Monday, 29 July 2013

Staying Awake and Present

So I am without my wakeup pills, and back on my regime of my regular pills. For about a week I would only take them every other day, I honestly kept forgetting - even though, as Andrea pointed out, I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them. I have no good excuse other than forgetting to. Being back on my pills without the Modafinil to counteract that fatigue and drowsiness I am once again in a constant state of being tired.

The lack of modafinil is combined with my insane work and school schedule, a lack of a proper nights sleep, and not eating enough/properly. All of these factors make me incredibly tired. I actually had to pull over driving the other day because I couldn't stay awake - I haven't done that in a long time.

I have an appointment with Wiggers where I will tell him this information. He is going to be, I don't know, surprised. He was expecting to see a weight loss at this next appointment as my prescription for modafinil was increased so I would have more energy to work out or go for runs. What he doesn't realize is that even if I had the modafinil, I wouldn't have time for those things really, and my knee is so gibbled that even if I wanted to work out or run, I couldn't do very much at all because of the pain and my lack of range of motion.

Speaking of my knee, I have an appointment with Gutmanis, my orthopedic surgeon, about my knee coming up. I am so worried he is going to say that my knee is bad because of my weight - in which case I am screwed. I can't run or work out because of my knee, but the weight is putting too much pressure on my knee - it's a cycle. I am hoping there is actually something wrong with it, and not just my weight.

With the tiredness comes the racing back of all those negative and manic thoughts that I was doing so well to keep at bay. It's harder to fight them when you are too tired. It's like the tiredness feeds these thoughts and they only grow stronger. So far, I have managed to stay in the present, and not put too much weight onto these thoughts, but they are still there and they are stronger than they were before. Especially the manic thoughts. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to go for another 3 hour walk just because, or spend a lot of money. The biggest one for my has always been sexual hyperactivity. For me it manifests itself as a desire for sexual recognition and attention - from anyone. This got me into a lot of situations when I was younger that I regret now. I am not sure what's worse - mania or depression. At least I can function relatively well when I am hypomanic.

Friday, 19 July 2013

Balance

I need to find a work-school-home balance. I suck at it.

It's like working so much has caused me to forget how to be home. It's not that I don't want to be home, it's that I dont know what to do with myself at home. I just keep thinking of the school I could be doing, or the money I could be making if I had decided to work that day.

I miss my family dearly, but I don't know how to just "be" with them anymore without my mind racing to things I should be doing instead.

Maybe that's my problem. Working isn't something I *should* be doing, it's just something I *have* to do. I need to stop thinking about it that way. I need to find a way to be at home again. Maybe I worry I am not good at it anymore. I'm good at working, I can do that, I know how to do that. But taking care of the kids and everything is not something I excel at anymore - and that breaks my heart.

Even with Andrea, we have been so off the last week or so that it doesn't even seem like she wants me around much. I am unable to make her happy. She tells me that nothing is good enough for me, and I just seem cranky all the time. The truth is I am not cranky. My thoughts are distracted and I am downright tired. I am tired because I don't sleep long or well enough, and because my damn medication makes me tired and I havent had my wakeup pills for like 4 days now. Sometimes that powernap helps me function in the later evening, sometimes it makes me more tired. Idk...

I hate being so tired, I hate feeling so useless at home. I don't hate working because I feel that's all I'm good at. The kids actually enjoy being around me because I hardly see them, they cherish their time with me now because its so few and far between, if I was with them every day, I don't know how Id do it. I don't know how Andrea does it, she is a stronger and better person than I am.

I have forgotten how to be a homemaker. In the month or so that I have been working two jobs I have lost my home life balance. It probably didn't help that I started school at the same time I started a second job, so it threw everything off kilter. There is a balance to be found somewhere.

I need to focus my time, buckle down, find more time, and just be a better parent and partner.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Failure

I have one of my wake up pills left - I am supposed to be taking 4 a day. I will take it tomorrow morning and then that's it. We can't afford, right now, for me to get any more. Especially since the pharmacies are out of the generic ones and only have the more expensive name brand ones in stock.

I hate money. I hate hate hate it.

I get so frustrated that I work so damned hard 60 hours a week, plus 20 hours of school time (not including studying at home) and can't even afford a damned cup of coffee. I work so we can get by.

But to the outsider we look great. We own a house, our kids go to private school and we have two vehicles. Little do they know that we may have to pull the kids from school, are looking into selling the house, and the one vehicle was bought by my boss and is a work vehicle because we couldn't afford one when I needed one when Craig moved out.

I'm so angry lately.

I'm angry at Craig for getting to move out and leave us with this mess. I'm angry at us for working off of an incorrect budget. I am angry at me for not figuring that out sooner/doing it in the first place. I'm just angry. I am mostly angry at myself for allowing us to get into this situation where we are being forced to take the kids out of school or sell the house. I'm supposed to provide for the family, for the things we need.

I am the breadwinner, it's my job. Andrea is the homemaker and she does her job well. The kids are always fed, always seem happy, get out and do things, and the house is always relatively clean. But me, I can't even keep said house's roof over our heads. I feel like such an absolutely failure here.

