Today is Day 1. Day 1 of trying to get my work life back in order.
I have become so used to not knowing what I am doing that I have let my work slide and am now drowning in paperwork that needs to be filed, mail that needs to be opened, bills that need to be paid, etc etc. My desk looks like a war zone and I am dead in it. Instead I distract myself with the exact task at hand, and then forget about it if I cant finish it. I am getting new things piled on me every day and I can't keep up. It's my own fault.
I was up until the wee hours of the morning today unable to sleep and on and off crying because of how lost at work I really I am. I am paranoid and petrified that Cliff is going to find out how much of a slacker I am and then fire me, and then I will be without a job. I need to get my ass back in gear. I need to get down and focus.
I know if I could start from zero, that is start from fresh, I would be okay - but i need to dig myself out of this hole that I have gotten myself into. I am going to take baby steps to do that today. I am going to deal with all the bills/mail/and filing. That is my goal. It is doable if not a lot of work. It's the filing that scares me, because I've never really had to do a filing system before, so mine is crap.
My lack of focus or whatever at work is really playing on my moods. It makes me feel like crap about myself, and then the paranoia about losing my job, and then the what would my family do etc. I hate being the breadwinner for this reason. There is so much pressure. SO much pressure. I feel like I need a vacation from work where I can just regroup my thoughts and come back clear headed. A vacation due to sickness does not count. I need to get away, get reenergized, and come back. It is my goal to get "caught up" and out of this hole within a week. I think it can be done, it's just going to take a lot of work.
Once out of the hole my emotional turmoil about work should lift and I should hopefully be able to ask for help where i need it.
But what if I cant get back on track, what if I need help even to do that?
I cant afford to think like that. My family cant afford for me to think like that.