Saturday, 30 March 2013

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated. My knee is so swollen and angry. It hurts nearly all the time. I can't squat, or kneel or anything the requires putting stress on it. This means that I can't do workouts or run - I was actually starting to enjoy running, and I loved the way doing workouts made me feel. How am I supposed to lose this weight if I can't do anything to be active? It feels like one setback after another when it comes to my weight and fitness.

I know I said before that one of my triggers that signals when I am going into a depression is my not wanting to work out. But I think not being able to work out can push me into a depression as well. I'm not there, but I can feel my mood being a little low. I was enjoying the endorphins, enjoying the progress. *sigh*

Friday, 22 March 2013

Not so sad fat girl

Fat girl is still fat - but isn't so sad. 

I've been doing really well with my eating, and have done my workouts 4 days in a row, even on a day where a run failed (due to the dog). I am proud of myself. The scale doesn't care about my efforts yet - but it will. It has to. Im eating enough, Im exercising, Im thinking positively (something I was missing in the past), so it will agree with me at some point. 

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

My triggers

Taking my meds in the mid afternoon seems to be working better for me. I feel much more balanced and much more like myself lately. I have even started knitting on a regular basis again. I know this is, as bipolar goes, a good wave - but I'm hoping it sticks around for a while.

Im stressed a bit about money lately, and about the potential for me going back to school. I don't know how we are going to manage on one income, or me with my workload if I get into school. How am I supposed to take care of my work and family obligations, which I don't have a balance of yet, and add to that an MBA workload? It is going to be a challenge - however, I do enjoy being busy and find it focuses me more and keeps away the dark thoughts. I like to keep those away.

I still cry when I think about my body, but I have found renewed motivation to do something about it. It seems to come with my more balanced moods. I guess that should be a good indicator of an impending down mood - a lack of motivation for fitness. Yay, I recognized one of my signs. It's one of the first things to go when I am feeling low.

I did end up joining that facebook group that I talked about and I am enjoying reading the articles. I have yet to post anything in it, however, because I am still a little shy on that front. But, in a non-direct way, I have told the world (the facebook world) that either I am bipolar or I know someone who is. This is a huge step. I always saw it as a weakness, but I am beginning to see it as merely a part, and not all, of who I am. This is another sign of a down for me, when I feel it consuming me, or feel it becoming all of who I am then I should know I am on my way in a downward spiral.

It's good that I can recognize some of my signs, however, I still don't feel I have the correct tools to deal with them when they come. I need to think of some and get them in place before my next down comes so that I am adequately prepared for it.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Life Update

So things are going well. I had my appointment with Wiggers, and he split up my medication, put me on another instead of my caffeine pills that will hopefully keep me awake. It seems to be working, and I didn't suffer caffeine withdrawal - except for the headaches.

I was tempted to join bipolar burble's facebook page the other day. I enjoy, tremendously, reading her articles and the comments on them. However, I didn't want to announce to the world that I was bipolar - and I think that would. However, with some thought I think I am going to. Why should I let the opinions of people I hardly see stop me from supporting the people who have helped or enlightened me throughout this journey.

I feel relatively normal lately, I have good days and bad ones just like anyone else who isn't suffering a mental illness, but that's a good thing. If my life were always on the level than I wouldn't know what a good day was. I feel a little on the cusp of a hypomanic episode but I think that because of the recent big changes that are taking place. They cause my adrenalin to rush and that feels similar to the beginnings of that kind of mania.

There are big, and scary, changes ahead for me. I am going back to school which will be an added stress on me that I am sure I can cope with, and there are some family things going on as well which are exciting and wonderful that also come with some stress. I know the tools I have, the medication I am on, my experience, and the support of those I love will enable me to get through any of the oncoming challenges I am going to be facing.

I am so happy to not be rapid cycling anymore. It was so rough to have those highs and lows every other day, and so draining to go through it. It really made me question, even on good days, if I wanted to continue living like this, living with bipolar. It's a rough road to go down, and I didn't really grasp how permanent this was going to be until this last rapid cycling. This really is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

But not right now, right now I am still fighting off those thoughts successfully, my brain is in check and I am going to keep it that way for as long as I can hold on.