I had a major meltdown the other night. I had been feeling especially hopeless. My suicidal thoughts were more logical, and seemed the right thing to do. Up until that night I had tried to keep just how close I was from Andrea, but by what I was saying and the fact that I asked her if she'd ever give me her permission (as that was the only thing holding me back), I think she knew. She got rightfully upset and angry. I lay awake and slept off and on that night. The next morning things were tense between us, I went for a drive and did some thinking. I don't believe I can choose to be happy. But I do believe I can make myself do things that have the capacity to make me feel happy. I am trying this. It's been two days. It's working so far. I'm not feeling suicidal. I still don't feel 'happy' but, it's an improvement.
I'd really like to go to a meditation retreat. I can't exactly explain why I feel such a pull to do this, but I just feel it so desperately. There is a free one but it isn't until October and that's a long time away. There is another one that's much sooner but it costs $350, and I simply don't have that. I just feel like it would be so so good for me, and would help me so much. I feel like it's something I have to do, if that makes any sense.
I'm having some, what I think are side effects from ect. I'm losing feeling in my right hand quite frequently, and am having perception issues - where things feel way bigger or way smaller, or closer or farther away than they actually are.
I don't know if ect is working anymore, but I'm afraid to find out. I feel like it's actually damaging my brain, and that scares me too. I feel so lost when it comes to my own treatment - like I'm just along for the ride. I need to get some control back.