Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Forgetful and Progress

The memory loss is really getting worse. It's not that I can't remember my kids' birthdays or anything, it's little things. You would think that it's better that it's not big things, and maybe it is, I don't know. What I do know is constantly forgetting and having to be reminded of things every day makes me feel so broken. It's one thing to do it with Andrea or even Craig, but just the other day I completely embarrassed myself by not remembering that a friend at school had already told me she was pregnant weeks ago - so I was all shocked and amazed when I already was supposed to have known. How am I supposed to be a capable person if I can't trust my own head?

I had a major meltdown the other night. I had been feeling especially hopeless. My suicidal thoughts were more logical, and seemed the right thing to do. Up until that night I had tried to keep just how close I was from Andrea, but by what I was saying and the fact that I asked her if she'd ever give me her permission (as that was the only thing holding me back), I think she knew. She got rightfully upset and angry. I lay awake and slept off and on that night. The next morning things were tense between us, I went for a drive and did some thinking. I don't believe I can choose to be happy. But I do believe I can make myself do things that have the capacity to make me feel happy. I am trying this. It's been two days. It's working so far. I'm not feeling suicidal. I still don't feel 'happy' but, it's an improvement.

I'd really like to go to a meditation retreat. I can't exactly explain why I feel such a pull to do this, but I just feel it so desperately. There is a free one but it isn't until October and that's a long time away. There is another one that's much sooner but it costs $350, and I simply don't have that. I just feel like it would be so so good for me, and would help me so much. I feel like it's something I have to do, if that makes any sense. 

I'm having some, what I think are side effects from ect. I'm losing feeling in my right hand quite frequently, and am having perception issues - where things feel way bigger or way smaller, or closer or farther away than they actually are. 

I don't know if ect is working anymore, but I'm afraid to find out. I feel like it's actually damaging my brain, and that scares me too. I feel so lost when it comes to my own treatment - like I'm just along for the ride. I need to get some control back. 

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Worthless

So I went to that walk in Counselling at the health unit the other day. The guy I saw was nice but I don't think it really helped anything. He suggested that I would feel better about my life and myself if I had a job again - because I would feel I had a purpose. 

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean I'd like to feel like I have a purpose, but I don't recall feeling like I had one when I was working. I felt like my purpose was to bring home a paycheque, but didn't really feel like I was valued where I was, at least not by myself. 

I don't know what I can to. I'm not doing this home thing very well, like at all. It's like I've forgotten how to be a stay at home mom. I'm doing more harm than good here, but there is nowhere for me to go. I have no skills. 

I went to the duncan farmers market this morning and talking to people put me in such a good mood. I felt lighter and happier, and just full of joy. I think I need to work somewhere where I am able to talk to people in person. 

Andrea wants to make and sell things. That would be tons of fun, but what would we sell? I don't feel we would make anything good enough, well I know I wouldn't, Andrea definitely would, I could sell her stuff. She has drive and motivation, I just want to sleep all day. She has the ability to learn new skills, I can't even get adequate at things I already know. All I'm good at is talking, that's it, that's my only skill. 

Going to counselling didn't help. The dbt group has a four month wait list. And ect is ruining my brain. I'm becoming more and more broken.

What's the point?