Monday, 4 February 2013

My Critical Dark Passenger

My down appears to be kicking around. I just cant seem to shake it. Even when I cam keeping busy - like at work or whatever, It's like this shadow that is looming around me. It's like I can feel the presence of my dark passenger, and I havent felt him for a while. I have started taking ativan again when the thoughts or feelings get to scary levels - not suicidal, the ativan prevents those. I have also emailed wiggers to give him an update on whats going on and hopefully get an appointment in sooner than the 25th of february. I know its only 3 weeks away, but 3 weeks is a long time in my emotional and functional world.

Between my down feelings, my tiredness, and my sick feelings all the time it's hard to function on a daily basis. Today I think I found a caffeine pill dosage that allows me to work while at work so I suppose that's a positive. Now I just need to find something to help with the drive to work. I don't like the uncertainty I feel every time I get behind the wheel for a longer drive.

I'm ploughing through the self esteem book, and recently wrote a letter to myself that was supposed to be an accurate (both positive and negative) portrayal of myself. I have to read it twice a day. Per Andrea's suggestion I am going to read it before and after work when I have privacy so I am not embarrassed. I also need to take index cards and write positive affirmations on them and hang them around the house - I am nervous to do that - what will people think. They will judge me. And how pathetic must I be to have to remind myself to think something positive about me, shouldn't I be able to do that on my own? Idk. It's definitely embarrassing.

So now I have my dark passenger around me, and my critic is always hanging around...I really feel bipolar now lol, or schizophrenic; with so many people within me. I am trying to ignore them and be stronger then the both of them but they like to team up on me. I'm doing better on the self esteem stuff - except when it comes to my body. I still can't get on board with that.

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