Saturday, 1 February 2014

Resignation

I don't like my body, I don't like my mind, as a result I neglect both of them and treat them very poorly. Ironic, though, for if I would put the time and energy into my mind and body; if I DIDN'T neglect them, they would be healthier and I would probably like them.

I have become stagnant. I have settled. I am what I am. I feel broken, mind and body. I feel that I have tried so many times and so many things and still remain broken that what is the point in continuing to try. Trying leads to failure, always, in this situation anyways. 

I am fat. I am overweight. I am clinically obese. I have about 5 shirts that fit me. 4 of them are men's L or XL and 1 is a women's 2X. I have two pairs of pants - one of them maternity pants with holes. My XL underwear I bought don't fit. I am huge. I am giant. I hate it. I hate every part of it. There is a deep sense of self loathing. There is nothing about my physicality I remotely appreciate. I used to try things to make it better. It never got better. Instead I felt worse, I felt both fat an like a failure. Now, I just feel fat.

My mind is broken. I am bipolar. I process things differently then the average person. I am constantly trying to keep negative thoughts under control and in check. If I'm in a good mood I am hyper aware of any possibility that it could be mania. There is no normal. Everything in my brain is a struggle - daily. No one understands that. It's a very lonely feeling.

I do not like my mind and body. In fact, I hate them with every piece of my being, I do not think I could hate them more. But I have resigned myself to this now. These are my cards in life. At least I no longer feel like a failure. 

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