Thursday, 31 January 2013

Running Doesn't Care

"Running doesn't care how your last run went." Very wise words from Craig.

You see, my last two runs have been brutal on me. I am supposed to be at 30 minutes, but I have only managed 20 and the last time 12. It has become a mental thing for me and I don't know how to get past it. Further, my last two runs have taken place during this depressive cycle I'm on right now - so when they fail, I see myself and my life as a failure. Last night I was so angry at myself that I wanted to punish myself: cutting, eating so much I puke, depriving myself of things I like - something to take my anger at myself out on myself. I didn't do any of those things. Instead I took Andrea's advice and allowed myself to be angry and upset for 15 more minutes (after 45 of already being that way) and then moved on. I did the things I was avoiding doing - like showering because it seemed like too much work. I was successful in getting over my bad mood.

However, a combination of my meds and the energy it takes to both be in and get out of a depressive mood took a toll on my ability to stay awake. I couldn't do it. I tried watching a show I like, tried reading, tried writing - tried numerous things - but nothing could prevent me from sleep - so I went to bed early :(

I fell asleep driving this morning, no accidents though; I just had to pull over until it was safe to drive again. After this scary incident I decided it was time to get into an appointment with Wiggers rather than just waiting for him to e-mail me back. He is away this week, and unfortunately the only time I can get in is February 25th. That's just under a month away. What am I supposed to do until then? I can't keep risking my life in may car and having my work suffer - nor can I risk the severe and crippling depression I may feel off the medication completely - I feel stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. I am hoping I get a cancellation appointment, and I'm hoping I get it soon.

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