeing them in short bursts of time. It's not that I don't want to parent them, it's that I am afraid to. I am afraid of screwing them up, afraid of doing it wrong, and afraid of my own potential as a parent. I'm aware my feelings are cowardly.

So, what do I do with them? I give them every opportunity to go see Craig. I pass my kids off so I don't have to face my fear of parenting them. It has nothing to do with being a martyr, it has to do with fear. Why not allow them to be mostly raised by two people, Craig and Andrea, who know what they are doing and who are comfortable with it.

I haven't really been all there as a parent since December 2009. That's when life started. I entered a depression, then got so distracted with the ins and outs of polyamory, then had my mental breakdown. It's been three years since I truly felt capable as a full time parent. Yes, I parented during the ins and outs of our situation, but I didn't feel present. My feelings kept taking precedence over the proper raising of my kids - and that is something I feel guilty for as well. Then I started working - and that took me out of the house for longer and longer periods of time. Now I am gone for about 10 hours per day. My habits dictate that my life is mostly work with small amounts of parenting.

The guilt I feel about this is overwhelming. I gave birth to two of them, and have been a parent to the other two for years - yet I am unable to actually parent them. I am a coward. I am too afraid of my own failures to be there for my kids. I obviously do not put them first. That fact alone makes me terrified to parent them, if I don't put them first how can I be an adequate mother?

I don't know what to do. I don't want to not have a relationship with my kids, but I don't want them to be able to detect my fears and uncertainties. I feel trapped in between a rock and a hard place. I want to be a mother - but I am incapable of doing it properly.

I am guilty. I am afraid. I need to learn how to be a mother again, and the only way to do that is to keep trying.