Monday, 14 January 2013

Ramblings and Renos

I'm still feeling overall down, and it's only gotten worse. I find it a struggle to be involved and to stay positive.

I'm sure, in fact I know, that part of it has to deal with this self esteem book I'm working on. I don't think it takes into account that some people who may be using it are bipolar or suffer with depression. I just had to list all my faults, including asking others to tell me what they thought of me (positive and negative) in 8 different areas of my life. It is very demoralizing to see that I listed more negative attributes than positive ones - by far. Then to have to go through them one by one and be more specific about each fault. For example, one of my faults was "Double Chin" I changed that into "Extra fat around my face caused by my medication, lack of exercise during depression, and eating habits. Something I must accept for now but am determined to change." Even saying that it is still a negative. It made me feel really shitty about myself.

As a result I spent most of yesterday sulking and being sick. I'm sure my attitude did not help my sickness and vice versa. I found it hard to be involved with renovations and often felt awkward, unneeded and out of place. Partially true as Andrea and Craig didn't really need me and couldn't use me for much. I did feel useful in watching the kids and getting Andrea and Craig sustenance though :) Andrea has even said that it would take longer to teach me to do things than for her to do it. I need to find a way to learn some of these things on my own, without being afraid of failing, so that I can be of use to people when it comes to the reno stuff. I dislike that Andrea does all of it, but at the same time the things I have tried to do (taping the window, priming the dining room ceiling, scraping/sanding the bedroom ceiling) have not gone too well and have needed re-doing. I don't know how to practice this stuff, when it is easier and more efficient for her to just do it. We are about efficiency here, given that we are on a time limit.

Andrea spent most of the day frustrated with me because she thought I was being a martyr. I wasn't, as I know how I feel when I am, I was merely trying to stay out of the way so things could get done. I helped when I was needed - like moving paneling and  drywall, as well as holding the drywall up so it could be screwed in - but other than that wasn't really required for anything. Do you know I have never used a power tool in my life: save for a sander, and a nail gun twice. That makes me quite useless when it comes to this stuff. I lack the man strength to rip floor up or do the heavy stuff as well - which is acceptable given that I am not a man.

I am okay with my lack of involvement, and the two of them have been nothing but welcoming and have not tried to exclude me at all. I just wish that I had the strength, or know-how to actually be of use for something. However, I don't mind spending the extra time with the kids - I hardly see them, so it's nice to be able to read them stories and listen to their games. It gives me faith in my parenting, plus I folded a ton of laundry yesterday. So while I wasn't productive with the construction stuff, I was productive with the household stuff which is something I've been missing since I started working.

That was a tangent I didn't mean to go off on. The point of this entry was to talk about my feeling down as of late. I can feel the medication holding me up, which I guess it should be doing. I wonder how bad my depression would be if I wasn't on the medication, would I be as low as I was last time? Would I be hospitalized again? I am thankful for the medication at times like these, even though I forget to take it on the weekends sometimes. I hate that I need it to stay some semblance of normal but I'd rather be fake normal than severely depressed.

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