Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Winning

I emailed wiggers about getting an increase on my modafinil - that's my wake up drug that was designed to give me energy in lieu of taking the multitude of caffeine pills I was taking. I still haven't heard a response.

I have managed to keep a depression episode at bay, I could feel it coming on - including thoughts of self injury and self hatred, and while it did hit me a little bit, I put my focus into my work and into knitting to help me distract myself from those thoughts. The trick is, for me, to always keep my mind busy. When it is not busy I have to chase down and contain the many negative thoughts that I feel. They are ever present, I just try to keep them in the back of my mind rather than the forefront.

I still haven't really been able to run, I tried a few days ago and got about 15 minutes in before I got this wicked chest cramp that would not go away and was affecting my ability to breathe properly. I opted to stop at that point. I'd like to try doing workouts again, but I am hating the fact that I will have to start at the beginning of level 1 again rather than halfway through it like I was before I had to stop. I hate having to start things again, but such is life when you are trying to get into shape.

I think part of my leg problems is my shoes. I now wear heels or slight heels to work - as per my talking to where they implied I needed to dress more office like. And in the heels my feet hurt like a bitch, but in the mini heels they don't hurt at all. However, when I put my flats on after wearing other shoes all day my legs and calves and knee really hurt. Maybe I can't wear flats anymore, and need to wear good supportive shoes when I am not in my dress shoes - I'll try that.

With the exception of that depression episode I managed to keep away, things are going well emotionally. I am not obsessing over my weight as much, and I am not self hating all the time. I am beginning to find joy in the every day stuff, and becoming more comfortable with chaos (kind of have to be in our house).

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