Friday, 11 January 2013

Two parts positive

I got shin splints in one of my legs so that took me off running, though only for a week. But in that time I went crazy. I wanted to run so badly - I am glad I am starting to love running, it makes it that much easier to get out of the house.

I weigh myself quite frequently, to try to see some trends in my weight - like when I weigh less, how my general weight loss is going etc. So far there has been very little improvement. I have gained weight overall - still. In fact, the scale read the highest its ever read the other day. I am trying to eat a baselines amount of food, though every instinct in my body is screaming for me to become anorexic again and just limit my food intake entirely.

I did find out that my first goal jeans are not a 32-34 like I thought they were, like they said they were but are in fact closer to a 29. This makes me feel better that I can't even come close to doing them up. My shorts are a size 38 men's and my jeans are a 36 women's, and they are getting too big. This means that I am probably a 34 now. When I get to a 32 I will be happy. That's where I was before I lost all the weight originally, and that seems like a workable average number. Being a 36 just seems so large. At least for me on my small stature.

I was laying on the couch last night on my side and Andrea was rubbing my side and she put her hand on my stomach. I almost died right there. I was so grossed out by what she was touching and nearly moved away. I didn't because I knew she would get offended if I did. But man was I embarrassed. I know no one is particularly attractive in their mid section when laying on their sides, but still - my stomach is so large.

Emotionally speaking I have had a hard couple of days. I can feel myself feeling down, but being kept up by the medication - which I suppose is what it's there for. I can still feel the urge to hide in my bedroom by myself but I am fighting it as much as I can. Running gives me the opportunity to be alone, and most of the time distracts me from my negative thoughts.

I am now, according to my work book, supposed to be giving myself affirmations every time I tell my critic to shut up! My affirmation is "I am finding peace with and for myself. I am okay." I know it isn't overly positive, but its a start for me, and really it's what I want to accomplish most of all. I want to be at peace with me. I want to feel that I am okay just the way I am. That's why I chose it.

So that's my update. Two parts positive one part negative. That's an improvement for me!

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