Thursday, 2 January 2014

Self Loathing

I was going through my notes on my phone looking for my student loan number, who by the way took $300 from me this morning, and came across a note where I was keeping track of my weight at the beginning of last year. On January 2nd 2012 I weighed 182.8lbs. That means in a year, exactly a year I have gained over 20lbs. To get to my goal weight to lose nearly 100lbs. I saw pictures of me wearing the kids (yes all of them, even the 50lb+ boys) and was horrified at how large I have become. I hate myself and the way I look. I absolutely hate it. There is no dignity or respect in the way I look now, there is only shame. I am embarrassed and ashamed.

Add to that that I got demoted at work, kicked out of school (though that was due to my work not paying my tuition), can't afford the house, have to move, feelings around being an NGP and my life just sucks royal ass right now. If I didn't have the love I do from Andrea and the kids I don't where I would be.

All I want is to be happy. Happy with what I have, working towards better. It seems so simple.

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