Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Its coming.

It's coming.

Im biting the inside of my mouth and realized Ive only been doing it for about 3-4 weeks, a sign of stress. A sign of being off my meds?

I need to see wiggers. I need to tell him how the meds make me feel, how being off the meds are making me feel, how afraid I am, how I can feel it coming and how I know the only way to stop it is the meds but how there must be a way to take them and still feel normal.

There must be another solution? ECT maybe? Is it worth risking losing some memory? Now would be the time to do it, before the next round of school starts.

My whatever I have, bipolar, is not treatment resistant, it can be helped with medication but medication drains every part of who I am, makes me exhausted, and essentially just makes me able to function.

If who I really am is bipolar, if I am prone to these wild and crazy up and down swings of mood, then maybe that's who I am and maybe I need to learn to deal with it rather than trying to cover it up with pills. I know that doesn't work.

I have a baby on the way, I should take my meds, I can feel it coming.

I don't want to take them. I dont want to be muted. I don't want to be hidden. I want a chance to find out who I am.

Andrea has commented a lot lately how I am not as stubborn, or passionate as I once was - before the breakdown. She says she loved those qualities about me. Are those gone, or are they just hidden by a medication? How can I find out?

Sometimes I just think - oh nevermind. It's not important.

I need to see wiggers.

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