Saturday, 1 March 2014

the sharp knife of a short life

I have no identity. What little identity I did have was wrapped up in my job. It was what i did, who I was. it was my responsibility. I have no hobbies, no interests, no nothing. I am no individual. The only thing I had was my work - and now I have lost that.

I have completely lost myself. Completely lost it all.

I have no idea how to get through this. No idea how I am supposed to survive, let alone carry my family at the same time. I barely have the energy to get myself through the day let alone parent the children, clean the house, and be a better partner. On top of that, we need to decide what direction our lives are going. How do I make those decisions? I learned the hard way not to make decisions while depressed - enter the wharncliffe house. But right now, decisions HAVE to be made, and I have to be a part of them. How do I make rational decisions when my thoughts aren't even in the slightest bit rational?

I hate everything I have become. everything I am.

Its a struggle. I feel like no one understands. Everyone wants to help, and I want them to help, but I dont know how. I feel beyond help. I feel lost in my own breath.

I feel so bad for Andrea, she has to deal with all of this, all of the everything. Once again, I will never, ever, be able to make this up to her. I worry about ever feeling like her equal when I feel so much below her.

I feel flawed, in every sense of the word.

I have let so many people down. I was supposed to be successful in whatever I decided to do, and I have failed in everything I have tried.

I want dreams, I want hope, I want to live again.