Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Confused

I am having gender issues again. Mostly because my work attire is mostly feminine. Some days I still wont to dress more like a male, because I am feeling more like a male that day - but unfortunately I have no work/office appropriate clothes that match that persona.

That being said, I am currently in a more girly phase. I have my nails painted and am wearing a ring. I'm embracing my shape as a woman and trying to find beauty in the state I am in.

The confusion however, and the lack of being able to outwardly express how I feel inwardly has caused some inner turmoil for me. I don't know how to act one way if I feel another. I don't know how to, well, I don't know. I don't think its possible to dress like a woman and feel like a man without some sort of conflict that causes anxiety. I have definitely felt my anxiety heightened in some of these instances.

I am also confused because my role with Ziggy (baby#5) is more of a fatherly role, in the sense of my participation - with the exception of the sperm donation. I feel more protective of Andrea and the baby, and more pressure to perform at work in order to keep our lifestyle the same. That also is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel the weight of our life on my shoulders as I know I *need* to work in order for us to survive. It's a lot of pressure, and most days I think I handle it gracefully, but as my start of school approaches I become more and more apprehensive.

Is it the right time for me to be going to school?

Should I focus more on my work and making sales in order to increase our income?

Should I focus on what they want me to focus on so I can be the best team player?

How am I going to support the family while I am in school?

Can I mentally handle the stress and pressure of going to school to get a Masters, working as close to full time as I can, 4 kids, and a pregnant wife who likes to renovate the house all the time thereby causing more chaos?

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Solitary Peace in Chaos

Today was a busy weird day. I was with the kids all day and we had a blast, of course there were a few snags, whines, and screams but that is par for the course with kids. However, when we got home there was such a different vibe in the house that it as hard for me to transition back.

Andrea and Craig have this kinship with each other which is very cool to witness, but very hard to break into once they have established their rhythym for the day. So that plus my sudden weird mood after dinner made things awkward. \

I had fun playing with Roman, and we snuggled and laid together and read stories all cuddled in a blanket. But then Roman went to bed and I didn't leave the playroom I felt such a sense of peace being in the chaos today that going to the quiet adult time was really hard for me. Plus that aforementioned kinship that was already established. I just felt that I wanted to be alone, or with kids; not that I didn't want to be around other people, just that I felt more at peace by myself.

However, as she was going to bed, Andrea came in and tucked me in and snuggled with me, and I was grounded once again in adult interaction and in our relationship. It felt wonderful, and was a beautiful end to a chaotic, weird day.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Lost

Yesterday was the first day in a while where I felt truly alone and lonely. Though I think Andrea was feeling the same way - which doesn't bring much consolation to either of us I'm sure.

We had a rough afternoon wherein we fought, about Ziggy, and then stopped talking to each other. When I get home I asked her two questions, about yarn, and those were the only words we really said to each other. I had to go out for a meeting, and when I got home she was already asleep in bed.

I think we, everyone, forget that even when we feel alone, sad, depressed etc we still have partners and children to care for. It's easy to get through it and care for the children, but we expect so much of our partners. We assume they will always be our rock, and always be compassionate - but the truth is they have their own shit to deal with. That's the case right now. This pregnancy has been more difficult for me than I imagined it would (also way better than I imagined it would be - very conflicting), and, historically speaking, I have become dependent on Andrea to help me through these rough times. What I realized yesterday, and for a while now, is that though I do need compassion and support I also have to be willing to hear Andrea's emotional turmoil and be there for her in more ways than I have been. Not to say I have been completely negligent to her needs, but I could have been a lot better of a partner yesterday. I think we both could have been. We were both so wrapped up in what we were experiencing that it was impossible to be compassionate with the other side.

Everyone falters, no partnership is without these issues, I am glad that today we have managed to work through it and are talking again. I know we can support each other, and I know we can be there for each other - it's just a matter of remembering that we both need each other.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

I am one of those people

So my meds work well when I take them in the mid afternoon.

Here is my problem - remembering to take them in the mid afternoon. I have been cranky, irritable, fed up with life, and altogether an overall miserable person without motivation and it was only on my drive to work that I realized how long its been since I've taken my meds.

Here is the problem, I see them when I grab my lunch at around 10:00a, and think to myself "I am going to take those at 2" then I see them again around noon for some reason and think the same thing. Inevitably I get busy in the afternoon and forget, and then see them at 4:30 when I am packing my bag to rush home and I think to myself "I'll take these as soon as I get home" and then I get home, and inevitably I forget and don't remember until about 8, wherein I could take them but then I think to myself "that'll screw me up for tomorrow when I take them at 2" but then I forget the next day too.

Needless to say, I have been off them for a while and I think they along with this cough, plus my very late and thus making me crazy period have all contributed to my mood thus far.

I hate being one of those people that has to rely on medication. I was hoping there would be a day, soon, that I could start weaning myself off of these meds - but it doesn't look like that's in my future any time soon. I seem to need them to function at base level. This sucks...and note to self - take meds at 2 today!