Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Sad Fat Girl - 15


I went clothes shopping the other day at the second hand store. I had only two pairs of pants - a pair of maternity ones that Andrea wore when she was pregnant with Roman, and a pair of dress pants (a size 16) that I bought nearly a year ago that now no longer did up, and I had popped a button on. I walked down the pant aisle and looked at the sizes 5 and 7 I wore what seems like lifetimes ago, and turned around to the other side where the 16+ was. I tried on 16's - no go. Tried on 18's - no go. Tried on 20's no go. The only thing left was 24+ and they were all elastic waistband ugly pants - not acceptable for work. I cried - right there. I went to the jeans aisle, and ended up getting a pair that was a brand from the plus size store.

I am giant.

I hate it.

All my shirts are large or extra large. Andrea bought me a jacket and its a men's extra large.

I am disgusting. I am embarrassed to be seen in public, embarrassed to come to work every day, I hate it.

I look back on pictures of the size I used to be, how I used to look, and I am floored. How could I ever let myself get so big. I looked back on an old journal entry where I was hating on myself for being 150lbs...now I would kill to be that weight again.

How have I done this to myself?