Monday, 7 April 2014

Hope

People say it's a barbaric treatment, ECT. You know what, if you think about it - intentionally shocking someone to induce a seizure, it is. It's a violent treatment option. But bipolar and borderline are violent mental illnesses. They may not rock my body physically, but they take everything from me. They ruin me. They ruined me. ECT works for me, it is working for me. I feel hopeful again. I feel rejuvenated, re-energized. I don't know if I feel like the same person I was before, but I am beginning to be okay with that. Andrea and I are able to make goals and hopes for the future, I am actually able to see a future for myself. Life doesn't always have to be suicide and depression. Yes, I still need to learn some coping skills for my emotions, and I am hoping to start the DBT for that, but it's wonderful to be at some sort of baseline. It feels beyond baseline, I feel elated, It almost feels like a high. Is this what happy feels like? I am not expecting the wonderful feelings I have now to last forever, I know they will fade as I get used to my new normal, but I don't want to ever, EVER, take this for granted. I have been in some very deep dark places, and I don't want to ever forget that. I have put my family through hell, and while I am not nor will I ever be cured, I can start to make up for that. Wiggers seemed surprised at how well I was doing, and was impressed that I had responded so well to this, considering they don't normally do it on people so young. Screw age. Meds weren't working, talk therapy didn't work. I was losing everything, and had already lost myself. This is wonderful. 

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