Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Sad Fat Girl 13

We dont have a full length mirror at home. This is probably a good thing. They had one, well, almost one, at the hotel we were staying at in Vancouver, and I caught many glimpses of myself both clothed and naked in that mirror.

How has this become my body? I didnt go into a shame spiral thankfully, but I did become really self conscious - and that continues to today. All I can think of is how is this my body?

How did I let myself become this person who has rolls, and folds, and cellulite. How did I allow this to happen?

I need to do something to change this. Im going to step up my running, and run harder - or try to. When we get our computer back I am GOING TO DO WORKOUTS on my off days. Any time I need motivation I just need to think of looking in that mirror.

However, for the time being, I want to hide. I want to wear baggy clothes, even if they make me look bigger - I just feel better in them.

I am going to change this. I am embarrassed to be in public, ashamed that Andrea is with me, and now incredibly aware of every part of my body. It isn't fun.

I am disgusted with the way I look. I thought I looked better than I actually do. I mean, I know I am large, but I still didn't realize it was this bad.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Torture

This article is probably one of the best I've read in a while. I was looking around yesterday on my phone for bipolar resources. It started with looking at my ECT options, then therapy options, then being a mother while having bipolar, then on what it's like to have a bipolar spouse - sorry Andrea. \

I ran across the article when looking for therapy options. Essentially, it's like an inside look at what some people's bipolar brains are like. In it she says things like:

"I find that my brain is always off and running in places I don’t want it to go and the only thing I can do is desperately chase it and try to slow it down. All I can do is erect wall after wall and try to box it into somewhere reasonable. All I can do is try and try and try. And never slip up, or forget what I’m doing. Not for a minute. 
This kind of concentration is torture. Dealing with errant brain signals all day is torture. It’s a torture that others can’t see or feel, but it’s there. All the time. "
 This is me. My brain is always thinking so many things I don't want it to, and it's a constant struggle to keep up with and control those thoughts.

Further, I was reading some comments about cognitive behavioural theory, which is my self esteem book, and it was talking about how part of the CBT is to list the negative things (what I just recently did), and then see where your patterns lie. Problem with this, is like the commenter, I can think 1000 bad things about myself, and writing them all down just makes me focus on the negative more. When I actively think the negative, rather than erect walls and chase the thoughts down, I can't escape them. I want to escape them.

Where am I now? Well, I'm back in a depression.

I dont want to live with bipolar for the rest of my life, It's not fair. It's cruel and I don't want to do it.

Friday, 8 February 2013

Not feeling depressed!

Waaaaahhhoooooo!

I am not feeling depressed. Or at least I wasn't yesterday and am not today. I ran 4km yesterday in 30 minutes which is awesome! If I can do it again I'm going to move up programs to learn to run for 60 minutes. How exciting!

I've been plowing through my self esteem book and even hung my affirmations around the house. It was a little embarrassing to be honest - but it's done and hopefully it will help.

I have tons of energy, and am feeling happy - it's wonderful.

I want to rewrite my letter to myself to make it a little more positive, and a little less long. That was I will be more motivated to read it because it won't be two pages long. I am supposed to read this letter out loud to myself two times a day. I've been fairly good about doing it before and after work, I'm proud of myself.

Has this self esteem book made a difference? IDK yet, maybe it has. I am recognizing when I am talking down to myself which is a good first step I guess, I just need to figure out how to combat that and get that thinking out of my head.

I wish I had more to say - I really want to type things.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

If this is bipolar....

....I hate it even more.

Andrea and I were talking last night about my depression as of late. She says normally it last for a couple of days, but I know this one has lasted for a couple of weeks - it is a true depression.

I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. Exercising, eating well, trying to take time for me, working on my self esteem book - but I cant seem to shake it. I kept trying to think of what the one piece I was missing was. What I wasn't doing that would just snap me out of it.

Then Andrea pointed out that "maybe this is just what bipolar is"

This is bipolar? I get depressed for no reason, and can't get out of it until the cycle goes away. This is what I have to deal with for the rest of my life? This is what my family has to go through?

That's not fair to me, or to them. But it's part of the disease evidently. I hate bipolar. I hate hate hate hate it, but I need to find a way to learn to accept that this is who I am now, but I am still okay.

I talked to wiggers on the phone yesterday. He was less than helpful. He told me the stomach issues were probably caused by the metformin - which I knew. He said to stop taking them, and maybe without the vomiting etc - I would come out of my depression. WTF EH? No mention of the tiredness, no mention of how to get out of this depression except for the metformin. This is the one I didn't want to go off of. It's the weightloss one. What if it's keeping me stable at my weight, and now that I am off it, I am going to start gaining again. That's what I was doing before. I'm worried, and upset, and angry.

Monday, 4 February 2013

My Critical Dark Passenger

My down appears to be kicking around. I just cant seem to shake it. Even when I cam keeping busy - like at work or whatever, It's like this shadow that is looming around me. It's like I can feel the presence of my dark passenger, and I havent felt him for a while. I have started taking ativan again when the thoughts or feelings get to scary levels - not suicidal, the ativan prevents those. I have also emailed wiggers to give him an update on whats going on and hopefully get an appointment in sooner than the 25th of february. I know its only 3 weeks away, but 3 weeks is a long time in my emotional and functional world.

Between my down feelings, my tiredness, and my sick feelings all the time it's hard to function on a daily basis. Today I think I found a caffeine pill dosage that allows me to work while at work so I suppose that's a positive. Now I just need to find something to help with the drive to work. I don't like the uncertainty I feel every time I get behind the wheel for a longer drive.

I'm ploughing through the self esteem book, and recently wrote a letter to myself that was supposed to be an accurate (both positive and negative) portrayal of myself. I have to read it twice a day. Per Andrea's suggestion I am going to read it before and after work when I have privacy so I am not embarrassed. I also need to take index cards and write positive affirmations on them and hang them around the house - I am nervous to do that - what will people think. They will judge me. And how pathetic must I be to have to remind myself to think something positive about me, shouldn't I be able to do that on my own? Idk. It's definitely embarrassing.

So now I have my dark passenger around me, and my critic is always hanging around...I really feel bipolar now lol, or schizophrenic; with so many people within me. I am trying to ignore them and be stronger then the both of them but they like to team up on me. I'm doing better on the self esteem stuff - except when it comes to my body. I still can't get on board with that.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Running Didn't Care

I ran last night, even though in my journal I had said I was quitting. The reason I ran was Andrea, and the reason I kept going through my walls when I'd hit them was Craig. You see, I wanted to prevent Andrea from having to deal with my deeper depression by feeling like a failure about quitting. During my run, anytime I wanted to stop I kept thinking about Craigs, "running doesn't care" line and it kept me going. It didn't matter that I had only run 12 minutes last run, and 20 the run before - this was a brand new run, and I could do it. And I did. I ran 3.7km in 30 minutes. A far cry from the 6 I used to do, but better than I was two months ago.

Something is wrong with me. Between the tiredness (in the past two weeks I have had near misses with a car and a pole), the vomiting every other day, the stomach issues, the leg twitch, and the headaches - I feel so broken and run down. Maybe I'm still sick - though I doubt it. Maybe something is happening with my medication. Maybe I shouldn't be taking caffeine pills. But dammit, I don't know what to do and I can't see him for another 23 days. I'm so angry with the system, honestly, what am I supposed to do until then. If I am not suicidal then I can't see or hear from a doctor.

I'mm too tired to write anymore.