Saturday, 26 April 2014

What's worse?

ECT is effecting my memory - in an extreme way. It is also changing who I am, how I feel, and how I think about things. I am not the same person I was before I started. In a way I suppose that's a good thing. I was a depressed miserable person before. But having who you are change without you doing anything is very scary and very hard to get used to. I lose my patience more, I get frustrated easier. I'm taking both of those out on the kids and Andrea and that really isn't fair. I didn't know who I was before, but now I really don't know who I am. All I know is that I am alive, and not suicidal every day any longer.

Suicidal thoughts come into my head still. Having that one bout a couple of weeks back really shook me, and i think made it possible for those thoughts and feelings to keep coming back. I am not suicidal, but I still don't believe I am worthy to be alive. I still believe I am destined to die young. It's like ECT is working, but I am just waiting for it to stop working. I honestly think I need some therapy or something. I think I need to work through these thoughts and feelings. The meds and the shocks are doing their job - I just need some help to do mine. We can't afford therapy though, it's bloody expensive. I think they have walk in counselling sessions at the health unit, I think you're allowed 10 of them. I think I should go and make use of those.

It's frustrating. To the outside person, to the people that don't know me I'm fine. I am a high functioning mentally ill person. It's hard. If I stopped functioning. stopped leaving my house. Stopped everything - people might actually believe there is something wrong with me. But I am able to hide my dark thoughts and feelings. I am able to contemplate and make a plan to kill myself while I'm cooking dinner or grocery shopping.

I don't know. I just wish this would all go away. I wish this would stop. I wish I could go back to a time where I didn't have all of these thoughts and feelings. I just want to be normal. I just want a day where I don't have a giant black banner in my head screaming at me how worthless I am. I need to learn to love myself, and unfortunately, ECT can't teach me to do that.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Set Back

I fooled myself. It's my own fault really. ECT made me feel so good. I was happy. I, very very very naively, let myself believe that ECT would act as a cure for me. It's not a cure - it's a treatment. There is no cure for Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am stuck with this sentence for life. The other day I crashed, and I crashed straight into suicidal territory. It's where I go - I go big. The fact that I was able to crash, caused me to crash more. I realized that it's never going to be all better. I will always have this. I will always be battling depression. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to be a burden on people. This already must be hard enough on my kids and my family. I wanted to end it all. I very nearly did. The sole reason I didn't was Andrea. She doesn't realize how often she saves me. There is a part of me that still believes that my kids would have a better life without me. They, by virtue of being my children, are stuck with me as long as I am alive and not abusing them. Andrea, on the other hand, chooses to be with me, knowing full well what I am and what I have. It is for her that I keep trying.

I feel better now. I'm not as happy as i was a few days back, but that's okay. What I need to do is get some hobbies and activities that fill my personal cup. I need to get some coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to handle my emotions and failures. I am going to sink into depression again. Even now I can still feel it sitting there, waiting, but it doesn't have to be my whole life. I don't have to let it. I just have some learning to do.

Monday, 7 April 2014

Hope

People say it's a barbaric treatment, ECT. You know what, if you think about it - intentionally shocking someone to induce a seizure, it is. It's a violent treatment option. But bipolar and borderline are violent mental illnesses. They may not rock my body physically, but they take everything from me. They ruin me. They ruined me. ECT works for me, it is working for me. I feel hopeful again. I feel rejuvenated, re-energized. I don't know if I feel like the same person I was before, but I am beginning to be okay with that. Andrea and I are able to make goals and hopes for the future, I am actually able to see a future for myself. Life doesn't always have to be suicide and depression. Yes, I still need to learn some coping skills for my emotions, and I am hoping to start the DBT for that, but it's wonderful to be at some sort of baseline. It feels beyond baseline, I feel elated, It almost feels like a high. Is this what happy feels like? I am not expecting the wonderful feelings I have now to last forever, I know they will fade as I get used to my new normal, but I don't want to ever, EVER, take this for granted. I have been in some very deep dark places, and I don't want to ever forget that. I have put my family through hell, and while I am not nor will I ever be cured, I can start to make up for that. Wiggers seemed surprised at how well I was doing, and was impressed that I had responded so well to this, considering they don't normally do it on people so young. Screw age. Meds weren't working, talk therapy didn't work. I was losing everything, and had already lost myself. This is wonderful.