Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Talking with Friends

I have a friend on facebook who messaged me out of the blue asking questions about my medications and my bipolar. She was curious for herself. But that's not what this entry is about. 

I hadn't realized how little I talk about my bipolar with people. It feels great to share my experiences with people. Tell them how the medication affected me, what hospitalization was really, how I feel guilty for Andrea, and everything else that comes with being bipolar. It feels almost cathartic and healing. 

I don't know how I would go about talking about it more, sharing my experiences and what not. I would like to talk about it more, educate people and heal myself at the same time. It feels freeing. Like getting the fact that those negative thoughts are coming back out in the open makes them feel less strong, like I am taking control over them by not trying to hide them or protect myself from them all the time. 

I blog, which I guess is me talking about it, but when I blog or keep a journal I always pretend that people are reading it. I write so people will read it. I know no one is reading this blog - which is fine, as I don't promote it and my posts aren't that great. So aside from blogging I don't really talk about it much. I would like to. I would like to end the stigma that goes along with being bipolar. I am functional. I am on medication that helps me. I will always be bipolar but that doesn't mean I'm less of a person. 

Monday, 24 June 2013

The start of a hectic week

So I worked monday to friday last week, and then on saturday and sunday I worked at a hotel cleaning rooms. Then I work monday, tuesday, wednesday at my regular job on top of going to my schools orientation meetings. On Tuesday and Wednesday I also have training for a new job at Bell Canada. On thursday I work my regular job, go home, sleep, then start work at a merchandising job at 9:00p until 6:00a, wherein I will drive to work for my friday shift here. Then I will go home and sleep and work the merchandising job again from 9-6. On saturday I work at Bell Canada from 10-6, then do the merchandising job again from 9-6, and then on sunday I work at Bell from 11-5. It's a crazy ass week. I am hoping adrenalin, and a combination of coffee and my wake up pills keep me going. Oh yeah, On friday I go to orientation at my school from 9-12, then work here for 2 hours, then leave here to go to a midwife appoint for 3:15. Plus I have an appointment with wiggers tomorrow at 3:30.

Am I nervous about my mental health? For once not at all. I need to make sure I am sleeping whenever I can, and that I am taking my pills - this will help me keep sane and balanced during this week.

Andrea is taking such good care of me, she made muffins for my breakfast this morning, as I got to work at 6:00a and intend to do that while I go to school for the 8 weeks so I can get more hours in. She had a smoothie all ready for me, and I have been drinking it all day - it has kept me going and kept my belly full with food. She is an amazing partner and without her I don't think I'd make it through anything.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Creeping

I have been feeling some dark depressive thoughts lately that I know aren't logical. They are creeping into my mind, subconsciously, and becoming my thought patterns. I can feel them, which I suppose is a good thing, as it allows me to fight them off a little better.

Most of it is stress about money and working. Thoughts like "you don't work hard enough to support your family." "you'll never be able to get out of this situation" and "you're pathetic, you're on meds and you still can't function to your full potential." I know they aren't logical but it's stemming from real fears and the real situation right now - which makes them seem all the more valid.

They are making me feel very down and negative about life right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not entering a depression, but I can feel those thoughts trying to seep in and send me into one. I know the medications, and my hard work, is keeping them away. But that's another thing I feel awful about, the fact that I need medication in order to keep my own thoughts away. That's another thing this depression thing uses to get me to feel down.

It's hard work keeping them away. It requires a lot of my concentrate some times, and yesterday, it led me to feel very unmotivated around the house, eventually needing a break from the kids, because I couldn't handle anything. It was a very overwhelming situation.

What if I am not strong enough to keep this one away?

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Working Hard for the Money

I'm feeling a lot of increased stress and thus anxiety over the fact that my working supports our family. I have had several panic attacks at the thought of me getting into a car accident, or tripping, or becoming otherwise impaired - not because I would be injured, or in pain, but because I wouldn't be able to work and then what would my whole family do? I need to work, I have to work - and knowing that is a lot of stress and pressure.

I'm trying to calm my anxieties by realizing that if I were injured there is insurance or whatever, I think that's how it works, to help cover things. And we have very loving family members who would help out either with finances or with child care so Andrea could go to work. I am also trying to tell myself that things are no different now than they were 6 months ago when I wasn't having anxiety over this.

Maybe things are different now, now that we are having another baby. With the girls, I wasn't the primary breadwinner. Even now Craig pays child support and still helps take care of them, and Dave pays child support for the boys - so the kids we already have are being supported by us *as well as* their fathers. With this new baby on the way we will be the sole providers for it - there will be no one available to help us, financially, should things get rough. I think that is playing a part in my anxiety over this.

Plus, I am starting school soon and am really beginning to wonder if now is the right time. I feel like I should hold off for a year and get settled with Ziggy and the new budget, and then go to school - rather than doing it all at one time. I don't know how to approach Andrea and/or Cliff with this as they are both so gung-ho on me going. I know it's also partially nerves that are swaying my decision on whether or not I should be going. And I know, realistically, that though things will be tight, we can do this. We can afford for me to go to school, and it will be good for me in the long run - financially speaking. I'm just so worried. What if I don't get that raise because the company doesn't have enough money? What if the company falls under because we can't get our tea business together? What if, What if, What if?

So much anxiety lately, it's really taking a tole on me.