Monday, 22 April 2013

Good for my psychosis

So Cliff, my boss at work, informed me that I have psychosis. I'm not sure this is the right term, it certainly rubbed me a bit the wrong way. Psychosis is defined as: "A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality." Which I guess partially describes me. When I am in a hypomanic state I do lose contact with reality a little bit. I mean I can still function but things are a little different, a little off. When I am depressed, I still exist in reality - it's just my reality is a sad one. Perhaps both are a form of psychosis because I am not living in true reality. I don't know - but I didn't like the word.

He also told me that being busy seems to keep my "psychosis" in check and under control. This I believe fully. When my mind and my body are busy I don't have time to think all the negative shit that is constantly in my mind. I can't dwell on it because I am doing other things. That being said, when I am in a 'normal' mood it is easier to be busy. When I am hypomanic it is super easy to be busy. But when I am depressed, it is near impossible. I cannot keep those thoughts in check, and that's what prevents me from being productive. So I am unsure as to whether the busy-ness is a result of being normal, or is actually keeping me from being depressed. It's a bit of a vicious cycle if you ask me.

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