Monday, 17 June 2013

Creeping

I have been feeling some dark depressive thoughts lately that I know aren't logical. They are creeping into my mind, subconsciously, and becoming my thought patterns. I can feel them, which I suppose is a good thing, as it allows me to fight them off a little better.

Most of it is stress about money and working. Thoughts like "you don't work hard enough to support your family." "you'll never be able to get out of this situation" and "you're pathetic, you're on meds and you still can't function to your full potential." I know they aren't logical but it's stemming from real fears and the real situation right now - which makes them seem all the more valid.

They are making me feel very down and negative about life right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not entering a depression, but I can feel those thoughts trying to seep in and send me into one. I know the medications, and my hard work, is keeping them away. But that's another thing I feel awful about, the fact that I need medication in order to keep my own thoughts away. That's another thing this depression thing uses to get me to feel down.

It's hard work keeping them away. It requires a lot of my concentrate some times, and yesterday, it led me to feel very unmotivated around the house, eventually needing a break from the kids, because I couldn't handle anything. It was a very overwhelming situation.

What if I am not strong enough to keep this one away?

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