Thursday, 3 July 2014

Failure

Things are not going well - speaking bluntly. I feel trapped, alone, and hopeless for the most part. I did have a good day yesterday - which is the first one in god knows how long.

I am sitting on the verge of a manic episode, I can feel it there, and it comes out a little bit sometimes, but it's not fully taken over me yet. This must be what they call a mixed episode - because even though I'm heading towards mania, I'm still suicidal. I had a plan, method, and opportunity the other night - but Andrea stopped me. I was angry at first. How long am I supposed to hang on? Supposed to feel like this?

I went to see Wiggers on Monday, and was absolutely honest with him about everything i was feeling. He gave me divalproex to scare off the mania, and told me to come back next week. He is doing all he can, I really do have faith in him, I just don't think this is every really going away.

The memory loss from the ECT is getting so much worse. There are huge chunks of my life that I don't remember, and yet, ones I'd like to forget are still hanging on. I realized yesterday that I don't remember this past Christmas, like at all, I don't remember really any Christmases with my family. I am beginning to forget things that are making me feel quite awful. What kind of mother or partner can't remember certain things about their kids' upbringing. I don't remember when or how Kahlan or Teo started walking. I only remember Remy because there is a video of it. I don't remember how Andrea proposed to me. And the shitty part is, ECT isn't really even working anymore - or maybe it is and I'd be a lot worse without it, that's a scary proposition.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to try. I'm on the waitlist to try the DBT therapy again, it's supposed to be the best form of therapy for bipolar and borderline. However, it's two days a week, and I believe (if it still starts at the same time it did before) its at 2:15 and it's in Nanaimo. How am I supposed to get and keep a job if I have to leave twice a week right after lunch? *sigh*. We can't afford for me not to get a job. I have to work.

I'd like to try an intensive meditation retreat. However, vipassana, the one I want to try, says in multiple places they don't really like taking people with mental disorders. So am I supposed to lie, or just give up that idea?

Andrea is getting fed up with me. Not with me per se, but with what she perceives as a lack of trying on my part. She's all I have. She is the only person who I feel I bring a modicum of good to. My kids would be a hell of a lot better without my impatient, yelling, unfeeling self.

What do I do? I feel I've run out of options, and time. The time I had was when i wasn't working, and now I have to go back to work and I wasn't able to figure things out. I feel like such a complete and utter failure.

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