Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Torture

This article is probably one of the best I've read in a while. I was looking around yesterday on my phone for bipolar resources. It started with looking at my ECT options, then therapy options, then being a mother while having bipolar, then on what it's like to have a bipolar spouse - sorry Andrea. \

I ran across the article when looking for therapy options. Essentially, it's like an inside look at what some people's bipolar brains are like. In it she says things like:

"I find that my brain is always off and running in places I don’t want it to go and the only thing I can do is desperately chase it and try to slow it down. All I can do is erect wall after wall and try to box it into somewhere reasonable. All I can do is try and try and try. And never slip up, or forget what I’m doing. Not for a minute. 
This kind of concentration is torture. Dealing with errant brain signals all day is torture. It’s a torture that others can’t see or feel, but it’s there. All the time. "
 This is me. My brain is always thinking so many things I don't want it to, and it's a constant struggle to keep up with and control those thoughts.

Further, I was reading some comments about cognitive behavioural theory, which is my self esteem book, and it was talking about how part of the CBT is to list the negative things (what I just recently did), and then see where your patterns lie. Problem with this, is like the commenter, I can think 1000 bad things about myself, and writing them all down just makes me focus on the negative more. When I actively think the negative, rather than erect walls and chase the thoughts down, I can't escape them. I want to escape them.

Where am I now? Well, I'm back in a depression.

I dont want to live with bipolar for the rest of my life, It's not fair. It's cruel and I don't want to do it.

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