Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Weight and Sex

My weight is wrecking our sex life. Im so self conscious because of the way I look that I cringe when Andrea touches me. I LOVE when she touches me but I wonder if she is disgusted with my rolls, and folds, and creases. I wonder if she notices how large I have become, and if so how she can still be attracted to me.

I know it comes down to me needing to be confident in myself, and then I will be more comfortable. I have accepted what size I am. When I go thrifting I look in the big sections now instead of crying over where I once was. I have accepted that I am a 16 pant size (OMG). So I can accept clothes, I just can't accept being out of clothes.

That lack of acceptance is ruining our sex life. We dont have any for many reasons but one of the biggest has got to be my lack of confidence. Looks aside, confidence is sexy - and because I am without that as well, how can I expect her to actually want to be intimate with me. She believes me when I tell her how attracted to her I am, and god I am - she is stunning, and it's not that I think she is lying to me, I just done find myself attractive and thus have a hard time relaxing in my own skin. If I can't relax, I stay in my head.

What needs to happen is one instance of sex where I am out of my head and can relax completely. If I could get it done once than I would know it could happen, and thus would be able to relax more easily the next time.

I don't know how to make it happen that first time.

I feel more confident when I am doing something about my weight, and because I cant right now I feel even shittier about myself. I can't lose the weight because the stress of said weight on my body is causing it swell and be angry. I don't know how to go slow enough to actually lose the weight, while not adding stress on the body. It's a viscious cycle.

Stupid lard.

1 comment:

  1. I only wish I was a 16. I'm barely fitting into an 18. D: