I've been thinking a lot lately on what it must be like to be Andrea. To always be wondering if I am going to slip back into another deep depression, or be worried that I will go into hypomania and she will have to baby sit me again. It must be hard to enjoy the normal times.
I know she doesn't think of anything but the now in terms of my bipolar. I dont think she can afford to. If she thinks about the what might be or could be than she would always be on the guard. Or maybe she always is a little bit.
It's my biggest fear sometimes that I am not doing her proud, or not good enough for her because of my bipolar. I worry that she deserves so much more than someone who is broken. I don't think it would be fair to subject her to another one of my deep depressions. It was hard enough the first go around, I worry what will happen to us if I go through another one - which statistics tell me is likely at some point in my life.
Sometimes it makes me want to be alone, just me. I cant hurt the people I love most if I am not with them or around them. Sometimes I think it would be better if I were away from them all. That's impossible now, but I dont feel good enough for her. I feel like she deserves so much more. More than I can ever be.