Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Its coming.

It's coming.

Im biting the inside of my mouth and realized Ive only been doing it for about 3-4 weeks, a sign of stress. A sign of being off my meds?

I need to see wiggers. I need to tell him how the meds make me feel, how being off the meds are making me feel, how afraid I am, how I can feel it coming and how I know the only way to stop it is the meds but how there must be a way to take them and still feel normal.

There must be another solution? ECT maybe? Is it worth risking losing some memory? Now would be the time to do it, before the next round of school starts.

My whatever I have, bipolar, is not treatment resistant, it can be helped with medication but medication drains every part of who I am, makes me exhausted, and essentially just makes me able to function.

If who I really am is bipolar, if I am prone to these wild and crazy up and down swings of mood, then maybe that's who I am and maybe I need to learn to deal with it rather than trying to cover it up with pills. I know that doesn't work.

I have a baby on the way, I should take my meds, I can feel it coming.

I don't want to take them. I dont want to be muted. I don't want to be hidden. I want a chance to find out who I am.

Andrea has commented a lot lately how I am not as stubborn, or passionate as I once was - before the breakdown. She says she loved those qualities about me. Are those gone, or are they just hidden by a medication? How can I find out?

Sometimes I just think - oh nevermind. It's not important.

I need to see wiggers.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Being bad but feeling good - relatively speaking

*cough*

In the past two weeks Ive maybe taken my meds like 3 times. I know I know I know! But they make me so damn tired, even on the modafinil I am so tired, I am sick of being tired because of medication. Today I am tired because of lack of sleep, which is more acceptable to me. I'm angry at having to take medication, Im angry at thinking I need it.

I feel fine. I am more emotional than usual the past few days, but that has happily coincided with my period, so Im attributing my emotional fragility to that. I have energy, I feel balanced, I feel fine.

I've been wondering over the past two weeks if I really am bipolar, or if the meds make me bipolar. Maybe I am not as sick as I think or they think I am. Maybe I don't need these medications to survive on a day to day basis, I seem to be doing fine thus far.

I know, I need to talk to Wiggers about this, I shouldn't just go off my meds, Andrea will be pissed, I know all of these things. Yet, I feel fine, and its my body (mind?) why shouldn't I be able to exercise some control over what affects it. I missed an appointment with Wiggers on Monday, and need to make it up on a Friday when he has walk in hours. Which can't be this Friday, but maybe next. I know he is going to tell me to go back on them, I know we will probably switch a med, and I also  know that in the end the decision to take them is mine. No one can force me to take them.

I don't want to take them. I don't want to pay for them. I don't want the pharmaceuticals coursing through my body affecting every part of me. I just don't want that. I want the ability to be  me again. I have no idea who I am anymore, I want to find myself and I cant seem to find myself when I am on them, I am too busy being tired, and muted. I feel more alive when I don't take them. I feel more like a person and less like I don't know..less emotionally restrained.

I feel like I am where I was before I started taking medication. I have that fear again of taking it, I have that internal hatred of myself for maybe needing them. I doubt their ability to work, only now I wonder if I am sick at all. Yes, I was depressed, yes I had a psychotic break, and yes I look back on my growing up and wonder if some of my actions or inactions were because of bipolar (or maybe I am just looking for an excuse for my actions).

I feel like a fraud in so many ways.

Also, I spent the last twenty minutes writing this instead of paying attention in class, after falling asleep in class for 15 minutes...I'm so going to fail this course.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Olanzapine

Olanzapine is the devil I tell ya.

So after pretty much not sleeping one night, and the next night beginning to rationally think another long walk (my last walk was 17km's) was a good idea, I caved and took an olanzapine. It's like my make you go to sleep because you're hypo manic drug. It did put me to sleep.

Unfortunately, it made me a zombie the next day. I was so tired, and was falling asleep while playing with the kids. Also, like last time I took it, I was so apathetic towards everything. I just didn't care.

It also has sent me into a bit of a down mood. It could be the partial drop from the hypo manic state, combined with the lack of modafinil making me tired - but I am feeling quite down and hopeless about things.

Everything is stressing me out. The amount of time I spend with the kids, how I should be working harder, what other people think of me, what *I* think of me, how my relationship with Andrea could be improved, etc etc etc..oh and don't forget all the money worries floating around my head. They are just all bombarding me and clouding all of my thoughts.

I don't fully blame the drug, I mean I blame it a little. I would definitely prefer to be manic, I just need to find an outlet for that evening energy I have. Something I actually want to be doing. I really enjoy night time walks, and the long ones really get rid of all that pent up agitation I feel. But there must be something else I can do with that energy, something more productive that isn't disruptive to myself or my family.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Beginnings

I feel like I am at the beginning of a hyper manic state. I thought it yesterday when I wasn't my usual tired in the evening. I stayed awake through all my classes two days in a row - which is great for me.

Today, I have tons of energy, and want to spend ALL THE MONEY. I won't because I know we are broke but the temptation is so strong. Andrea needs a circular saw, I want these special pens from the bookstore, as well as a pencil case and highlighters, and a VIU sweater (I'm aware its fucking hot out, but it won't be in the winter, and I always get sweaters from the school I attend - it's like a thing, I'm hoping to get one that says Masters of Business when I graduate as some programs do special things like that. Wouldn't that be cool, I mean I could proudly show that I have my masters, hello outright bragging lol, I don't care).

I need the energy right now, I am facing another long 3 weeks of working and school and this 'semester' has tons more reading to do and things to keep up with. I need the energy so I am awake enough to work and to study and to retain the information.

I am also finding that I am really hot all the time, which is an indication of not only the heat we are facing but my increased blood flow due to my increased heart rate.

Andrea is not pleased, she doesn't think this will be a good things, but I don't know, since being out of my modafinil I have had no energy and am exhausted all of the time. It's nice not to feel so tired. It's nice to be able to stay awake and eat ice cream in the evenings. I am sad we are out of ice cream.

I know my hypo mania won't cause me huge problems, but I am concerned it will cause little ones. I always get a bit more aggressive and impatient with things. And I am much more sexually needy, which isn't great with a pregnant/tired wife on hand.

I'm also quite excited over a big renovation project, which has me surprised. Maybe a symptom of my mania, may be a symptom of my confidence in Andrea's abilities. Plus I have been wanting to turn the "office" into a pantry for a long time. I think it will be a much better use of the space, and will open up the kitchen more. We have already moved the fridge so it's so much bigger already. Hopefully doing the pantry will make the kitchen look better because it's a hole.

I'll keep this blog posted on my hypo-manic state.