Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Being bad but feeling good - relatively speaking

*cough*

In the past two weeks Ive maybe taken my meds like 3 times. I know I know I know! But they make me so damn tired, even on the modafinil I am so tired, I am sick of being tired because of medication. Today I am tired because of lack of sleep, which is more acceptable to me. I'm angry at having to take medication, Im angry at thinking I need it.

I feel fine. I am more emotional than usual the past few days, but that has happily coincided with my period, so Im attributing my emotional fragility to that. I have energy, I feel balanced, I feel fine.

I've been wondering over the past two weeks if I really am bipolar, or if the meds make me bipolar. Maybe I am not as sick as I think or they think I am. Maybe I don't need these medications to survive on a day to day basis, I seem to be doing fine thus far.

I know, I need to talk to Wiggers about this, I shouldn't just go off my meds, Andrea will be pissed, I know all of these things. Yet, I feel fine, and its my body (mind?) why shouldn't I be able to exercise some control over what affects it. I missed an appointment with Wiggers on Monday, and need to make it up on a Friday when he has walk in hours. Which can't be this Friday, but maybe next. I know he is going to tell me to go back on them, I know we will probably switch a med, and I also  know that in the end the decision to take them is mine. No one can force me to take them.

I don't want to take them. I don't want to pay for them. I don't want the pharmaceuticals coursing through my body affecting every part of me. I just don't want that. I want the ability to be  me again. I have no idea who I am anymore, I want to find myself and I cant seem to find myself when I am on them, I am too busy being tired, and muted. I feel more alive when I don't take them. I feel more like a person and less like I don't know..less emotionally restrained.

I feel like I am where I was before I started taking medication. I have that fear again of taking it, I have that internal hatred of myself for maybe needing them. I doubt their ability to work, only now I wonder if I am sick at all. Yes, I was depressed, yes I had a psychotic break, and yes I look back on my growing up and wonder if some of my actions or inactions were because of bipolar (or maybe I am just looking for an excuse for my actions).

I feel like a fraud in so many ways.

Also, I spent the last twenty minutes writing this instead of paying attention in class, after falling asleep in class for 15 minutes...I'm so going to fail this course.

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