Thursday, 24 January 2013

Medically Affected

I was off my medication for 5 days. And for 4 of those days I felt wonderful. The tiredness subsided - the caffeine pills actually made me super way above normal energetic and made me feel almost high. I still felt balanced. It was so great to feel like I was getting a piece of my head back. Even work became a little clearer. Then on day 5 I started to feel intense anxiety and irritation over everything. I was on the verge of tears, and was up all night stressing about a new job I was going to do. I managed some sleep only when I was cuddling with something or someone.

Now let me be clear, I didn't purposefully stop taking my pills. For two days I honestly forgot in the hustle of the morning, and for three days after that I was sick as a dog and couldn't really keep anything down or was afraid to try. So it's not like I was doing a trial run of what it would be like off my medication. However, I wonder if the anxiety and irritability would have passed eventually. I wonder if I would have been okay. These thoughts plague me sometimes. Some of the pills I am on are not supposed to be long term, but for me they are - so I wonder if I just become physically dependent on them rather than needing them for my mental sanity.

So I am back on my medication and the tiredness has returned with a vengeance. Today my lower dose of caffeine pills, as the store didn't have the 200 mg ones - only the 100 mg, are barely keeping me awake. It's painful. Yesterday evening/night I could hardly keep my eyes open again as the extreme drowsiness and fatigue began taking over my body and my head. It's unbearable and very annoying. I hate it. The tiredness is honestly the second worst part (the first being the weight thing), it's exhausting (lol) to always have to rely on another three pills to even function at below baseline. How am I supposed to keep up with work and home and life if I can't stay awake to be present in it.

On the weight front I bought new jeans, a smaller size - although they are skinny jeans and I am not sure I like them, and a jacket that could not do up before can do up now. One would think I would be happy - and I am. But yet the scale is not being kind to me, I remain the same weight or higher. I know weight is just a number, and the key is to remember how you feel and how clothes fit but I can't help but think the weight is just redistributing itself elsewhere on my body. I just wish I could see the number drop. I have been eating well, even snacking on broccoli and carrots in lieu of chocolate, and sickness aside I have been running every other day - nearly at 30 minutes! But the scale continues to be mean.

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