Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Confused

I am having gender issues again. Mostly because my work attire is mostly feminine. Some days I still wont to dress more like a male, because I am feeling more like a male that day - but unfortunately I have no work/office appropriate clothes that match that persona.

That being said, I am currently in a more girly phase. I have my nails painted and am wearing a ring. I'm embracing my shape as a woman and trying to find beauty in the state I am in.

The confusion however, and the lack of being able to outwardly express how I feel inwardly has caused some inner turmoil for me. I don't know how to act one way if I feel another. I don't know how to, well, I don't know. I don't think its possible to dress like a woman and feel like a man without some sort of conflict that causes anxiety. I have definitely felt my anxiety heightened in some of these instances.

I am also confused because my role with Ziggy (baby#5) is more of a fatherly role, in the sense of my participation - with the exception of the sperm donation. I feel more protective of Andrea and the baby, and more pressure to perform at work in order to keep our lifestyle the same. That also is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I sometimes feel the weight of our life on my shoulders as I know I *need* to work in order for us to survive. It's a lot of pressure, and most days I think I handle it gracefully, but as my start of school approaches I become more and more apprehensive.

Is it the right time for me to be going to school?

Should I focus more on my work and making sales in order to increase our income?

Should I focus on what they want me to focus on so I can be the best team player?

How am I going to support the family while I am in school?

Can I mentally handle the stress and pressure of going to school to get a Masters, working as close to full time as I can, 4 kids, and a pregnant wife who likes to renovate the house all the time thereby causing more chaos?

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