I fooled myself. It's my own fault really. ECT made me feel so good. I was happy. I, very very very naively, let myself believe that ECT would act as a cure for me. It's not a cure - it's a treatment. There is no cure for Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I am stuck with this sentence for life. The other day I crashed, and I crashed straight into suicidal territory. It's where I go - I go big. The fact that I was able to crash, caused me to crash more. I realized that it's never going to be all better. I will always have this. I will always be battling depression. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to be a burden on people. This already must be hard enough on my kids and my family. I wanted to end it all. I very nearly did. The sole reason I didn't was Andrea. She doesn't realize how often she saves me. There is a part of me that still believes that my kids would have a better life without me. They, by virtue of being my children, are stuck with me as long as I am alive and not abusing them. Andrea, on the other hand, chooses to be with me, knowing full well what I am and what I have. It is for her that I keep trying.
I feel better now. I'm not as happy as i was a few days back, but that's okay. What I need to do is get some hobbies and activities that fill my personal cup. I need to get some coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to handle my emotions and failures. I am going to sink into depression again. Even now I can still feel it sitting there, waiting, but it doesn't have to be my whole life. I don't have to let it. I just have some learning to do.