Thursday, 5 September 2013

Sad Fat Girl -14

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I am disgusted with myself.

I weighed myself the other day. I weigh 200lbs. I haven't been this heavy since I was pregnant with Kahlan. Its no wonder clothes that fit me a few months ago are now tight. I've sized out of most of the clothes I own.

I'm back in hiding mode. I want to hide myself all the time. I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen in public. I want to just sit in a hole and hide all the time.

This has taken my already down mood and amplified it greatly.

I need to do something to change it. I need this to be my rock bottom, the moment in which I look at myself and say "NO MORE" but I cant seem to do that.

I feel powerless. I know I have given up. I have given up hope that I will ever be that 120lb girl I was only 3 years ago. 80lbs in three years. I know I should never give up but even when I was really and truly trying nothing was happening. I feel so stuck and hopeless about this whole thing.

I have a BMI of 36.6, that's in the obese range. I'm disgusting.

I know I need to make healthier food choices, and I need to find a way to exercise. But really, all I can do right now, until my knee surgery, is make healthier food choices. And I should do that, I need to do that - for my physical and mental health.

Right now I just hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate the person I have become since my breakdown. I hate what this and I have done to my body. I am just so unhappy. This is not how I pictured my life.

I am now one of those people that others look at and hope they never look like. I have a waddle. I get breathless going up the stairs. I snore. I can't keep up with my kids. I can't sit on the floor with them for long periods of time. There are so many things my weight is preventing me from doing. I don't want to be this way.

I hate myself.