Saturday, 26 April 2014

What's worse?

ECT is effecting my memory - in an extreme way. It is also changing who I am, how I feel, and how I think about things. I am not the same person I was before I started. In a way I suppose that's a good thing. I was a depressed miserable person before. But having who you are change without you doing anything is very scary and very hard to get used to. I lose my patience more, I get frustrated easier. I'm taking both of those out on the kids and Andrea and that really isn't fair. I didn't know who I was before, but now I really don't know who I am. All I know is that I am alive, and not suicidal every day any longer.

Suicidal thoughts come into my head still. Having that one bout a couple of weeks back really shook me, and i think made it possible for those thoughts and feelings to keep coming back. I am not suicidal, but I still don't believe I am worthy to be alive. I still believe I am destined to die young. It's like ECT is working, but I am just waiting for it to stop working. I honestly think I need some therapy or something. I think I need to work through these thoughts and feelings. The meds and the shocks are doing their job - I just need some help to do mine. We can't afford therapy though, it's bloody expensive. I think they have walk in counselling sessions at the health unit, I think you're allowed 10 of them. I think I should go and make use of those.

It's frustrating. To the outside person, to the people that don't know me I'm fine. I am a high functioning mentally ill person. It's hard. If I stopped functioning. stopped leaving my house. Stopped everything - people might actually believe there is something wrong with me. But I am able to hide my dark thoughts and feelings. I am able to contemplate and make a plan to kill myself while I'm cooking dinner or grocery shopping.

I don't know. I just wish this would all go away. I wish this would stop. I wish I could go back to a time where I didn't have all of these thoughts and feelings. I just want to be normal. I just want a day where I don't have a giant black banner in my head screaming at me how worthless I am. I need to learn to love myself, and unfortunately, ECT can't teach me to do that.

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