I work for the kids, for Andrea, for the home, and I can't even take care of those things well. We are losing the home (most likely), the kids will be miserable without the school they love and lost if they go to public school. They will be made fun of for being different, and for not having the normal knowledge a kid of their age does. They will be outcasts, all because I couldn't make enough money for the things we thought we had enough money for.

There is a lot of pressure on me, even if its placed on me, by me - to provide. I have to provide. We cannot survive even a week without my working. I can't get sick, I can't get hurt, I can't do anything but work. And even when I do work, it's still not enough. If there was more time I'd get a third job - but then I wouldn't sleep. *sigh*

Thursday, 11 July 2013

We are Responsible for our own happiness

"If you are depressed - you are living in the past,
If you are anxious - you are living in the future,
If you are at peace, you are living in the present"
                                             - Lau Tzu

Can I just tell you how much I hate this saying. It simply is NOT that easy, at least not for me, and I doubt most people with mood or anxiety disorders find this that easy either. Being depressed doesn't mean you are living in the past. Being depressed can simply be your reality, your present emotion/thought/energy etc. That's not to say that no depression is based of living in the past, but I have to argue that when you are Bipolar, your brain simply doesn't work the same way as someone without bipolar, those down feelings, that depression, is not simply caused by focusing on all the negative stuff that *has* happened. A lot of it is caused by the feelings that are, the present - your current and present reality. Most of my negative thoughts that cause depression are not rooted in my past (though I grant that some of them are), a lot of them take the phrase of "you are *insert negative attribute here*", they play over and over again in my head, without any grounds built into my past. Yes sometimes my own brain does bring up instances from the past that support such personal insults, but all it takes is a thought repeating itself over and over again for it to begin to be true - regardless of its factual basis. What you tell yourself, you become, when my brain tells me over and over again that I am not worthy of living, even though I can try to counter it with all the good and positive thoughts, there comes a point where I begin to believe it. That is not living in the past, that is dealing with my present reality. 

It's frustrating to always be told to just be happy, or to exist in the moment. I think the steps towards happiness and peace in someone who is bipolar are different than the steps one without bipolar would take. The road to peace is a little more rocky, and a little more bumpy. We get lost easily. 

I am not trying to make excuses here, we are responsible for our own happiness, but there can be (and in the case of Bipolar - are) road blocks in our way, and it isn't as simple for us. We require tools that non ill people don't require in order to find our own peace. Those tools are often changing, and are often some form of medication as well. Medication is a tool, even if we hate that we have to take it. It helps us quiet those thoughts, and even our emotions out - but does not get us to a state of "normal" - btw, what is normal anyways? It gets us to a place where we have a fighting chance of beating down those thoughts and finding our own peace and happiness. But the thoughts, still exist, our Bipolar is still there - and no amount of medication, or living in the present is going to change that. 

Monday, 8 July 2013

Failing and Falling

I'm struggling, so much so that Andrea has noticed. I just feel so negative, pessimistic, and down about life, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to reign those thoughts in, to keep them under control.

My life isn't bad at all. I have no reason to be feeling the way I feel. Yes, I encounter the daily frustrations of life - but those never brought me down before. Now, they are.

The lawn mower broke my necklace (the chain that you pull to start it got caught on the chain), and then kept shorting out until it eventually ran out of gas - and that whole 45minute ordeal caused me to cry 3 times.

The blow dryer in the bathroom also shorted out on me, for some reason it overloads the plug all of a sudden, and that caused me to cry.

These are just minor instances, yet it's the small things that seem to be bringing me down.

I don't want to go down, I want to just handle those frustrations with ease.

I'm hoping this down mood ends quickly, and doesn't get any worse.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Connections

I thrive on connection. My biggest pillar of support is Andrea. Without connecting with her, at least once a day, I feel less stable, more prone to letting my negative thoughts take over my head, and just generally a less happy person.

This is true for my kids too. Being with them provides a distraction from the negative obsessive thoughts that are in my head all the time. Unfortunately, due to my work schedule I haven't been able to connect with them much. I mean, I go see them every night when I get home, and when I tuck them in and give them a kiss (while they are asleep) I always hope they will wake up a bit and say a few words to me, so I can tell them I love them. Remy normally does. Regardless, they all get kisses, and they all have their blankets adjusted by me so they aren't too hot or too cold. It's the least I can do.

With Andrea, we talk during the day, which helps me feel closer to her, but in the evening, when I get home from work, we connect even more. It's that hour of the day that has been keeping me on track lately. As I have recently said those dark thoughts are creeping in stronger and stronger, they are becoming more obsessive, and louder. Without that hour of the day, I am not sure I would be able to control them. I look forward to it all day, and love it as it unfolds. I put my hands on her stomach and feel our little Ziggy move, we talk about our day, share stories; she tells me about the kids, I tell her about the silly people at my work or school.

It's so simple, but it does so much for me.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Darker Thoughts

I went through a bit of a panic attack this weekend, and with that attack came many dark thoughts. The kinds that are obvious, and seem (and I still think are) so true.

"I'm awful"
"I'm a horrible person"
"I don't deserve my kids"
"Ziggy would be better off without me"
"Why is Andrea still with me"
"How has this become my life"

etc
etc
etc

They are very hard to shake, and very hard to reason my way out of, because they seem so reasonable. I am trying though - but they just keep getting stronger, with every passing day.

I'm still taking my medication.