Monday, 28 January 2013

Back to square one

So off my meds or on my meds who knows the cause

All I know is I could take my inderal, its the only one I have that could do the trick, I could just be done with these feelings once and for all.

There is no grey with me, it's all black and white. I don't do mild depression - I go big. I go straight to suicide and self harm.

Andrea and I had a very honest talk last night about how she feels when I am in one of my depressive moods, and it actually helped me. It enabled me to identify when my critic was speaking, and though I couldn't tell it to shut up then - when I was on my (crappy) run later on I was able to tell him to shut up and say my positive reinforcement saying: "I am finding peace with and for myself, I am okay." And it quieted my tears a little.

I don't know why I immediately go to ending it. Andrea tells me its selfish - and I've read that before. But it's so hard to feel this bad - even though I know it will pass logically. Emotionally speaking I see no way out of this. Even if it does end, how long until I have to suffer through one again.

I know, logically again, that my meds work and that it was my 5 days off of them that is doing this to me, but what if I get sick again, what if I forget to take them...what if what if what if.

I know that I can't live my life in "what ifs" there are too many of them. Who knows, maybe I'll get out of this one and then not suffer for a long time - actually enjoy life.

I need to tell wiggers, I know this - but I don't want another med change, I don't want to have my meds increased because of a down, maybe a self inflicted down due to not taking my meds for those days. I just want something to help me feel like me. It's hard to deal with my own emotions when all of my energy is going to keeping myself awake, and trying to function at work or at home. I don't know what a doctor will or can do - but there must be something.

I told Andrea how I feel, and I worry that was a mistake. I don't feel that way right now, but right now isn't later. My hardest times are in the evening when I am seriously drained and find it hard to be present at all.

Andrea tells me I have been mean to the kids, and I don't see it - but maybe I can't see it. She tells me I am not present with them - but I feel I am being present. I just don't get excited over the same little things that she does, but maybe I need to. Those small things are what make up a child's life, so not enjoying that with them may be detrimental. I do honestly enjoy reading them stories, just sometimes it's hard to stay awake and my eyes blur and as a result I seem distant. I don't know. The talk about the kids last night reminded of a conversation Andrea and I had two Decembers ago where she told me I wasn't being a good mother, and if I continued that way she didn't know if she could stay with me. She did not say those things last night. But the talk about parenting was a flashback. It was that talk that convinced me to seek help in the first place.

We also discussed the fact that the kids aren't my number one priority - she is. My kids have never been my number one priority. Yes, they are up there, but I've always felt that I need to take care of other areas of my life fully before I can take adequate care of my kids. Unfortunately, my top priority has become Andrea - much to her dismay. In the past I have been so petrified of losing her that I've done everything in my power to keep her happy. Now, I am not so scared of losing her but I don't know how to change my priorities. I need to make myself my number one priority, take care of me, love me, before I can be there fully for anyone else. I don't know how to do that.

Maybe I am depressed and my pills were able to hold it at bay for a while, and now my depression is stronger and over powering it. Maybe stress is getting to me. Maybe Maybe Maybe. I can't tell you why I feel this low lately (and it's only been like a week or so), and I need to figure out the why - I think. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I should concentrate on getting out of it instead of figuring out the reason first.

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