Friday, 19 July 2013

Balance

I need to find a work-school-home balance. I suck at it.

It's like working so much has caused me to forget how to be home. It's not that I don't want to be home, it's that I dont know what to do with myself at home. I just keep thinking of the school I could be doing, or the money I could be making if I had decided to work that day.

I miss my family dearly, but I don't know how to just "be" with them anymore without my mind racing to things I should be doing instead.

Maybe that's my problem. Working isn't something I *should* be doing, it's just something I *have* to do. I need to stop thinking about it that way. I need to find a way to be at home again. Maybe I worry I am not good at it anymore. I'm good at working, I can do that, I know how to do that. But taking care of the kids and everything is not something I excel at anymore - and that breaks my heart.

Even with Andrea, we have been so off the last week or so that it doesn't even seem like she wants me around much. I am unable to make her happy. She tells me that nothing is good enough for me, and I just seem cranky all the time. The truth is I am not cranky. My thoughts are distracted and I am downright tired. I am tired because I don't sleep long or well enough, and because my damn medication makes me tired and I havent had my wakeup pills for like 4 days now. Sometimes that powernap helps me function in the later evening, sometimes it makes me more tired. Idk...

I hate being so tired, I hate feeling so useless at home. I don't hate working because I feel that's all I'm good at. The kids actually enjoy being around me because I hardly see them, they cherish their time with me now because its so few and far between, if I was with them every day, I don't know how Id do it. I don't know how Andrea does it, she is a stronger and better person than I am.

I have forgotten how to be a homemaker. In the month or so that I have been working two jobs I have lost my home life balance. It probably didn't help that I started school at the same time I started a second job, so it threw everything off kilter. There is a balance to be found somewhere.

I need to focus my time, buckle down, find more time, and just be a better parent and partner.

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