Monday, 22 April 2013

Good for my psychosis

So Cliff, my boss at work, informed me that I have psychosis. I'm not sure this is the right term, it certainly rubbed me a bit the wrong way. Psychosis is defined as: "A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality." Which I guess partially describes me. When I am in a hypomanic state I do lose contact with reality a little bit. I mean I can still function but things are a little different, a little off. When I am depressed, I still exist in reality - it's just my reality is a sad one. Perhaps both are a form of psychosis because I am not living in true reality. I don't know - but I didn't like the word.

He also told me that being busy seems to keep my "psychosis" in check and under control. This I believe fully. When my mind and my body are busy I don't have time to think all the negative shit that is constantly in my mind. I can't dwell on it because I am doing other things. That being said, when I am in a 'normal' mood it is easier to be busy. When I am hypomanic it is super easy to be busy. But when I am depressed, it is near impossible. I cannot keep those thoughts in check, and that's what prevents me from being productive. So I am unsure as to whether the busy-ness is a result of being normal, or is actually keeping me from being depressed. It's a bit of a vicious cycle if you ask me.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Being in love with a bipolar spouse

I've been thinking a lot lately on what it must be like to be Andrea. To always be wondering if I am going to slip back into another deep depression, or be worried that I will go into hypomania and she will have to baby sit me again. It must be hard to enjoy the normal times.

I know she doesn't think of anything but the now in terms of my bipolar. I dont think she can afford to. If she thinks about the what might be or could be than she would always be on the guard. Or maybe she always is a little bit.

It's my biggest fear sometimes that I am not doing her proud, or not good enough for her because of my bipolar. I worry that she deserves so much more than someone who is broken. I don't think it would be fair to subject her to another one of my deep depressions. It was hard enough the first go around, I worry what will happen to us if I go through another one - which statistics tell me is likely at some point in my life.

Sometimes it makes me want to be alone, just me. I cant hurt the people I love most if I am not with them or around them. Sometimes I think it would be better if I were away from them all. That's impossible now, but I dont feel good enough for her. I feel like she deserves so much more. More than I can ever be.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Winning

I emailed wiggers about getting an increase on my modafinil - that's my wake up drug that was designed to give me energy in lieu of taking the multitude of caffeine pills I was taking. I still haven't heard a response.

I have managed to keep a depression episode at bay, I could feel it coming on - including thoughts of self injury and self hatred, and while it did hit me a little bit, I put my focus into my work and into knitting to help me distract myself from those thoughts. The trick is, for me, to always keep my mind busy. When it is not busy I have to chase down and contain the many negative thoughts that I feel. They are ever present, I just try to keep them in the back of my mind rather than the forefront.

I still haven't really been able to run, I tried a few days ago and got about 15 minutes in before I got this wicked chest cramp that would not go away and was affecting my ability to breathe properly. I opted to stop at that point. I'd like to try doing workouts again, but I am hating the fact that I will have to start at the beginning of level 1 again rather than halfway through it like I was before I had to stop. I hate having to start things again, but such is life when you are trying to get into shape.

I think part of my leg problems is my shoes. I now wear heels or slight heels to work - as per my talking to where they implied I needed to dress more office like. And in the heels my feet hurt like a bitch, but in the mini heels they don't hurt at all. However, when I put my flats on after wearing other shoes all day my legs and calves and knee really hurt. Maybe I can't wear flats anymore, and need to wear good supportive shoes when I am not in my dress shoes - I'll try that.

With the exception of that depression episode I managed to keep away, things are going well emotionally. I am not obsessing over my weight as much, and I am not self hating all the time. I am beginning to find joy in the every day stuff, and becoming more comfortable with chaos (kind of have to be in our house).

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Weight and Sex

My weight is wrecking our sex life. Im so self conscious because of the way I look that I cringe when Andrea touches me. I LOVE when she touches me but I wonder if she is disgusted with my rolls, and folds, and creases. I wonder if she notices how large I have become, and if so how she can still be attracted to me.

I know it comes down to me needing to be confident in myself, and then I will be more comfortable. I have accepted what size I am. When I go thrifting I look in the big sections now instead of crying over where I once was. I have accepted that I am a 16 pant size (OMG). So I can accept clothes, I just can't accept being out of clothes.

That lack of acceptance is ruining our sex life. We dont have any for many reasons but one of the biggest has got to be my lack of confidence. Looks aside, confidence is sexy - and because I am without that as well, how can I expect her to actually want to be intimate with me. She believes me when I tell her how attracted to her I am, and god I am - she is stunning, and it's not that I think she is lying to me, I just done find myself attractive and thus have a hard time relaxing in my own skin. If I can't relax, I stay in my head.

What needs to happen is one instance of sex where I am out of my head and can relax completely. If I could get it done once than I would know it could happen, and thus would be able to relax more easily the next time.

I don't know how to make it happen that first time.

I feel more confident when I am doing something about my weight, and because I cant right now I feel even shittier about myself. I can't lose the weight because the stress of said weight on my body is causing it swell and be angry. I don't know how to go slow enough to actually lose the weight, while not adding stress on the body. It's a viscious cycle.

Stupid lard.