Monday, 29 July 2013

Staying Awake and Present

So I am without my wakeup pills, and back on my regime of my regular pills. For about a week I would only take them every other day, I honestly kept forgetting - even though, as Andrea pointed out, I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to take them. I have no good excuse other than forgetting to. Being back on my pills without the Modafinil to counteract that fatigue and drowsiness I am once again in a constant state of being tired.

The lack of modafinil is combined with my insane work and school schedule, a lack of a proper nights sleep, and not eating enough/properly. All of these factors make me incredibly tired. I actually had to pull over driving the other day because I couldn't stay awake - I haven't done that in a long time.

I have an appointment with Wiggers where I will tell him this information. He is going to be, I don't know, surprised. He was expecting to see a weight loss at this next appointment as my prescription for modafinil was increased so I would have more energy to work out or go for runs. What he doesn't realize is that even if I had the modafinil, I wouldn't have time for those things really, and my knee is so gibbled that even if I wanted to work out or run, I couldn't do very much at all because of the pain and my lack of range of motion.

Speaking of my knee, I have an appointment with Gutmanis, my orthopedic surgeon, about my knee coming up. I am so worried he is going to say that my knee is bad because of my weight - in which case I am screwed. I can't run or work out because of my knee, but the weight is putting too much pressure on my knee - it's a cycle. I am hoping there is actually something wrong with it, and not just my weight.

With the tiredness comes the racing back of all those negative and manic thoughts that I was doing so well to keep at bay. It's harder to fight them when you are too tired. It's like the tiredness feeds these thoughts and they only grow stronger. So far, I have managed to stay in the present, and not put too much weight onto these thoughts, but they are still there and they are stronger than they were before. Especially the manic thoughts. Sometimes it seems like a good idea to go for another 3 hour walk just because, or spend a lot of money. The biggest one for my has always been sexual hyperactivity. For me it manifests itself as a desire for sexual recognition and attention - from anyone. This got me into a lot of situations when I was younger that I regret now. I am not sure what's worse - mania or depression. At least I can function relatively well when I am hypomanic.

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